Category Archives: humor

It seems odd to do three posts about movies in a row, but it’s really been too hot to do much else.

So I watched a movie that I thought wouldn’t be cheesy and I was right. Then I watched another movie that I thought wouldn’t be cheesy and I was wrong. Then I watched a movie that I thought would be cheesy and I was half right.

One Body Too Many (1944) starring Jack Haley was in Steven’s collection of 50 Horror Classics, but like The Fatal Hour (previously reviewed in this blog), it is more of a murder mystery. According to the DVD box, Bela Lugosi stars, which probably explains the horror designation. Haley gets billed over Lugosi in the credits, and he is the hero of the picture. Lugosi is window dressing as the creepy butler. He adds more to the atmosphere than the plot, but that’s a mere quibble. Lugosi is always a welcome addition to the cast.

I loved the title of the movie, and the plot description sounded promising: an insurance salesman arrives to sell insurance to an rich eccentric but finds the guy already dead and the greedy relatives gathered per instructions in the very eccentric will. The salesman stays to guard the body and protect the beautiful niece.

That’s not a quote; it’s just what I remember from the collection insert. Plus a few descriptive terms of my own. I’m sure you get the idea.

Jack Haley, in case you didn’t know (I had forgotten), played the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. I couldn’t quite picture him with the silver face, but once I realized who he was, I remembered the farm hand who looked like that. In this movie he’s my kind of leading man: not arrogant, treats his love interest with respect, makes with the wise cracks, and get comically funny at appropriate moments. I know, a lot of women love the strong, handsome, fearless sort — like Sir Walter Raleigh in The Virgin Queen. I think they are at best a little dull and at worst, big fat jerks (again, like Sir Walter). Give me the funny one every time.

The set up for the movie is utterly ridiculous. I like an eccentric will as well as the next movie goer. But even I can only suspend my disbelief so far. The dead guy wants to be buried in a clear mausoleum so he can view the stars. OK. His heirs must stay in the house till said mausoleum is completed. OK. Then the rest of the will can be read, delineating who gets what. O…K. If in the meantime he gets buried in the ground, everything is reversed and the people who were supposed to get a lot will get a buck and a half and vice versa. Excuse me, what? Is he just trying to cause trouble from beyond the grave? Who thinks of these things, anyways?

The only will I’ve ever actually read was my own, which was drawn up for me in the army. It didn’t say much. Then again, I don’t have eight million dollars. I don’t even have any fancy stuff my relatives might fight over other than, perhaps, my grandmother’s skeleton (not as creepy as it sounds). I suppose the crazy will is just another time honored fictional technique (I wonder if I could do a whole blog post on time honored fictional techniques). Just the same, perhaps I ought to add a codicil or so to my own last testament…

So we’re off on a very silly ride, some of which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense even while you’re watching it (as opposed to the movies that you watch, mesmerized, and only later say, “Waaait a minute!”). For example, at one point Jack Haley is hiding in the coffin and the bad relatives steal it and dump it in the fish pond. Haley can see perfectly well what is going on and, although he cannot get out of the coffin, fish can get in. Steven said there was a window in the coffin. I guess that makes sense, given the clear mausoleum thing. Only, why didn’t the bad relatives notice it wasn’t the old man in the coffin? Perhaps it was explained and I was not paying enough attention. The scene manages to be both funny and scary, so that was good, and the beautiful niece saves him, so that was even better. I do love a movie female who is not useless.

I’m not sure which body is the one too many, because there are a couple of murders as we go on. Haley gets to wander half naked through some secret passages, with which the house seems to be liberally provided, and he gets to save the day in the end.

The movie was cheesy, without a doubt, but I think it was meant to be. It was definitely meant to be funny, and it was. I enjoyed it and may even watch it again. Maybe I can figure out that window in the coffin thing.

I attempted to continue my non-cheesy movie viewing with a Bette Davis movie on TCM Sunday. I love Bette Davis. I just finished reading another biography of her: More than a Woman: An Intimate Biography of Bette Davis by James Spada (Bantam Books, 1993).

The Virgin Queen (1955) also starring Joan Collins was Davis’ second portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I. Davis was reportedly delighted at the chance, especially since she was closer in age to what Elizabeth was at the time the movie takes place. She is wonderful, of course.

