Category Archives: humor

Great Expectations and Moronic Musings

Posted on March 6, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought today was going to be Middle-aged Musings Monday and I was going to have an easy post to write. Then Steven and I visited the Herkimer County Historical Society and I foolishly mentioned that I intended to write a blog post about it. One of the ladies even wrote it down.

So naturally I thought, “I’d better write about the Historical Society today, in case that lady wants to read it.” I mean, think about it, I brag about my blog about local attractions and businesses and she tunes into Middle-aged Musings? Face it, some of my musings are about as lame as Lame Post Fridays. I have my days.

We all know where this is going. Can I write a word? NOOOOOO! (OK, obviously I can write words, but are they words I like and don’t want to cross out? NOOOOOO!)

What a ridiculous situation. I don’t suffer from stage fright. I know I have readers, and the thought that somebody may want to read me does not usually result in an inability on my part to produce something for them to read. What gives, me? I’ve talked about Writer’s Block — or, more accurately Writer’s Blank. I’ve talked about writing things down and crossing them out (quite recently, in fact; sorry to repeat myself so soon).

Hey! Maybe this is all leading up to Musings about Expectations. I’m afraid the ladies at the Historical Society will expect me to write a blog post about them right away. I expect myself to be able to just sit down and write something brilliant (or at least postable). But I had previously expected to have an easy post today and to write about the Historical Society tomorrow. And I guess I also expect that lady is going to run right home to her computer and look for my blog (what an ego! You’d never think I suffer from low self-esteem).

Now I must come up with something profound to say about things not always being what we expect. Then again, the positive thinkers say if you expect great things or if you expect lousy things, you’ll probably get what you expect. Where does that leave me?

I expect that tomorrow I’ll be able to come up with a decent post on the Herkimer County Historical Society. It would be presumptuous to expect, but at least I can hope, that my readers will forgive me for a singularly foolish post today.

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Running On

Posted on March 4, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Saturday I ran after a few days not, and it was not easy. I kept myself going with the promise that I would blog about it. I really do enjoy running along and writing in my head, although the finished product is probably quite different from the mental draft.

A reader commented on a post about a couple of bad runs that completing a difficult run could be empowering. It’s true. It is often amazing to me how often that little voice in my head saying, “I can’t do this!” is wrong.

I remember once in the army a fellow soldier after falling out of a run said, “It was fall out or pass out.” I did not believe her but was tactful enough not to say so. Sometime later I sort of proved it to myself. I wanted to fall out of a run but said to myself, “Just run till you pass out.” I knew that if I passed out I would have an unassailable excuse for stopping (I just love that word, unassailable). Guess what? I didn’t pass out (I was sure you would guess). My vision didn’t even blur. I made some hideous noises breathing, but that was pretty normal for me for the time (I later found out it was Vocal Chord Dysfunction, but that’s a whole other blog post).

These memories and reflections kept me distracted and running for a good while. I enjoyed the (relatively) warm temperature and plowed through some puddles of melted snow. My feet got wet, but so what? They would dry.

I planned at least one good walk with my dog. I imagined how running would become easier and more fun, maybe even by tomorrow. I looked at my watch and tried not to be discouraged at how little time had passed. It was not until I started writing this that I realized I did not see the discarded underwear I’ve been noticing on Caroline Street. Too bad. That added a little interest to my day.

When I completed the run, I felt happy if not exactly empowered. Sunday’s run was much better. I look forward to finding out what Monday’s run will bring.

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Back in the Lame

Posted on March 3, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Lame Post Friday is back!

At least, I wish it were back. I sat in front of my notebook during three breaks at work and did not write a damn thing worth typing in here. Mostly I stared at a blank sheet of paper and said, “Oh dear” (a favorite saying of mine and my mother’s). I wrote a paragraph, then crossed it out with a giant X. Then a sentence. Same thing. The next break I turned the page, wrote a paragraph, then drew a careful line through it. Then a sentence. Same thing.

