The Head-Shaped Dent.

Posted on November 3, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Here is a good way to cause trouble at work:

First you say to Minerva, “You should take that metal basket and hit Endymion over the head with it so it will make a head-shaped dent in the basket.”

If Minerva does this, you’re all set. If she does not, the next time you see Endymion, say, “Minerva said she was going to hit you over the head with that metal basket so it would make a head-shaped dent in the basket.” Then when Minerva says no, that is what YOU told her to do, say, “Would I say a thing like that?” You might have to practice your wide-eyed look of innocence, unless you are already really good at it, like I am.

If trouble has not yet ensued, you can later say to Endymion, “I lied earlier. Minerva never said she was going to make a head-shaped dent in the basket. She said she would make a basket-shaped dent in your head.”

Later on, when Pyramus takes one of the baskets, you can tell him that Minerva will probably hit him over the head with it, making either a basket-shaped or a head-shaped dent, depending. It is unlikely Minerva will deny this.

This trouble-making method will work in almost any workplace that has people named Minerva and Endymion. I don’t mention Pyramus is this paragraph, because doesn’t everybody know a Pyramus?

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Beyond Lame

Posted on November 2, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

It is a rare day when I can’t even seem to write a post about Why I Can’t Write a Post Today. Then again, it is Lame Post Friday. How lame is it to not even be able to write a lame post?

In my defense… oh, never mind my defense. It’s just more kvetching about my ill health. What in the world is the matter with me anyways? All I do is complain. Then again, the more you complain, the longer God lets you live, according to an older sister of mine.

That is pretty much what I wrote at work. Then I worked on my novel, so at to ease my guilt, and wrote a letter, because I like to write a letter. My usual method while at work is to think about my blog post while working then write it on a break. I had other things to think about today. I’m going wine tasting with the girls tomorrow. That is, the girls in my family. I could go into some half-baked philosophy about how hanging out with your family is both more and less pressure than hanging out with friends, but quite frankly, I’m afraid some of my family might read this. Probably they won’t, but you never know.

In the meantime, my headache is back, so to avoid more tiresome kvetching, I will end this post. Just barely over 200 words. I say it’ll do.

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Kind of a Time Warp

Posted on November 1, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I had intended to have all posts about Halloween movies till Halloween night. I have plenty of material to work with, thanks to TCM and the miracle of DVR. Well, I was working on it, and let me tell you, my post on The Tingler is getting scary and not in a good way.

On the brighter side, I noticed yesterday on my computer that WordPress seems to be twelve hours ahead of me. Thus yesterday, when I wrote about Cat People, was Halloween. Today I can go on to November, or as the retail world seems to think, Christmas. I was thinking I could post this silliness tomorrow on Lame Post Friday, when I realized, according to WordPress, THAT’S TODAY!

However, as I wrote the preceding earlier, before beginning my shift at work, it was (and still is as I type this) Thursday. Non-Sequitur Thursday, in fact (if you saw me trying to rearrange the paragraphs of my Tingler post using asterisks, you would agree that it is). I was and still am having an indecisive day. I had to flip a coin to decide whether to drink coffee or water as I was writing before work (drinking both was ineligible for reasons I will not go into here).

I wrote more while at work, but it was fairly tiresome. There was one parenthetical comment I rather liked, but I can’t figure out how to fit it in now. At any rate, I am over 200 words. I deem that respectable. I will continue to work on my post about The Tingler and eventually publish it, regardless of the day WordPress or the calendar say it is.

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Don’t Pooh-Pooh Your Wife!

Posted on October 31, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I continue my Halloween week posts with a horror movie that is not cheesy. I find that oddly appropriate for a Wuss-out Wednesday.

I DVR’d Cat People (1942) with high hopes. When I learned it was a low-budget, independent film, that sounded even better. When Robert Osborne said in pre-movie commentary that it was part of their series about monsters who needed a little TLC from the opposite sex, I hesitated. Then again, Bride of Frankenstein falls into that category, so I said, “Bring it.”

It turns out Cat People is one of those movies that rises above its limitations to present a scary, suspenseful story. There are no special effects to speak of, but shadow and suggestion are used with excellent results. So with my usual Spoiler Alert, let’s get started.