Joan Collins at this point had not reached her glory as a glamorous, conniving bitch (I use the word with respect, admiration and descriptive intent). She is a pretty girl. In a couple of early scenes, where she is flirtatious and comfortable maneuvering in the shifting sands of sixteenth century court, she shows a little of the vixen she would later portray so well. Later on, when she is merely in love with Sir Walter Raleigh, she’s a typical dull movie female. Give me a little vinegar every time!

Sir Walter Raleigh was originally the main character in the movie, before Davis got involved. I learned this in the pre-movie commentary from Ben Mankiewicz (grandson, I believe, of Joseph L. Mankiewicz who directed Davis in the divine All About Eve). The movie was originally called Sir Walter Raleigh, then Sir Walter Raleigh and the Virgin Queen, then finally The Virgin Queen.

Sir Walter Raleigh, in case you didn’t know, is the guy who spread his cloak over a puddle so Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t get her feet wet. I must remember to find out sometime if the story is true. According to this movie, Raleigh is lying, manipulative and self-serving. I don’t know what Elizabeth or Mistress Throckmorton (Collins) see in him. He schemes his way to court, sleazes a beautiful cloak (for the mud puddle trick) from an unsuspecting tailor, and loses no time in ingratiating himself with the Queen. He wants three ships, which he apparently knows how to design so that they will be more awesome than any ship hitherto known. Instead Elizabeth makes him Captain of the Guard.

At this point Mistress Throckmorton stops coquetting and begins to scorn Raleigh for being one of the Queen’s lap dogs. Now I would think that Captain of the Guard charged with guarding Her Royal Highness, who had a lot of enemies as rulers tend to do, would be considered a pretty manly job. Elizabeth I, remember, was no ordinary queen. She had inherited a nearly bankrupt kingdom that got no respect from the rest of Europe and, without the help of a king, pretty much turned things around. At this point in her reign, most of her kingdom and much of Europe agreed she was tops in sovereign rulers. And it was no shame to try to ingratiate yourself with a sovereign ruler in those days. That was a respected way to earn a living.

So the movie tacks twentieth century American sensibilities onto sixteenth century British history. I suppose this is a time-honored fictional technique. And perhaps we must be patient with 1950s Hollywood.

Still, it bothered me that Mistress Throckmorton kept trying to goad Sir Walter into asserting his manhood or something. To me, that’s not love. You love a person the way they are, not the way you would have them be. Of course, we always hope our loved ones improve themselves, say by turning from a life of crime or getting off drugs. But you can’t hold out your love as the prize if they behave a certain way. I don’t see any touching romance in that. Nor in belittling your supposed love, whatever your motivation is.

I know, I know, another time-honored fictional technique. All I can say is, time honors some messed up things.

Mistress Throckmorton finally decides or admits she’s in love with Sir Walter the first time the queen is about to banish or behead him (I was making all kinds of notes in the TV Journal abut the stuff in the movie that pissed me off, so I missed a few plot points). They get married without the benefit of clergy, probably to satisfy the Hayes Office.

Elizabeth does not behead him at this time but instead knights him and gives him one ship. She intends to send Mistress Throckmorton to the French court, which if you ask me would have been a good place for her. She might have gotten her coquettish ways back. Soon, however, she is fainting in the chapel, which, of course, is movie shorthand for being pregnant (now we know why they had to get married).

At one point, Sir Walter and the new Lady Raleigh attempt to flee to freedom in the New World, which, I hope you all remember from elementary school history, it is way to early to do. They are not going to meet Thomas Jefferson and say, “Ooh, loved your Declaration.” They’re not even going to meet the Pilgrims (which is just as well, because Collins’ wardrobe would not have been a hit). But it’s a movie and I suppose it does add to the entertainment value to be able to say, “Hah! Things are MUCH better here in America!”

I will admit that the entertainment value of the movie was not bad. My main entertainment was my criticisms, but I’m sure other viewers are less nit-picky. I’m used to movies playing fast and loose with history, and this one does it in spades. I’m also used to movies portraying the biggest stinkers as desirable love interests.

In summary, I did not get the non-cheesy experience I sought. Bette Davis, I repeat, was wonderful. She far outclassed her material. My lesson is sad but true: you can have great production values, beautiful costumes and sets, and my favorite actress, and still wind up with a big old piece of cheese.