Category Archives: lame

Spare Me the Existential Post

Posted on October 20, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I don’t have much of a headache, and my back doesn’t feel too bad. Lame Post Friday ought to be a breeze.

Of course it’s not. You didn’t think it would be, did you? I wasn’t sure, myself. I thought it could go either way. Looks like it’s veering into Existential Writer’s Crisis. Nice.

Existential is one of those fancy words that people use to sound erudite that don’t really mean much. “Spare me the existential pose,” one character says to another in the movie Big Chill. He could just as well have said, “Spare me the pose,” or even, “Spare me” (I guess some people wish they had been spared the whole movie, although I like it).

Where was I? Ah yes, in crisis. Not much of one, really. My wrist is not on my forehead. It just looks as if I’m writing yet another post on Why I Can’t Write a Post.

And that was as much as I wrote at work today (on a break OF COURSE). I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering if some reader would post a condescending comment explaining to me the meaning of existential philosophy. I had my reply ready, “You sound very erudite.”

Still, as soon as you start thinking about the condescending things people might say to you, you tend to stop writing. At least many of us do (probably that condescending comment-poster does not have that problem) (you know who you are).

When I got home I looked up existential in not one but two dictionaries, to make sure it means what I think it means. I don’t believe in quoting the dictionary, so to give you the definition, I will quote a movie, The Ref, an awesome Christmas movie (although Steven categorizes it as Twisted Christmas). Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are a married couple in therapy, which they seem to sorely need but which is not doing them much good. I may be paraphrasing:

Kevin Spacey: In the meantime, she never finishes anything she starts. Photography classes. Cooking classes. Existential philosophy courses.

Judy Davis: At least I go after my dreams!

Kevin Spacey: Do do what? To take pictures of Lutefisk to prove the nothingness of being?

Why can’t I write shit like that? (That’s from another movie: In Soapdish, writer Whoopi Goldberg says it when real life drama intrudes on the set.) Just when I thought my sidetrack into the meaning of existential was going to derail my crisis.

But, crisis or not, I see I am over 400 words, or if you don’t count my movie quotes, over 300 words. That’s a respectable Lame Post (as respectable as they get). Happy Friday, everyone!

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Walk, Don’t Run

Posted on October 13, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was going to go running yesterday, because halfway through work I realized my back felt much better. I miss running! For one thing, I go further away from the house, so I see different scenery than when I take a walk with Tabby. For another thing, I’m gaining weight again. Say it ain’t so! If any more motivation is needed, it’s a built-in blog post.

On the other hand, for the past week my back has been really paining me. I mean, more so that your common or garden over-40 aches. I seriously considered going to the doctor and embarking upon a long struggle with addiction to prescription painkillers. Of course, there was no guarantee I could get in to see the doctor right away, and even less guarantee that he would prescribe anything beyond physical therapy and weight loss (say it ain’t so!).

While I dithered, I did some stretches I found in a Women’s Day magazine (April 2012) as well as a couple shown me by my mother and a woman at work. I know, this is not the same thing as working with a trained physical therapist who can ensure I am doing the appropriate moves with the proper form. Well, it fit my schedule and my budget for now.

And IT HELPED!!! I felt joyous. I knew I had sports bras clean. It had only been a week and one day since my last run. I could rock this! Then I thought, don’t be stupid. Your back just this minute stopped hurting, don’t instantly do something known to cause back strain. Still, running helps with the weight loss thing. I dithered a little more (I always say, go with your strengths).

Perhaps it was fortunate that my back started twinging again on the drive home. I thought a nice walk with Tabby would be more my speed. Tabby was agreeable. She didn’t want to go very far, either. Two blocks was all we did. I stretched some more later on.

Today at work, my friend who had shown me the one stretch brought me a copy of the physical therapy exercises she did when she was out for a month with back pain. I showed them to another co-worker and assured him I intended to do these exercises faithfully, “So you won’t have to listen to me complain about my aching back ANY MORE!”