All day I had been alternately thinking of things I could write about and trying not to listen to the stupid voice in my head saying, “It’s too hard to post every day! Why did you say you’d post every day!” We’ve been through the post every day trauma. The bottom line is I said I’d do it for a year and I’m trying my best. I must say, it’s not usually too difficult to write SOMETHING, especially on a Lame Post Friday. And yet, today, thoughts eluded me.

In desperation I turned to a previous section of the notebook and continued writing notes on a murder mystery I’ve been moodling around with. I made a minor spectacle of myself in the break room by asking what digitalis is used for. I know it is a drug some people take for something and other people steal it and use it to poison people, but I can’t remember what it is prescribed for. Naturally I thought most people read Agatha Christie and might remember such a detail. I did not mention all that about poison and Agatha Christie, though; I just asked about digitalis.

One fellow said he thought it might make you fall asleep. “Anything with “alice” in it,” he said. “You know, like Alice in Wonderland.”

“It’s spelled differently,” I said, spelling it for him.

Somebody else suggested it was something to make your fingers fall asleep, a reasonable extrapolation, I thought. I said I’d look it up, and the subject was dropped. I have not looked it up yet, although that would probably be a good thing to include in this post. Ah, it is a cardiac stimulant made from foxglove (Steven keeps a dictionary by the computer).

I guess that is my story for Friday. Suitably lame, I suppose. So that makes my headline not a lie (I thought up the headline before I wrote the piece). I’ll write another post tomorrow, and I’ll try to have a Mohawk Valley adventure for the occasion.

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Yummy End to the Evening

Posted on March 2, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

As Steven and I left the cultural, intellectual lecture (see previous post), I mentioned that there was very little to eat in the house.

“I saved you the last of the pastrami and provolone,” I offered. He knew as well as I did it would make a fairly small sandwich.

“I could always have a bowl of cereal,” he said.

“Of course, Carney’s Corners is right over there,” I mentioned casually.

I’ve blogged about Carney’s corners before. They are a convenience store and deli, offering subs, pizza, wings, and more. We usually order delivery, but they are quite handily located, especially if you are coming from the court house (um, not that we are frequently at the court house).

We ordered a chicken bacon ranch sub. I know, turkey breast or even roast beef might have been more conducive to my weight loss goals, but I can’t always do the sensible thing. While our sub was being made, Steven found an Oreo brownie he wanted for dessert. I looked longingly at some puddings and cheesecakes in a cooler but ultimately decided the sub was decadence enough for one night.

“I’ll only eat half of my half and save the rest for breakfast,” I said.

“After all, it has bacon on it,” Steven said.

Once I started eating it, I knew I would do know such thing. It was yummy! And, really, a hot sub is better when eaten hot. I had something sensible for breakfast.

The sub was the perfect ending to our evening. I highly recommend Carney’s Corners for those evenings when you’re headed for home and realize there’s nothing good to eat in the house. They are located at 222 N. Washington St., Herkimer, NY, phone number 315-866-7191. They are open Sunday through Thursday till 10 p.m. with orders taken till 9:30 p.m., Friday and Saturday till 11 p.m. with orders taken till 10:30 p.m. Delivery is available Sunday through Thursday from 11 a.m. to 9:30 p.m., Friday and Saturday 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.

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Last Woman Hanged

Posted on March 1, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Tuesday I attended a lecture sponsored by the Herkimer County Historical Society. Does that sound cultured and intellectual? It may have been. It was also a great deal of fun.

James M. Greiner, author of Last Woman Hanged: Roxalana Druse, was talking about the famous case. I have many times noticed the historic marker outside the 1834 Jail and wanted to learn more about the local murderess. Last December, Greiner was at the Historical Society signing his book, but I missed it, which was too bad, because I had previously told my entire family NOT to buy me Christmas presents, because I was buying myself the book (they got me presents anyways, but that’s a whole other blog post).