The story centers around the marriage between a fine young man (at least, I don’t think he’s so fine as things turn out, but that’s getting ahead of myself) and a mysterious foreign girl. The two meet in front of the panther cage at the zoo. The girl will return to this site as her life goes downhill. The zookeeper tells her the panther is evil and quotes Revelations in support of this. That rather impressed me. I know very few people who can quote from Revelations. He quotes one of the scarier passages, so that is some nice foreshadowing.

More foreshadowing happens when the young man tries to gift the girl with a cat and the cat hates her.

Pause for PSA: Don’t randomly give people pets! First make sure (a) they want a pet, (b) they are able to care for a pet, and (c) they are not cursed from some ancient foreign village thing. Back to the movie.

They trade in the cat for a bird, after every bird in the shop expresses fear and loathing of her. Fighting fate, she says she is certain the bird will love her and vice versa. No more about that bird, because you know how I hate to see an animal come to a bad end.

So the Girl tells some scary stories of the village she comes from and expresses the fear she could be cursed. When an evil-looking, vaguely feline woman greets her as “sister” at their wedding party, the Girl’s fears increase. We never see the evil-looking one again, which of course was a disappointment to me. I greatly prefer a thorough-going evil monster to a conflicted, unhappy, cursed one. Then again, I’m trying to talk about the movie I did see, not lament the one I wish I had seen.

Young Man pooh-poohs his new wife’s fears, and they are off in pursuit of wedded bliss, which naturally eludes them.

I blame the husband, and not just because I’m a girl. You should never pooh-pooh your spouse unless he or she is clearly hoping to be pooh-poohed. Young Man goes on to make a number of stupid moves regarding the attractive, all-American woman he works with, arousing his wife’s jealousies.

Things soon start to get creepy, but Young Man still insists the fears are pooh-pooh-able. He gets the Girl a psychiatrist instead of a priest or exorcist or lion-tamer or somebody.

There are a couple of really scary scenes utilizing footsteps and lighting. The body count is not high, and there are no gruesome scenes of the cat slashing away. I call that making a virtue out of necessity, because it turns out to be a pretty satisfying Halloween watch.

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Horrible History or The Humpbacked Murderer

Posted on October 30, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I’m making bold to write about another horror movie, because it is Halloween week. Steven and I watched three this past Sunday. I do love to write about horror movies. Some may protest that The Tower of London (1962) sounds more like history than horror, but I think it veers more into the horror genre.

I knew I would be in for some spurious history, because the movie is about Richard III and the princes in the tower. However, Vincent Price as a hump-backed murderer, what’s not to like?

Richard III, many historians now say, did not have a hump and did not murder his nephews in order to seize the throne. These stories were commissioned by Henry VII, who defeated Richard III and became king himself, thus proving the adage that history is written by the winners.

Full disclosure: I may have that wrong or I may be quoting some controversial revisionism. I may look up some more information on Richard III and get back to you. Right now I want to write about a horror movie.

I feel no spoiler alert is necessary, because a voice-over at the beginning tells us what is going to happen: Richard Plantagenet is going to murder people who are going to come back and haunt him. I believe at the time this picture was made everybody believed the hump-backed murderer story, so perhaps the filmmakers figured people knew that already anyways.

I, of course, know all about what “everybody knows” about Richard III, because I saw a production of the play Richard III by William Shakespeare. I kept comparing what I remember about that play to this movie, and I was a little disappointed that Richard never said, “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer…” (That’s all I remember of that speech.)

After the spoiler voice-over, the movie gets right down to business with Richard having a hunchback and looking evil. I could see where Mel Brooks got the idea for Igor’s movable hump, because Price’s prosthetic is not real consistent. Then again, my memory may be at fault and I only think the hump changed. If I watch the movie again, I’ll take hump notes (anyways, why would I not include a reference to Young Frankenstein if I thought I could get away with it?).

One of my favorite aspects of watching an old period piece like this one is the hats. I don’t know what they kept putting on Price’s head, but as far as I was concerned it didn’t do enough to cover his bowl haircut. At times I thought he looked like a Pilgrim from the neck up. Oh well, Thanksgiving is coming.

The women’s hats were more fun. One lady sported the traditional princess hat of a cone with a filmy scarf hanging from its point. Richard’s wife Anne had the best headgear. I’m not sure if the costume designers got them from paintings of the era (or within a couple hundred years; you know Hollywood) or from a deck of playing cards. Perhaps the Queen of Hearts, because in this picture, Richard truly loves his wife. She is a good wife, too, all encouraging his evil ambitions and to hell with everybody else. It’s sad what happens to her, which, spoiler alert or not, I won’t share here.