He expressed skepticism. I explained that he would still have to listen to me complain about other things, and he believed that much.

I had actually meant to write a blog post about my two block walk with Tabby. When I sat down and put pen to paper, all this garbage about my back came out. I originally thought I might segue into an amusing description of the walk and edit out the back garbage later, but for some reason I never quite got to the amusing description. Then I thought, it’s Lame Post Friday! What could be more lame than two Fridays in a row complaining about my aches and pains? Stay tuned for more posts about Why I Can’t Write a Decent Post. Happy Friday, everyone!

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Best Lame Plans

Posted on September 29, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

It is not easy to write when you have a raging sinus headache.

My original plan was to write two posts on Thursday. Then Friday after work I would have only to hit “Publish,” and Steven and I could be off on our Mohawk Valley adventures.

Well, Thursday, I found out that it is not easy to write when you are dreadfully nauseous and laboring under strong emotions. Thursday’s post, in case you couldn’t tell, was composed at the computer with not a whole lot of time expended. Believe it or not, a great deal of thought was expended. It just didn’t seem to do me much good.

Fast forward to Friday (today) (oh, wouldn’t we Monday to Friday workers LOVE to be able to do just that). I was determined to write something that I could hurry home and just type in. After all, how hard could it be? It’s Lame Post Friday!

A little voice in my head is saying, “Cindy. Isn’t it time you stopped this obsession of posting every day? It was all very well for the first year, but now how many times a week are you craving people’s indulgence for another dumb post? Shouldn’t you be going for quality over quantity?”

To that voice I say, “Oh, do be quiet. Why can’t you say something interesting, like the voices in other people’s heads? Maybe something involving aliens and a tin foil hat.” I think I would look rather fetching in a tin foil hat. I wonder if it would do anything to alleviate the headache.

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Thursday’s Tale about Wednesday’s Walk

Posted on September 28, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I mean to start running again, so I can write some posts about running. I’m not up to it today, though, so I will write about a walk I took yesterday with my schnoodle, Tabby.

It was maybe 40 minutes before Steven was due to leave work, and maybe 45-50 minutes before I had to leave for a meeting of the Ilion Little Theatre Club Board of Directors (did I happen to mention I’m secretary?). Tabby was restless. I knew if we started walking she might think we were going to meet Steven, but I thought if we walked towards her favorite Historic Four Corners she wouldn’t mind so much.

I don’t think she minded too much. She still looked up with interest at every car that passed, especially if they happened to slow down. But she was happy to walk. I was happy too. The temperature was just right for walking and my legs were loving the exercise.

The best thing was a house decorated for Halloween. I love Halloween! This house had an entire graveyard in the side lawn (it was on a corner). Various ghosts and skeletons hung from the trees. The porch boasted a large skeleton and a body wrapped in gauze hanging upside down. Eek! I saw some lights and immediately made up my mind to walk there again after dark (preview of coming attractions).

That was in fact the only memorable feature of the walk. We went down Main Street, though the park by Basloe Library, then around the block back to Main (it was Tabby’s idea). I admired the Post Office as usual, a beautiful historic building, and felt guilty for not writing anybody any postcards this week. We went by Pete’s Tavern but did not go in, because Tabby is not 21. And I didn’t have any money. Oh, yeah, and I intended to drive to my meeting later.

Crazy Otto’s Empire Diner was open for dinner and I thought, “Damn, if Steven was home and I didn’t have a meeting, we could go eat there!” Which may have made a better blog post, but sometimes these things can’t be helped. We also went by Hummel’s Office Plus, closed for the night, and the Belly Up Pub, not yet open.

Last Thursday I posted Lame. I think this Thursday has been even worse. Maybe I need a feature for Thursdays, you know, like Lame Post Friday or Middle-aged Musings Monday. The Thursday Trudge? I wrote a post once called “Trudging through Tuesday.” It received the only negative comment I have ever gotten in close to 500 posts. Oh dear, I think I’ve just asked for trouble. Well, hate me if you must (but not because I’m beautiful) (that was a reference to an ad from the ’80s, not a demonstration of my considerable ego). Point and laugh if you like. I can only do the best I can.

