Category Archives: humor

If You Like the Psycho-Biddy Genre

Posted on July 24, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Spoiler Alert! I’m going to give away practically everything for the following movie, because I want to comment on what happens.

I wasn’t going to write about this one at all, because I ended up disliking it so much. However, I mustn’t be selfish. Some of my readers like to read my movie write-ups. And I think many of them particularly like the psycho-biddy genre.

When I saw Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice? (1969) on the schedule for TCM, I immediately set it to DVR. We subsequently discovered (but were not surprised, considering the title) that it was produced by Robert Aldrich, the man behind Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte (original title Whatever Happened to Cousin Charlotte?).

Aunt Alice stars Geraldine Page and Ruth Gordon. What a pedigree! How could we go wrong?

A better question is how could the script writers go so wrong? The movie opens promisingly enough with a funeral and Geraldine Page all set to be a merry widow. The next scene reveals to her and us that in fact she is left penniless. On to the murders!

The move wastes no time in getting to the murders. On must give them that. My problem is they don’t really explain what’s going on. I know from the description the lady kills her maids for their money and uses their bodies to fertilize her garden, but if that had not been the description, I think I would have gotten a little confused.

Another minor caveat, she’s not exactly fertilizing a garden. She gets her gardener to dig a big, deep hole, gets the maid into the hole and kills her, then plants a big old pine tree on top of the body. That old lady planting a big old pine tree (not a sapling, like a normal murderer would plant) is one of the most unbelievable parts in the picture.

Probably the most unbelievable part is how she gets the maids to work for her in the first place. According to this movie, there are plenty of lonely old ladies with large bank accounts willing to work for chicken scratch. Oh, and who are prepared to work for a raging virago. Seriously, Page is so mean I can’t believe she can get anybody to work for her.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Page was still killing the first maid. In general I have no problem with a thriller that gets right down to the killing. In this case, however, I could have used a scene where she gets the idea to kill the maid for the money. For one thing, they could have explained how the maid got so much money in the first place.

So there Page is, living in Arizona (also never explained) (at least I don’t think she started out in Arizona). At this point I usually make a little self-deprecating remark about how I ought to pay more attention to these things. I’m not sure it would have done any good.

Before Page offs the second maid (that we see; there were others in between), we see a little more of her method. Apparently she dangles her highly profitable stock market investments till the maid invests her own life savings. Without meeting the magic broker or signing any kind of contract. Well, I guess that’s not so far-fetched. People make a lot of stupid mistakes when they think they will get a large return.

Soon another tree is planted and Page is looking for another maid (we suspect now there have been other murders judging by the row of pine trees) (and can I just say, who plants pine trees in the desert, for heavens’ sake?). Enter Ruth Gordon, and we see some more of our killer’s evil method.

“I won’t pay you much,” she says smoothly, as if this were a minor glitch, like not having a vacuum cleaner. “So you won’t be able to save much.”

For God’s sake, who does that? Who makes it a job requirement that the employee have savings because the job pays crap? And who takes a job under those circumstances? Working, I remind you, for a mean, nasty old lady who treats you like dirt?

Then there’s this random beautiful chick who moves into the cabin next door with her nephew. This is a set-up right out of a romance novel: she’s a grieving widow and the nephew has really bad asthma, so the family sends them both to Arizona to heal their respective wounds. Only, of course, she’s not the main character and there’s no Mr. Rochester-type brooding mysterious guy for her to be suspicious of slash fall in love with (yes, you need to say “slash”). What a waste of a perfectly good set up!

She does get a love interest, by the way. It seems both our biddies have nephews. Page’s is married but I doubt that would stop him if Widow were having any of it. She’s not. She has some history with Gordon’s nephew, yet another thing not very well explained. It figures hugely into the plot, however, when they’re off canoodling while Gordon could REALLY use her nephew’s help.

I haven’t even gotten to the dog yet! Beautiful Widow and Asthmatic Boy (yes, it’s her nephew, but I think there are entirely too many nephews in this movie) adopt a stray dog. Of course anybody watching this sort of movie is immediately apprehensive on the dog’s behalf (unless you are an animal hater, in which case, stop reading now, we have nothing to say to each other).

Page is obviously (and not surprisingly) a dog hater. She is additionally concerned that the dog will dig up her handiwork, but come on! Each maid is six feet under with a pine tree planted on top. No mutt is going to dig that shit up without a backhoe.

I had a lot of other problems with this movie, but I think my post is running a bit long. Which, by the way, the movie did, too. I suppose it was entertaining, because I did watch it through to the end, but I didn’t like it. Still, if you like the psycho-biddy genre, it might be worth your time.