Tuesday’s talk took place at the Herkimer County Courthouse, at Herkimer’s Historic Four Corners, a favorite walking place of mine and Tabby’s. I walked over, because Steven planned to drive straight from work (always fun to have a rendezvous). The event drew a large crowd. I could have gotten there much earlier and saved us seats closer to the front. Then again, with such a large crowd, some people may have taken exception to my saving a really good seat for somebody who may not arrive on time. Our seats in the back turned out to be fine, however; we had no problems hearing.

Greiner’s book is all about the facts of the case. Apparently everybody who grew up around here “knows” that Roxalana Druse fed her husband’s dead body to the pigs and was hanged on the hook in back of the jail, neither of which, it turns out, was the case. I have to confess, I didn’t know (or “know”) any of that. You see how much I missed out on, growing up in Rome.

We heard a lot about the true case and about the research Greiner undertook to find out about it. He is an excellent speaker, very organized and articulate, and obviously passionately interested in his subject. He says he follows the rule “Write what you love.” I wrote that one down.

He had previously published two books on the Civil War and wanted to do something different. He said he called up the Historical Society and said, “I want to do a murder.” (I wrote that one down, too.) He said the historical society lady’s response was to the effect of, “Not Gillette, he’s been done to death!” I must confess that made me feel a little vulgar, because I can’t get enough of the Gillette case. I don’t think any disparagement was meant, only that Greiner wanted to explore uncharted territory. As pointed out on the back of Greiner’s book, the Gillette case has overshadowed the Druse case. This book helps to even up the score.

I was able to purchase the book Tuesday. Several people attending had already read it and told me it was an excellent read, impossible to put down. After the talk, I went to the front of the room to get the author to sign it.

“Oh, I signed all of them.” He showed me where he did.

“Oh, I’m silly.” I did feel silly, especially as I was debating in my head whether to say Cindy or Cynthia when he asked me who to make it out to. That’s what author’s at book signings in movies always do.

I was really happy I was able to attend the talk and to buy the book. I look forward to reading it. Copies are available at the Herkimer County Historical Society, 406 N. Main St., Herkimer, NY. For more information call 315-866-6413.

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First Run after Registering

Posted on February 29, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I registered for the Boilermaker and proceeded not to run. In my defense, the weather was bad and I felt like crap (oh, don’t point me out folks who run in a blizzard with pneumonia; that is not me).

I was determined to run on Monday. The weather cooperated. My body cooperated. My dog didn’t act too bent out of shape. I was off.

Regarding my dog: I was not completely without exercise all weekend, because Tabby and I took a lengthy walk on Sunday. I had not intended to do such a thing. I had intended to sit with my feet up, possibly sipping hot tea, recruiting my energies for the week ahead. However, when I went upstairs (for a purpose I no longer remember), Tabby assumed it was preparatory to taking her for a walk. She started jumping and hopping and looking so happy and hopeful, I just couldn’t disappoint her.

And for the first five minutes of the walk, I thought that maybe fresh air and exercise were just what I needed. I spent the subsequent thirty minutes of the walk realizing that they were not. As we walked through the park, I envisioned myself sitting on a bench and falling asleep. I wondered if somebody would rescue me before hypothermia set in but decided not to risk it.

I was feeling better by Monday afternoon. I only wished I had laid out my running clothes before work, but, goodness, who thinks of such things at four in the morning? (Probably those same folks that run in a blizzard with pneumonia.)

So there I was, running down the sidewalks of Herkimer. I saw the discarded underwear I’ve noticed before. They were crumpled up just off the sidewalk this time. I noted a screened-in porch with a lot of junk piled up in it. What a waste of a screened-in porch! Perhaps the owners mean to clean it in the spring. An open porch had two lovely wooden rocking chairs. Oh, I’ll be so glad when porch sitting weather arrives! (I almost said “I can’t wait,” but in fact, I shall have to.)

My run was feeling pretty OK. I got to the “I can rock this” stage fairly early on. A few leg muscles expressed displeasure further into the run, but you’ll have that. I refuse to let a little muscular miftiness deter me.