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The Post I Had Been Going to Write

Posted on September 22, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Yesterday I previewed the title “Dirty Break for Dirty Works.” It’s quite possible that some reader somewhere was looking forward to such a post. It is possible that some reader or even readers was looking forward to this blog becoming All Dirty Works All The Time, as I had previously threatened (I confess to feeling some anticipation for that myself). It is also possible that I just like using the phrase Dirty Work in as many sentences as possible.

Welcome to Lame Post Friday.

I had meant to write a real post today, since yesterday’s was pretty sad (although I hope somebody somewhere derived some entertainment from it) (that’s really not so far-fetched; some people are highly entertained by saying, “What a dumb post!”) (but surely none of my readers are so snotty and superior).

The post I had been going to write concerned the postponement of Dirty Work at the Crossroads, the play being directed by my delightful husband, Steven, for Ilion Little Theatre. We are now hoping to do the show in the spring, in which case I will have the opportunity to use “Dirty Work” in many future headlines.

I was going to make a whole big story of the saga, but as I sit here, pen in hand (I’m writing this on a break at work as usual), that is really all I want to say about it. So here is my blog post about what I am not going to write a blog post about. Sufficiently lame for a Friday, I trust.

That is as much as I wrote at work today. I see now I have indulged in some inaccuracy, or is it irony, in my headline. This is not, in fact, the post I had meant to write. On the other hand, it is a post about the post I had meant to write. Is that half-baked philosophy or circular reasoning? Or a lame, not to say random observation?

In my defense, I gave blood today. It makes me woozy. I have no brains left to improve upon what I have written. Happy Friday, though, and for anybody who happens to need a pint of O Positive, if you get mine, you’re welcome.

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Lame Is As Lame Does

Posted on September 15, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I had started to write this week’s Friday Lame Post, heavy on the half-baked philosophy and full of literary erudition (well, full of something), all about “Ode to a Grecian Urn,” but I feel philosophically unable to finish it today. Perhaps another Friday. Or it may do for a Middle-aged Musings Monday. That is for the future.

I seem to remember having kind of an existential crisis trying to write this week’s Monday Musings. It was supposed to be easy and it was not. Likewise with Lame Post Friday. I’m supposed to sit here rattling off a few random observations and some half-baked philosophy, then get on with my weekend. I can’t have two existential crises in one week. At least, I suppose I can, but I can’t very well blog about them both. So please, dear reader, ignore this paragraph, continue reading and pretend I am having an easy time of it.

Actually, as I type, I begin to think, “I can rock this.” And there is some writerly half-baked philosophy: Once you start putting words down, it is really not so difficult as it seemed when you were staring at the blank screen (or page, as the case may be). That is scarcely an original thing to say, but bear with me. I may come up with something better.

I randomly observed the most adorable little dog sticking his head out of the window of a car in front of me as I drove home today. I hoped he would not get excited and jump out, but if he did, I was prepared to throw on my emergency flashers, put the truck in park and run to the rescue. Then I saw he was sitting on a little boy’s lap, so I figured the kid would keep track of him. Good thing. That little dog could have outrun me with no problem. I probably would have been no help at all and just antagonized the motorists behind me.

I got pretty antagonized myself as I hit every light red, sitting through a couple of them twice because there was so much traffic. The other day I gave a co-worker a ride, hit most of the lights green, and observed to her how some days hitting the lights red bothers you more than others. Today it bothered me and then some. It would be nice if I could come up with some half-baked philosophy about this, wouldn’t it? Something to put it in perspective, maybe keep myself from getting so agitated next time. I’m thinking, but nothing’s coming. I guess I’ll fall back on my stand-by philosophy, “You’ll have that.”

I spent a good portion of my time at work trying to think of a lame headline. I don’t think that is a particularly good one, but it will have to do. I’m over 400 words now, so I think I can start my weekend. I’ll try to have some Mohawk Valley adventures to share, and maybe next week we can talk about “Ode to a Grecian Urn.”