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Memory of Past Upsets

Posted on July 23, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was not going to write a Middle-aged Musings Monday this week. Then in going through my notebook looking for a blank back of a page, I came across something I wrote some months ago. I was upset (never mind about what) and could not write. As I often do, I wrote about how I could not write. It was not a usable post (some of my more sarcastic readers are shuddering at the thought there there is some stuff worse than what I actually publish) (you know who you are), except for a couple of paragraphs I share with you now:

Writing this out is not helping. That has almost always been the case for me. Some people swear by writing when they are upset. They get it all out of their system and feel better. I do not experience this effect. When I write about what is upsetting me, I usually get more upset. I see how completely justified I am in being upset. I wonder why I am not more upset. I marvel at my self-restraint in not killing the people that are making me upset.

One might think this is because I was such a persuasive writer. However, in my adolescent past, when I was ill-advised enough to show what I had written to the culprits causing the upset, it did not bring them to acknowledge the error of their ways. They actually refused to see the irrefutable logic of my position. Their self-delusion appalled me.

I rather liked those last two paragraphs. Then again, perhaps my self-delusion is not appalling others. No matter. It’s Monday. I deem that a short, silly post is acceptable. If anyone disagrees, well, that might upset me. But I probably won’t write a post about how upset I am.

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Cutting the Wine Post Short

Posted on July 22, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I don’t like waiting till after 4 p.m. to write my Sunday blog post. It just encourages me to have another Wrist to Forehead Sunday.

The weekend almost started on Thursday with a wine tasting at Ilion Wine and Spirits. They normally have their tastings on a Friday, but they moved this one to Thursday because the Doo-Dah Parade was on Friday (love that name for a parade).

Steven and I showed up shortly after it began at five. A group of girls had already started sampling, but they made room for us.

I started with a KWV Sauvignon Blanc 2011 from South Africa, which I pronounced Yummy. Oh yeah, for anyone who’s never read one of my postings on wine, I’m not exactly sophisticated in this area. “Yummy” is my ultimate accolade.

Ilion Wine and Spirits always provides a sheet of tasting notes. I suppose if I wanted to sound more better I could crib from that, but that is hardly an act of integrity. The guy there said he just copied what he found on the internet.

The other white I liked was Purato Catarratto Pinot Grigio 2011 from Italy. The notes called it “slightly spitzy.” The guy said it was made from organic grapes. I pronounced it also yummy, but the first one was maybe a little more yummy.

The Rapido Red Sangiovese 2011 (Italy) was described as a “medium-bodied everyday drinking red,” and I thought that apt. You wouldn’t have to be in any particular mood for a wine like that. The other red I liked, Michael David Winery 7 Deadly Zins Zinfandel 2010 (California), was one you did have to be in the mood for. Actually, I guess it’s a mood I often have, because my remark was, “Oh, yeah.” It was a heavier, more robust wine.

Well, I see I have managed to eke out over 250 words on these wines, but I must admit I am kind of having a Wrist to Forehead Sunday. I enjoyed the wine tasting, I’m just not enjoying writing about it. Rather than segue into my usual angst about not being as able to write as I like to be, I’ll sign off. I hope to see you on Monday.

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I Didn’t Wait Till Fall

Posted on July 20, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

So when I got out of bed this morning, knowing that I should run but that I did not want to, I heard thunder and said, “I’m off the hook!”

Halfway through my second cup of coffee I realized it had not thundered again, and I had no excuse. I hadn’t run in at least a week and was feeling rather bad about it. On the other hand, I have a fairly athletic cousin who does NOT run in the summer time, too hot. Couldn’t I follow his example and bag it till fall? Oh, how good would that feel, wait till the temperature cools off and the humidity is gone. Fall, my favorite season. I could start running again in the fall.

Yesterday was the last day of the hideous heat wave, according to certain weather reports. Today should be better, tomorrow better yet. Last night, in fact, brought some cooler temperatures. The fan in my window was not merely pushing around hot air. Phew! Still, it’s not fall. I could wait till fall.

However, as I sat playing solitaire and finishing my coffee, I started to sweat from the humidity. Now I wanted a shower. Well, I showered after four o’clock yesterday afternoon. If I was going to shower again this morning, I had better work up a better sweat than from just playing cards. I got on the running gear.

The temperature was a little better than expected. I had been afraid that waiting till after seven as I had, it might be getting hot already. I was soon feeling the effects of the humidity, though. Ugh. Well, one thing I know is how to persevere.