I felt so happy at the end of my run, I wanted to walk around with my fists in the air while somebody sang the chorus of “We Are the Champions.” Quite a feeling of triumph for one little run. Well, I try to accept joy wherever I find it. Boilermaker, here I come!

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But Blake Said to Punch the Guy!

Posted on February 28, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Middle-aged Musings Monday is back!

OK, that was all I had written in my head so far. I thought that once I put the pen to the paper, words would magically come out. They sometimes do, you know. Oh well, somebody once said writing about not writing is still writing.

Speaking of not writing, since I was in search of inspiration I began re-reading the divine If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland (Graywolf Press, St. Paul, 1987) (originally published in 1938). And I have been musing lately on a quote in that book from William Blake: “Sooner strangle an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.”

At first glance, it seems that Blake is giving us permission to do whatever the hell we want to do as soon as we feel like doing it. I have to say, that doesn’t really sit well with me. But on looking again, I see the word “nurse.” Maybe Blake meant you don’t have to act on any desire, but if you’re not going to act on it, don’t dwell on it. I like that better. (Just a side note: my computer keeps telling me “unacted” is not a word, and I don’t see it in the dictionary, but that is the quote.)

I’ll give an example. Suppose I want to punch some guy right in the face (I’ll use myself in the example, because I get the impression Blake was not the sort to go around punching people) (um, neither am I, of course) (you do believe me, don’t you?). My experience and common sense tells me that this is probably not a good idea. But the devil on my shoulder says, “Blake says to do it! Don’t nurse unacted desires!” The angel on the other shoulder (a much more soft-spoken creature) repeats, “Don’t nurse unacted desires,” putting a little more emphasis on “nurse.”

In other words, don’t sit there wishing and wanting to do something you don’t intend to do. Decide not to do it and move on.

I have to confess, I do not always heed this advice. I don’t usually punch sons of bitches in the face, however appropriate it may seen (OK, I’ve never punched a son of a bitch in the face). But I nurse the desire.

I think about the crunching sound as the cartilage in his nose crumbles under my fist (shut up, this is my fantasy). I picture the blood spurting, the startled look on his face. I anticipate the feeling of utter satisfaction.

Ahem. This is obviously not a very good thing to do. It will lead to utter dissatisfaction that I did not punch the guy, or I will punch the guy and no doubt find the satisfaction is short-lived, if at all.

Full disclosure: I have not read much Blake. And by not much, I mean I’ve read quotes by him in other books. Well, there are a lot of books in the world. If I’m going to have time for Regency romances and murder mysteries, I’m going to miss a few classics.

Be that as it may. I’ve covered one musing, ironically enough on a quote I found while searching for my muse. Is that an irony or merely a play on words? A musing for another day. Happy Monday.

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Monster Movie Matinee

Posted on February 27, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Does anybody remember last Saturday when I went adventuring and got a good three posts out of one afternoon? Well, that was then, this is now, as the man said (I think if was in some movie or other).

Saturday I did not feel well. The adventures I had planned, I put on hold. The most Mohawk Valley thing I did was to drink my morning coffee out of the Dyn’s Cider Mill mug. I love that mug.

Saturday afternoon I intended to take it easy, and my husband Steven graciously agreed to take it easy with me. I suggested we watch an old movie, King Kong from 1933 with Fay Wray. After all, Saturday afternoon, monster movie matinee, what could be more appropriate?

I made some popcorn. Alas, I’ve eaten all of the bag I bought at Dyn’s, so no local connection there. I pop my corn on the stove, in oil, and melt real butter to put on it. Yum. Then it lasts me a few days, because I eat some, then wash my hands so I can crochet. That’s how I roll.

Our video of King Kong was purchased by me a number of years ago (seeing that it is a video, some people already guessed that). I got it at a good price from Avon, of all places. A lady I work with sold it; this was later than my own ill-fated attempts to be an Avon Lady. We don’t pop it in very often. Steven is not usually anxious to watch King Kong. All of Fay Wray’s screaming gets on his nerves. I confess, I like her better in Mystery of the Wax Museum, where she has more character and more gumption, but you can’t have everything, after all.