So almost right away, Richard starts murdering and almost immediately following, he starts to be haunted by the ghosts of his victims. You’d think he would repent his evil ways after the first ghost, but, no, after bouts of tremulous madness, he gets his evil mojo back and continues his blood-strewn path to the throne.

He is helped along the way by some henchman whose name I didn’t catch. I kept waiting for the henchman to turn on him or come to a bad end himself, but if it happened, I missed that part. I’m sure some people think that if I’m going to write about movies, it would behoove me to watch them with more attention. Well, I’m not apologizing, because I was roasting pumpkin seeds. It is Halloween week, after all.

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Not Up On All the Good Guy Rules

Posted on October 29, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Two weekends ago, I watched an unusual Hammer Studios film in which Christopher Lee played the good guy, The Devil’s Bride (1968).

Before I forget, Spoiler Alert! I may even give away the ending this time. Perhaps I should also include a No Cheese Alert, because although Hammer Films are quite fun to write about and I do poke fun at them, I could not say they were cheesy. The production values are too good, for one thing. The films are visually appealing. Sets and costumes reflect effort and expense. Perhaps one day I’ll do a whole post pontificating on the cheesiness inherent in the horror genre. In the meantime, back to today’s feature.

The movie opens with Lee and a friend in a carriage riding to a reunion of some sort (you know I never bother about details). They decide to stop at the house of this guy that seems to have dropped from sight. We learn that this is the son of a friend of theirs. The friend is deceased, and Lee and his companion are pledged to take care of the son, now a fine young man.

When they arrive at the young man’s house, some party is going on. An innocent-looking girl says, “Oh, I thought there were only supposed to be 13 of us.” So in case we missed the title, we are clued in. Channeling Sherlock Holmes, Lee tells his friend to listen in on the other guests’ conversations.

When Young Man is all, “So sorry I can’t ask you to stay,” Lee pipes up with, “Can I just look at your telescope quick?” and bounds up the stairs.

The weird charts on the wall and cryptic symbols on the floor are explained away as decorations. Less easily explained are the two chickens Young Man tries to keep Lee from finding.

Lee says he would rather see Young Man dead than involved with this stuff, so this could have been a really short movie, although kind of a downer. Instead, Lee punches him in the face, knocking him cold.

I have to say it again, that is perhaps the movie cliche I find most annoying which is the least true. If it was that easy to knock somebody out with a blow to the face, most boxing matches would be a lot shorter. Oh, I know some boxers do knock their opponents out with one blow, but these are professional punchers and even they can’t do it every time. It is extremely unlikely that random movie characters can accomplish it so conveniently. Rant over.

So Lee and Friend get Young Man to Lee’s house, where Lee brings him around, hypnotizes him, slips a crucifix around his neck and sends him upstairs to sleep it off.

Of course he does not stay safely asleep or, again, this would have been a shorter movie. It’s round one to Satan (or rather his henchmen), but Lee says, “At least we saved the chickens.” That may be, but he leaves them in the basket in the telescope room closet. If he was really going to save them, shouldn’t he, for example, have brought them out to the chicken coop and gotten them some feed and water? Or is that just my Be Kind to Animals obsession talking?

Lee sends his Friend off to rescue the Girl, remember, the one who thought there were only supposed to be 13. Did I mention she is suitable for Friend to fall in love with? I can’t remember where Young Man is at this point. Lee is off to the British Museum for research. My inner geek rejoices at the thought of combating evil through books, but Lee puts an awful lot of faith in somebody who just now began to believe in Satan.

That is the first of several times Lee gives his second string good guys instructions and goes off to do his own thing. You know they aren’t going to be able to handle it. Only the main good guy can ultimately triumph over evil. Then again, as we said earlier, Lee usually plays the bad guy. He’s probably not up on all the good guy rules. And here I am again, carping on the usual means employed to keep the conflict going so the movie is feature length.

And then a bunch of stuff happens.