I struck out down German Street, my goal being the hill at Valley Health. A good enough hill after taking time off. I crossed the street, to avoid what I recalled as some egregious mud further down.

As I ran, I reflected that I had been telling myself I “should” run. Obviously that was silly of me. I’ve spoken about that before: as soon as you think you should do something, it is the last thing you want to do! I thought to myself, “I knew it was a good idea to go running.” In fact, I had said no such thing to myself earlier, and that no doubt explained my reluctance to wriggle into the sports bras. Now that I was out and doing it, I reflected that it was a good idea, and I was happy.

Then I saw some mud even more egregious than what I had crossed the street to avoid. After being really annoyed with myself for forgetting this stretch (after all, I knew that was where the flood had done some pretty extensive damage), I went out in the road to avoid it.

And realized I was NOT on the left side facing traffic. OH NO! That is one of my pet soap boxes. I bitch all the time about people walking and running in the road (often when there is a perfectly respectable sidewalk) in the same direction as cars, sometimes two or three abreast. Grrr! At least there was only one of me and not much traffic. Cross the street to maintain my integrity? Oh, it was less than half a block. I picked up the pace and got back on the sidewalk as soon as I could.

I’d been running a little over ten minutes when I remembered, I like to run. I was coated with sweat in an uncomfortable fashion and I was not running very fast, but dammit, I liked it! Who saw that coming? Not me!

I continued through the streets of Herkimer, feeling pretty good about myself. I almost slipped in some mud and landed on my butt, but avoided that disaster. I took short shuffly steps through the mud after that. Soon I came to a stretch of bare sidewalk and lengthened my pace.

Oh, I was going great! I achieved that loping stride the young folks seem to do with no effort. At least, in my head it was that stride. In reality it was probably only a little longer and faster than my usual middle-aged shuffle. But I enjoyed it.

I ended up running the same length of time as the last time I ran. Incidentally, it was over two weeks ago; I looked it up when I got back home. Tabby graciously walked my cool-down with me. As we walked, the most delicious cool breeze blew in my face. What a great start to my Saturday!

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Keeping It Lame

Posted on July 20, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

There are times when one certainly appreciates Lame Post Friday (one is me in this case). However, one must also admit (still me) that even on Lame Post Friday, one must write something.

One might think I had thoroughly hashed out the subject of How Stupid of a Post Still Counts as a Post (one is not me in this case). One might be right. On the other hand, I’m betting most of my readers don’t read every single post (but God bless you if you do!). On a third hand (using my foot as a hand?), perhaps I can think of something new to say.

Well, I think I did. Using a foot as a hand is not a silly joke I have made before. Perhaps some did not find it a particularly funny joke, but at least it had the charm of originality.

Oh, here’s some half-baked philosophy: what can you say when originality masquerades as talent? Another question: just because something has never been done before is that sufficient reason to do it?

I’m thinking right now of some current and recent movies (like in the last few years). Some movie makers are known for “pushing the envelope” (I might research where that expression came from for another post. I mean, what envelope? Just saying). Torture porn falls under this category, as do ultra violent films. I’m not saying none of these films have artistic merit (I don’t watch many movies from this century). I’m asking, does their entire merit consist in the fact that they have done something that has never been done before? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Well, that was a totally wimp out discussion. You may have noticed I did not mention any specific movies or in fact make a strong stance on the issue. I just brought up the question.

In my defense, the heat wave in the Mohawk Valley continues, and neither my place of employment nor my residence boast air conditioning. And anyone who is rolling their eyes and forming the words, “You think you’ve got it bad” or “I don’t want to hear it,” just give it a rest. My brain has been baked, steamed, boiled and stewed for five days now. This is all I got.

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Where’s Bill Murray When You Need Him?

Posted on July 18, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

OK, so I started to write a post this morning about how hot it is. I knew I had set a precedent for such a subject about a year ago with a post titled “I’m Me-elting” (I know how to make a ping-back to that, but I’m not sure it’s really worth a click) (although I did kind of like the last paragraph).

From that last parenthetical comment you see that I looked up the post. I had, in fact, just about decided not to use what I had written this morning but instead to make it a kind of a cooking post, telling about what I threw together for supper just now. Then I thought, oh what the hell, I’ll look at “I’m Me-elting” first, just to see what I said.

Well, I hadn’t said much about the heat but immediately went into a kind of a cooking post.

What is this, Groundhog Day?

So I’m going back to Plan A and write about the heat, making this another Wuss-Out Wednesday.