For being all about beauty and the beast, the movie is fairly anti-woman. From the start, the movie producer is disgusted he has to hire a girl for his next picture. He can make a swell picture, he says, but the public wants a girl! OK, he’ll give them a girl. Enter Fay Wray. Cue the handsome first mate to tell her women are nothing but trouble, especially on board a ship. I have to wonder if there ever really was a superstition about women on a ship. Women used to sail on ships all the time, whenever they had to cross an ocean. But in old movies, you’ve always got some old salt saying women don’t belong on a ship.

The movie isn’t so hot from a race relations point of view, either. There are a lot of black actors in the picture, but they’re all savage natives. About all they get to do is beat drums and run away from the big gorilla.

But what do I want from a movie made in 1933? It was entertaining, I admit. Oh, one more beef: at the end (sorry to give away the ending, but you really should have seen this one or one of the remakes by now), the man says, “It was beauty that killed the beast.” No it wasn’t! It was getting shot by an airplane and falling off the Empire State Building! Hello! Sorry, just had to say it.

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Registration Rigamarole

Posted on February 26, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Having started running again (see previous posts), I thought I’d better register for the Boilermaker before it fills up. The cap is 14,000 runners, and they are more than halfway there. Yikes!

Previously, I went to the Distance Runners Hall of Fame, filled out an application and wrote a check. The hardest part was navigating the one-way streets in downtown Utica (that would have made an awesome blog post; I love that section of Utica). I knew I could register online, but I prefer in person adventures. The Hall of Fame website did not even list their hours (that I could find; we all know I’m not very bright about the internet), but they had a place where you could submit a question, so I did.

I was pleased to receive an email the next day, disappointed to learn that I had to register online, and a little embarrassed for the emailer, because she spelled “through” “threw” (just goes to show, spell check does not solve all problems). (But that was not as bad as a boss I heard of who sent an email about somebody being out with “ammonia” and, when called on the error, bristled, “I used spell check!”)

With a resigned sigh, because I am not internetly adept, I typed in boilermaker.com. It seems they have contracted with the Active Network Inc. (active.com) for registration. A paragraph bragged about how this company utilizes firewalls and encryption to make sure our information and credit card numbers are safe.

I clicked on it, clicked that I was a New York State resident, then settled down to read the lo-o-o-ong waiver I had to sign off on. I almost didn’t read it, because I knew I was going to sign it, because I wanted to run. Only, they rather sternly (or do I read too much into a typeface?) stated that by signing I guaranteed that I read and understood it. I don’t like to be too much of a liar (although when I do it, it’s called fiction). I guess I was partially truthful, because I skimmed it and understood part of it. Basically, I think I promised not to sue, even if they did something wrong. Well, that made sense. 14,000 runners, the Boilermaker people don’t want folks suing them for medical bills over turned ankles because they didn’t clear away the discarded paper cups (although I’m sure they meet the reasonable man standard on that one. Hello! 14,000 runners!). But do they need to go on and on about it? I suppose they do.

The waiver went on for even longer when they started talking about the things I wasn’t going to sue active.com for. After the earlier boasts about how secure they were! Oh, I know, CYA (Cover Your Ass; who says you don’t learn anything in college?). Then they went on at some length about California jurisdiction, where the company is based.

So. Our proud, grand, LOCAL tradition has contracted with a California company for its registration. I understand Active is a huge, reputable company; that they register many races; and with 14,000 runners the Boilermaker perhaps needs the expertise. Still, I am Mohawk Valley Girl, and I wish it were being done by somebody local (is there anybody local? Come on, Utica! Start a company!).

Be that as it may, I signed the waiver and drove on.

They wanted to know my last Boilermaker time. There was no space to put, “Oh, just send me a grey number; I run with the masses.” I guess with 14,000 runners, they don’t have time for everybody to be a wise ass. Luckily, Steven had written down my last year’s time on a poster my niece had drawn for me on the occasion.