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Ask Me No Questions, I’ll Tell You No Lame

Posted on September 8, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Why does writing for Lame Post Friday become increasingly difficult?

Actually, I think I’ve just incorporated the two elements of Lame Post Friday: Random Observation: it becomes increasingly difficult to write Friday Lame Posts. Half-Baked Philosophy: Why?

And that’s pretty much as far as I can go with that.

Here’s another random observation, though: it often threatens rain long before it actually rains. Which raises the half-baked philosophical question: What exactly is the “it” referred to in the previous sentence?

Random observation number three: I have now asked two half-baked philosophical questions but made no attempt to answer either one. Related philosophical question: Why not? Related observation: Philosophy often raises questions which it does not intend to answer.

This is becoming an increasingly silly post (random observation number five!). Is that a problem? (philosophical question four; if this was a game, random observations would be ahead)

I do have some Mohawk Valley adventures planned for the weekend. I’m having a personal adventure now, but I think it would be really lame to recount how I’m dying my hair. Wait a minute…

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But I Like to Write

Posted on September 1, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I did not write my blog post while at work today. I worked on my novel. There, I’ve said it.

I don’t like to talk about the fact that I’m writing a novel. I’ve started too many novels and not finished them. I used to talk about my novels all the time. It was a mistake. I usually got a disgusted look and “That’s been done.” The worst (although I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way) was a friend who said I needed a Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout, if you did not know, was a Kurt Vonnegut character. Trout was a novelist, and Vonnegut would describe the books he wrote. In other words, I am only a fictional novelist.

It’s true, I suppose. I’ve written pages and pages of novels but only ever finished one. And it wasn’t very good. I know a lot of crap gets published. I know because I read some of it. Some of it I start reading and can’t finish because it’s too crappy and, as noted, I’m not hung up on finishing things. However, the crappiest novel published has one advantage over all but one of mine: it is finished.

This is not what I meant to write about. I set out to do a common or garden Friday Lame Post (“common or garden” is one of my favorite descriptive phrases). In the interests of accuracy, I like to say whether I write my post at work or compose it at the keyboard. So I suppose it was in the interests of accuracy that I blurted out the reason why I hadn’t written the post at work.

I don’t know why I should suddenly feel all exposed to my readers, like I’ve let fall some shameful secret. In the first place, many of my readers are my friends and family, who must surely know I have not given up on my dream of writing novels. And I am willing to bet that most bloggers are closet novelists (which is not quite the same thing as a real estate novelist, as sung about by Billy Joel). I like to think most people write a blog because they LIKE TO WRITE.

Ooh, there’s a bit of half-baked philosophy; maybe I can segue back into Lame Post Friday from here. Bloggers like to write. I like to write. However, I have seen quotes from writers (I’m a big one for reading collections of notable quotes) to the effect of: I hate to write but love to have written. I think I may have talked about this before. How lame is that, to repeat myself? I AM segueing back into Lame Post Friday!

Random observation (just to make my Lame Post Friday complete): it is a full moon tonight, the second full moon of August. Some say that makes it a blue moon, but there was some discussion on Facebook that what really makes a blue moon is four in one season. Huh? I’m not about to Google it and join in the fight.

I am about 500 words into the post and I have not yet reiterated for anyone unfamiliar with the term that Lame Post Friday is my day for random observations and half-baked philosophy. It is my day to Post Dumb if I feel like it. Guess I felt like it in spades today. Happy Friday, everyone.

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A Day Lame and a Dollar Short

Posted on August 25, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I didn’t have Lame Post Friday, so that means I can make a lame post today and get away with it. I almost added, right? But I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. I can get away with this. Um, maybe I’m telling myself. But I digress (wait a minute, maybe that could be some half-baked philosophy, if I find myself short).