This year’s heat wave started just as I was dealing with my flooding woes (I’ll say it again: not as bad as some people’s, but bad enough to upset me!). I said to a friend at work, “I remember last year when the worst thing I had to deal with was how hot it was. Boy, those were the days!”

I thought about that for a minute then said, “Oh dear, do you suppose something worse is going to happen next year, so I’ll say, ‘Last year all I had to deal with was heat and a flooded basement. Boy, those were the days!'”

I live in fear.

Just kidding. I admit to sometimes trying to peer around that figurative bend in the road, to see what stupid thing is going to happen next. But that gets into half-baked philosophy, more suitable for Lame Post Friday. And I just thought of a silly headline that really makes today kind of like Non-Sequitur Thursday.

Incidentally, I thawed some shrimp, made cocktail sauce and cooked broccoli in the microwave. And served some black olives which happened to be in the refrigerator, by way of garnish. I include this information in case anybody is saying, “Gee, I wish she would have done the cooking post.”

I bet nobody was.

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Help from the Belly Up

Posted on July 17, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I realized I had neglected to write about a Mohawk Valley adventure Steven and I had the Saturday before last. We went to the Belly Up Pub in Herkimer, NY for their Summer Saturday, which on July 6 was also a fundraiser for victims of the recent flooding in the Mohawk Valley.

We went to a previous Summer Saturday and enjoyed it very much (perhaps you read my blog post about it). We may not have attended another that Saturday, what with our own flooded basement blues, but we felt we should support the cause. Also, blues notwithstanding (or maybe because of the blues), I thought it would benefit me to get out of the house for the evening.

We stopped for dinner first at Crazy Otto’s Empire Diner, handily located just a few doors down. After filling up on burgers and homemade chips (or is that a misnomer: homemade in a restaurant?) we repaired to the Belly Up.

It was early enough to easily find a table inside (tall bar tables such as I love). We figured we could go outside for dancing later if we decided to. For the moment, the air conditioning felt good.

It continued to feel good, and we ended up not going outside at all. DJ Big Poppa was spinning tunes. We enjoyed his selections. Our friends Phyllis and Jim joined us, and we had a fine time visiting and making silly jokes (two of my favorite pastimes). At one point we saw somebody setting up a camera.

“And me having a bad hair day,” I lamented. This, of course, was another silly joke. I have only one kind of hair day since my St. Baldrick’s Day adventure in June. It’s actually now about a half inch long (haven’t measured). I think it looks cute, although I may be flattering myself.

I didn’t pay too much attention to the camera after that, but I guess they did interview somebody. A fellow I work with saw it on the news and said Phyllis and I were in the background. I knew there was a reason I should watch my local news on Sunday.

We later learned the evening raised over $1,800, to be donated to the United Way CNY Flood Recovery Fund. This is especially good news, as it seems FEMA is not going to come through with help for individuals. In light of that, I’m wondering if we will see fundraisers in other venues. Way to set the example, Belly Up Pub!

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Not Beaten, But Not Upbeat

Posted on July 16, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

My spell of bad writing days continues.

I was not able to write my post while at work today. I don’t feel able to write it now, either. I know other bloggers seem to like my silly posts about Why I Can’t Write a Post, but all I can think right now is, “My mother is going to read this!”

Ooh, didn’t that sound like I was going to write something racy? Sorry to disappoint (you know who you are).

The thing is, I bill this as a positive blog — “totally fun,” it says at the top. But one cannot be upbeat at all times. At least, I suppose one could, but not this one. And I bet the one that could gets on most people’s nerves. (Should I have put that last sentence in parentheses?)

I have not yet dried out from the flooding experienced recently by the Mohawk Valley. Of course I have a lot to be thankful for. I lost far less than others. I had help from family and friends. My basement is now in the process of drying out completely. My husband and I are in the process of cleaning out the mildew (yuck!). The hot water heater is on the way to being replaced, at which time the gas can be turned back on (warm showers and cooking on the stove! Woohoo!) (Ooh, that’s another thing to be thankful for: the electricity never got turned off).

It is, in fact, good weather to appreciate a cold shower. And who wants to heat up the kitchen by cooking on the stove anyways? I haven’t washed a pot or pan in two weeks!

Am I beginning to sound like the annoying one who is upbeat at all times? I didn’t think so, but it is good to check these things.

So I guess this is my Monday Middle-aged Musing for the week. I am well aware of many things I can be thankful for. Sometimes this knowledge does not bring about a corresponding rise in spirits. In other words, sometimes you just have to feel that way till you don’t feel that way any more.

And I hope tomorrow I will feel more like writing.