It seems the head Satan worshipper has vast if inconsistent powers. He can remotely hypnotize people, only sometimes it doesn’t work. And like all movie bad guys and monsters, his victims follow his nefarious instructions at differing rates of speed, depending on plot requirements. One of his followers picks up the hypnotism trick, too, although to what end, I’m not sure. She hypnotizes the guy who’s trying to save her through bondage (it makes sense in the movie), but spends the rest of the scene staring out the window at a storm. Awaiting further instructions, I suppose.

I confess there was a whole lot I did not pay attention to. For example, there is an outdoor worship fest that reminded me of the KKK rally in O Brother, Where Art Thou? I busied myself in the kitchen when I saw a goat and feared it would come to a bad end (there I go again with the Be Kind to Animals).

There is a little girl who is a pretty good actress, not too cute, not too bratty. Of course she is placed in grave danger. I blame Lee. He has the grown-ups (of the non-servant variety) upstairs in the middle of a fancy chalk circle with salt and holy water and whatnot. The kid is in bed being watched over by some old butler or caretaker. Not even a crucifix. Hello! What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t need a spoiler alert to tell you the movie ends with Satan’s followers vanquished (I’m sure the big buy survives to fight another day). Young Man says, “Thank God,” to which Lee piously agrees. You know, apart from the crucifix, there is very little reference to God. Shouldn’t He be the first one you call when you are fighting Satan? I’m just saying.

However, movies are more into the props and, as I mentioned earlier, maintaining the conflict to feature length. Speaking of length, this is getting to be one of my longer posts, so I’ll save the philosophical discussion for Lame Post Friday.

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I Declare a Day Off

Posted on October 28, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I was all apologetic about, what was is? five foolish posts last week. And here I am NOT writing a real post today. And I don’t care!

It is not Wrist to Forehead Sunday. I am actually having a pretty good day. I went running this morning and took Tabby for a walk (in addition to our usual cool-down)(yes, both potentially bloggable activities). I did the dishes (not so bloggable, but in a pinch…). I am cooking potato soup (definitely bloggable; I invented the recipe). Oh, and I watched not one but two cheesy movies yesterday. My possibilities are endless!

And I say to hell with it! I’m taking another day off! Just because I want to! And I’ll use just as many exclamation points as I feel like!

So go ahead, shake your finger at me or point and laugh, according to your inclination. I’m going back to stirring my soup and enjoying my day. I hope you are enjoying yours as well.

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It’s Running Commentary Again!

Posted on October 27, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I started running again two weeks ago, in Vermont, then I didn’t feel so good all week. My ill health culminated in a severe headache on Saturday (perhaps you heard me kvetching about it; everybody else did), and I didn’t feel so hot all this week.

Anybody still reading? I hope so, because this is NOT a post to kvetch about feeling bad again, because I feel TERRIFIC! I went running this morning! I’m going to do a blog post about it!

My day started about 3:30 this morning, because my husband Steven had to work at 6:30 (he needs plenty of lead time). I thought it would be good to wait till the sun was up to hit the pavement. However, I didn’t want to wait too long and talk myself out of it (I can be very persuasive).

I had already walked to the post office with Tabby about 6:30, when it was still dark out. It had been surprisingly warm, but I know the temperature sometimes drops when the sun comes up (go figure) (I’m doing a lot of parentheticals today, aren’t I?)(my computer is telling me “parentheticals” is not a word). I had on some spandex leggings under my skirt (much more comfortable than pantyhose). I thought they would be suitable for a run. I sought out a long-sleeved ARMY t-shirt, which has a big reflective symbol on the back. Safety first! I knew where my toque was, because I’ve been wearing it to work. I was ready!

The sun was up, but cloud cover made everything grey and gloomy, my favorite kind of day. Right away, I saw my friend Pudge the pug with his person.

“Hi there! I haven’t seen you guys in a while!” As usual, Pudge was too wiggly to pet easily, but I tried, while remarking on what a good dog he is. His guy remarked that it was cool out, to which I agreed, and we went our separate ways.

Ah, it felt good to run, which surprised me, because I haven’t done anything but walk with Tabby all week. Still, I guess the walking helped, because I could rock this! I admired some trees still full of colored leaves as I ran down German Street. I decided to go up the hill by Valley Health, just so I could get a nice view of the mountain in the distance as I came down the other side.

Some rays of sun peeked through the clouds at Valley Health, just high enough to hit trees on the top of that hill. The rising sun seems to give a more intense light than when the sun is high in the sky. Perhaps it is the angle. Or perhaps this morning’s cloud cover made it seem that way. Or perhaps I’m full of beans right down the line. In any case, I enjoyed the view.