Full disclosure: I did not have to work today. The reason I didn’t have my usual Lame Post Friday is that I thought I was working Saturday, thus robbing Friday of its usual charm. But things changed halfway through the day. Then Friday got a lot more charming for me. Still, I had already written the post about Dirty Work at the Crossroads. Waste not, want not.

Tabby and I took a walk to the post office to mail a couple of post cards. I do love sending people post cards. One was of the Herkimer County Courthouse, located on the Historic Four Corners, which regular readers know Tabby loves to walk by. I’m sending a cousin in Norwich a series of post cards of the Four Corners. So far I’ve sent her the Historical Society and the Courthouse. I know I have one of the 1834 Jail, but I lack one of Herkimer Reformed Church. Perhaps I could go by the Historical Society later today and look for one. Might be good for Sunday’s blog post.

As we walked back home, incidentally heading up Main Street to go by the Historic Four Corners, I noticed (randomly observed) that Herkimer is repainting a lot of the crosswalks and such on the roads. I’m happy to see this. Of course, it’s only a small step towards getting cars to actually stop for pedestrians in crosswalks, but still, it’s a step in the right direction.

I thought about my blog post. I had meant to write about our walk to the post office (oh, I guess I did, in fact, write about it), but it seemed to me that nothing much was happening. I knew I could fall back on a lame post, since I had threatened to do that yesterday. I pondered some half-baked philosophy about the meaning of Friday, and did it have the same meaning when it had lost its usual meaning for half the day. For knowing the meaning of a lot of words, I often ponder the meaning of “things” without coming to any definite conclusions.

This is certainly a lame post. In my defense, I’m all hepped up about the Superhero Sprint later today. Will it be too hot for me? Will people point and laugh as I walk from my house to the starting point? Do I know where on Main Street the actual starting point is (I don’t; I thought I’d just walk up and down Main Street looking for other folks in capes)?

I guess that last paragraph can function as a preview of coming attractions. And this whole thing will have to function as today’s post. Happy Saturday, everyone.

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Second Verse, Same as the First

Posted on August 3, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

This is the second half of the post I started Thursday. I basically sat during the breaks at work and wrote whatever came to mind. That, of course, is what I usually do on Lame Post Friday.

I went through and typed in the best bits for Thursday’s post. I must say, I was having a harder time writing it than I normally do. Could it be because I was trying to do a Friday Lame Post on a Thursday? We may never know.

I’ve been reading a book about writing (I admit it: I read about writing more than I actually write): I’d Rather Be Writing by Marcia Golub (Writer’s Digest Books, Cincinnati, OH, 1999). Golub says you should schedule yourself time to write every day, say a half hour. If you sit there for a half hour and don’t write much, that’s OK. You still sit there and when your half hour is up you are free to do something else and Not Feel Guilty (yes, I had to capitalize it).

I write this because I was sitting here looking at a blank page and it was very detrimental to my self-esteem (I have a delicate self-esteem). But could sitting staring at a blank page be productive in some perverse way? Golub isn’t the only person to say this. Many writers say you have your scheduled time even if you just sit there. This is in fact my scheduled break, not my scheduled writing time. I don’t have a scheduled writing time. Perhaps that is part of my problem (I imagine there are many parts and/or I have a lot of problems).

One could argue (I don’t know who one is, but he or she is apparently capable of infinite argument) that my scheduled break time is my scheduled writing time. Well, all I can say is, perhaps it should be, because I had meant to spend my break chatting with my husband via cell phone. I had planned to write at noon.

And now it is noon (time lapse is so awkward in the written word), my regularly scheduled writing time (from now on). And I got nuthin’ but the feeling that I am trying to get away with entirely too many lame posts.

That is about as far as I got in the blog on my lunch. I would like to report, though, that the time was not wasted. I turned to a different page of my notebook and wrote a few more paragraphs on my novel. Then to two different pages yet and wrote some more dialogue on two different scenes for a murder mystery I’m writing. So maybe this schedule thing works. I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, I’m over 400 words. Respectable if lame. Happy Friday, everyone.

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