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The Bluebeard Blues

Posted on July 15, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Some time ago I was unable to complete a blog post about a cheesy movie, although I managed as usual to write something about how I couldn’t write anything (funny how that works). Today I shall try again.

Oh, yeah, usual Spoiler Alert.

I decided to take a break from my flooding woes with a movie from “50 Horror Classics,” the DVD collection I purportedly bought for Steven on his last birthday (I say purportedly, because I’m the one that watches them) (and because I like the word “purportedly”).

I chose Bluebeard (1944) starring John Carradine. I seemed to remember that Carradine was Kung Fu on a TV series years later, but I never used to watch that show, so I could not be sure (later my husband Steven told me it was David Carradine. I guess there were a few of those Carradines).

Leonard Maltin says this is a “surprisingly effective story” (Leonard Maltin’s 2013 Movie Guide, Signet, 2012). I’m surprised he thinks so, although I often disagree with Maltin.

The action takes place in Paris, I forget what year (if they ever said so), but the ladies are in long dresses and big hats. Some unknown murderer is strangling ladies and dropping them in the Seine. At least, since it is Paris, I thought it must be the Seine. I kind of shy away from the water scenes after my recent flooding experiences (that’s in addition to my usual not paying too much attention).

Nobody wants anybody to walk home alone. Some girls leaving work impatiently await their co-worker. She sidles out and tells them they needn’t have waited. She is blonde and obviously “the sexy one,” so I accordingly waited for her to make trouble, perhaps leaving that sweet, innocent-looking brunette to be the heroine.

Sweet Brunette introduces her friends to this puppeteer they meet while walking safely home. He hasn’t been giving many puppet shows lately, because of people not wanting to stay out so late, what with the murderer in all. The girls talk him into it, leading to a rather long scene with no action except for these puppets singing opera.

It turns out Sexy Blonde, not Sweet Brunette, is the heroine, but she stops acting so Mae-West-y about the time the puppeteer/murderer asks her to make some costumes for his puppets. Um, you knew as soon as I mentioned the puppeteer he was going to turn out to be the murderer, didn’t you? Oh well, that’s why I include a spoiler alert.

It seems this guy is also a painter. He paints a lady, then kills her. I gather he dates his assistant, dumps her when he goes to paint another lady, then comes back to the assistant after he’s strangled the lady he painted. I found it a little convoluted, but I guess I’m easily confused.

Maltin says the killer “falls for smart girl… who senses something is wrong.” Oh well, I suppose she is smart enough, but she’s no intrepid girl reporter. I’ll be perfectly honest, I was not paying a great deal of attention by this time and I don’t remember much. This whole review is written from my notes in the TV Journal and the blurb in Leonard Maltin.

I must say I think my posts about not being able to write about this movie were more effective than my actual post about the movie. However, since it is Wrist to Forehead Sunday, I make bold to hit publish. Wait till you read about the next cheesy horror movie I watched.

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I Am Never Going to Get to that Murderer

Posted on July 14, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I tried, just now, to finish the post I was writing about the movie concerning the murderer dropping his victims in the Seine. I wrote a whole post about how I got hung up on it last weekend. I thought sure when I got back to it, I would breeze through it.

Not so much.

I think the problem is I got hung up on the Seine before I had written as much as I thought I had. And what I had written was, well, really not as good as I had hoped. What’s a blogger to do?

My original plan, in fact, was not to write about movies today at all. I wanted to do a Saturday Running Commentary. Then I decided not to run. I took my schnoodle Tabby for a walk instead. A pedestrian post, perhaps?

It was a pleasant walk, before the day got too hot and humid. It was, unfortunately, quite uneventful.

The reason I decided not to run was that I was recruiting my energies to clean my house. We plan major basement cleaning (the site of the flooding I’ve been kvetching about for two weeks now) after Steven gets home. My self-imposed assignment while he worked was to clean as much of the house above ground level as I could get to.

Well, I’ve done a cleaning post before. I don’t know that it makes for that great a post, but it adds interest to the actual cleaning. When you are mentally searching for words to describe cleaning a toilet while you are actually cleaning said toilet, it somehow becomes just a little less burdensome to clean the toilet.

There is also the thought that one could wait till later to make the blog post. One could think of more things to write about the movie. One could watch a different movie. One could have further Mohawk Valley adventures that would be more worth the writing about.

One, of course, being me.

But I want to get this done now, so here it is. Call it Wrist to Forehead Saturday, call it another Blogger’s Day off, call it Yet Another Post About Why I Haven’t Written a Post. In fact, under the circumstances, you can even call me late for dinner. Ooh, maybe that should have been the headline.

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