I had to check twice that I did not want a training t-shirt. That made for some amusement when I went to “review registration.” I saw “I am not purchasing a training t-shirt,” then two lines later, “I AM NOT PURCHASING A TRAINING T-SHIRT.” Just like that, upper/lower then all caps. As in, “I SAID, I’M NOT PURCHASING…” etc. I know, it takes so little to please some people.

Active.com offered me three months of magazines for free. That was tempting, but as I read on I saw that if I did NOT call and cancel they would automatically charge the subscription price to my credit card every year till I did. If I subscribe to a magazine, I want them to ASK me IF I want to renew. I don’t like this automatic stuff; Homey don’t play dat.

Still later I was offered a trial membership to active.com. It was the same deal: free for three months, then automatically charged to my card. I said it before and I’ll say it again (because I like saying it), Homey don’t play dat.

At last I got the registration completed. Oh, how I missed driving somewhere and doing it in person! Some love to do everything on line, but I prefer people (I know, that is so 20th century). I’m sure the Boilermaker people had very good reasons for doing registration this way, probably having to do with those 14,000 runners I find so intimidating.

The important thing is I am registered for the Boilermaker (got my email confirmation today). I seem to remember last July getting three posts out of not running. Already I’ve gotten over 800 words out of registering. The sky’s the limit!

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Hubba Hubba Hummus

Posted on February 25, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I realized I had a cooking adventure on Sunday that I forgot to share. I think it’s a pretty good one, but you can be the judge.

I had been wanting to make hummus for a long time. I had an extra large can of garbanzo beans (some people call them chickpeas, but garbanzo beans is so much more fun to say; try it). Much later I finally picked up a jar of Tahini. Tahini is a sesame seed paste found in the international food aisle. It’s not something I usually stock in my pantry. In fact, I had never bought it before. So, you see, this was a true adventure for me.

Full disclosure: the Tahini sat in my pantry for a good few weeks while I wondered in a vague sort of way where my food processor was (all the while being pretty sure it was in the basement and completely sure that one question to my husband would solve that problem). Sunday I started thinking how I had these whole wheat pitas, and hummus would taste pretty good in them for a snack at work.

I started by washing the parts of the food processor in hot water. Now, about this food processor. I don’t use it very much. There are so many parts, and I believe the instructions were written by somebody who said, “Oh, nobody reads the instructions anyways, just put some words down.” I can just about figure out one attachment and how to click it into the base by looking at the pictures. Further experimentation will probably solve the mystery of the other attachments, but I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Then I pulled out the recipe. It is in a book called Recipes Bless the Heart and Home, published by Saints Peter and Paul Orthodox Church, Herkimer, NY. Steven bought it for me years ago, and it is a wonderful cookbook. I noticed the church was still selling it when Steven and I were there for a community event (I don’t remember exactly what it was, but we ate some delicious food and purchased some yummy cookies).

The recipe calls for a 15 oz. can of chickpeas. Oh dear. No, not the chickpeas/garbanzo beans thing. But my can was 1 lb. 13 oz. How many ounces are in a pound? Oh, hell, I’m not doing the math. I just dumped what looked like a goodly amount of the ingredients in and whirred them around a bit.

It turned out yummy! Now I’m a little afraid to get the right size can of garbanzo beans and actually follow the recipe. I’ll probably continue to use the “dump a goodly amount” method. But for anyone who wants the actual recipe, here it is:

Hummus Appetizer
4 cloves Garlic (or more to taste) (You bet I used more! Who do you think you’re talking to?)
6 Tbsp Tahini (sesame seed paste) (I probably used less proportionally)
1/4 cup lemon juice (I know I used less)
1 – 15 oz. can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/4 cup olive oil
1/8 tsp paprika (probably used more)
1/4 tsp pepper (completely forgot this)
Blend all ingredients in food processor or blender. Chill well. Serve as dip with small wedges of pita bread or vegetables.

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