I enjoyed being at the top of that small hill, especially knowing I probably was not going to run any other hills. The view down to the mountains on the other side of town was disappointing, I suppose because the sun was pointing in the opposite direction. Silly me.

My I Can Rock This euphoria did not last. However, by that time, I was more than half-way through how long I wanted to run. It was no problem to keep going. I admired Halloween decorations on many houses. I noticed one porch, however, that was completely bare. This porch had previously been crowded with bicycles and toys. I wondered if the people living there had moved. Or perhaps the children had abruptly grown up. I interrupted my speculations to admire a particularly cute witch on another porch.

Exciting my admiration even more are the spider webs. I didn’t put up any spider webs this year, but when I do, they end up all clumpy and bunchy. I saw many porches with webs spread smoothly and evenly, some boasting spiders, some dried leaves. Had the leaves just blown there or been artistically placed? They looked cool.

Tabby graciously walked my cool down with me, and I felt pretty damn pleased with myself. I felt even better later when we walked to the post office (again) and the bank. Let’s hear it for exercise! Now if I could only work up the ambition to clean this house…

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Curse You, Christopher Lee!

Posted on October 26, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I wrote that headline in the midst of writing this post, and I like it so much I’m going to use it, even though it is not really indicative of the post as a whole. Let’s just say we’re having a non-sequitur moment.

Well, here I am on Lame Post Friday, perched on a stool in my kitchen, writing in a notebook (the spiral-bound paper kind, not a computer) while onions cook and garlic breathes.

While at work today (on breaks, as you know), I worked on my novel and on a blog post which is becoming increasingly unwieldy. It is about a Christopher Lee horror movie. I do love writing about movies, but I always seem to have so much to say. I’ve been working on this one all week. I keep turning a page to work on something else, then going back to the post and leap-frogging to the next clean page. I’m getting a little confused.

And a little embarrassed. Earlier this week, I wrote about how I could not write a particular post, then went back the next day and wrote that post. Now it seems I am doing the same thing with Christopher Lee.

Oh well, these are the choices I make. I like to post every day and only seem able to accomplish this end with an increasing number of very foolish posts. As always, I strive for improvement. This week I believe I had… (counting in my head; too impatient to actually go back and check) five out of six foolish posts so far. What a wretched record! I have no place to go but up.

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I Didn’t Even Mention the Fog

Posted on October 25, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

It cannot be denied that I am of a perverse disposition. I love bad weather. I drove to work this morning with the words, “I LOVE winter!” ringing in my head. It made me laugh, as did the weather itself, but I believe the sentiment has a legitimate basis.

Recently I came across the phrase, “the more sunshine, the less gumption.” I think it is true and not just a rationalization for those of us who live in a less salubrious climate (but don’t knock rationalization — oh, I’m sure I’ve covered that before). Winter is a challenge. And it can add interest to your morning.

Take this morning, for example. It is the first taste of winter in the Mohawk Valley, with snow in parts and cold temperatures for all. The newscasters on WKTV remarked that they had to scrape their cars. Well, they obviously go to work much earlier than I do. I was sure I would be fine.

When I got out to my vehicle… not so much. I wasn’t too worried, because I always leave extra early (so as to have time to write my blog post, among other reasons), but I could not find a scraper in my Trailblazer. I turned the defrost on full blast and went into the house.

“Scraper!” I called to Steven. “Where is a scraper?”

“In my car!” He grabbed his keys, which just goes to show what a nice husband he is. I could have gone to his car and found the scraper myself, leaving him to enjoy the warm house for as long as possible. I got my toque, which I had forgotten to put on earlier. Bonus!

The scraper was the one we inherited from my grandmother. It has a fur envelope around the handle. Another bonus.

In this short time the defrost had done its work. Not much scraping was required. I kept the scraper in my vehicle, thinking (a) Steven would probably not need one by the time he left for work and (b) he had time to find another one anyways.

So I drove to work feeling absurdly pleased about things. At work I asked my co-worker if she would like motivation to punch me in the face, then told her I like this weather. Luckily for me, she only indulged in a fake punch.

I indulged in a few choruses of “I Got My Love to Keep Me Warm,” and sat down to write my blog post (which you are reading).

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