Category Archives: humor

Lame Grammar

Posted on January 7, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

This morning a guy reporting on sports said a team “could not rest on their previous laurels.” The expression is “rest on one’s laurels” and does not include the word “previous.” A laurel in this context is something you did well and were lauded for. All laurels, therefore, are previous. It is redundant to say so.

Welcome to Lame Post Friday. The only thing I can come up with today is certain things people say that bother me. I thought it might make a fun read, and it will certainly do me good to get some things off my chest.

One of my biggest peeves: Very unique. Nothing is very unique. It is unique or it is not unique. Unique does not mean the same thing as unusual. Something can be very unusual or even the most unusual. Unique means there is one. You can’t be the very only one. I know some people use the word “onliest,” but it is not really a word.

Unique even sounds better without the very. There is an ad for the Bank of Utica on television in which a man asserts, “Utica is unique.” I believe him. Actually, now that I think of it, the word “very” does not help in a lot of circumstances. Just find a better adjective.

Here’s another peeve: “different than.” The correct usage is “different from.” “Than” is for quantifiable comparisons: A is bigger than B. You can measure it. Different is qualitative, which is different from quantitative (see what I did just then?).

How about using “myself” when you mean “me.” “The committee consists of Harold, Caroline and myself.” People seem to think it sounds more formal, but it’s wrong.

I could go on to talk about there, their and they’re, or it’s vs its. However, those are only a problem in the written word. Today I’m being bothered by the spoken word. Perhaps on a future Lame Post Friday I shall tackle the written word. Actually, these days it’s usually typed, and that opens up a vista of initials, abbreviations etc. that make my head ACHE. Ah, something to look forward to. Happy Friday, everybody.

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Grate Potatoes on New Year’s Eve

Posted on January 6, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I made potato pancakes for New Year’s Eve. I read that potato pancakes and latkes are the exact same thing, but I have always called them potato pancakes and will continue to do so.

I grated the potatoes mid-afternoon, so they would have plenty of time to drain. I put a colander in a big pot and brought the potatoes into the living room so I could continue to watch a movie while I grated. Normally I do my cooking chores in the kitchen. However, the first time I ever made potato pancakes, I grated the potatoes while watching Psycho with Steven. We were just dating at the time. It was romantic. Since then, I like to grate potatoes in front of the television. Saturday it was The Blair Witch Project, in case anyone is wondering. I do like to watch Halloween movies all year long.

I grated three large-ish potatoes and half a yellow onion. It is good to let the potatoes set for at least a couple of hours to let some of the potato juice drain off. When I was ready to start frying, I emptied the shredded potato and onion into a bowl, added an egg and some flour, then kept stirring it and adding flour till I liked the consistency. I thought about adding garlic but decided for once to cook without.

It was at this point I realized my cast iron frying pan was dirty. I bought this frying pan for $8.99 at Whites Hardware in Potsdam, NY in the late ’80s. I use it all the time and not to hit people with. Come to think of it, I could do a whole other blog post about what I had cooked in the pan that it was dirty from. Perhaps another day.

Anyways, I scrubbed the pan and fried the pancakes. I used canola cooking spray instead of actual oil, dropped the pancakes on by the spoonful, flattened them with a spatula, flipped them a couple of times and declared them done when I liked the way they looked. We put sour cream on them, which we had remembered to purchase. We had forgotten to purchase applesauce, so had to do without.

Steven and I discussed homemade applesauce, which his mother used to make and my mother made at least once and a niece of his made in a crock pot recently. It was nice to talk about but hardly practical for my New Year’s Eve menu. Perhaps at some future date. That would probably make a good blog post, especially if I used Mohawk Valley apples. I’ll have to check out area orchards. Stay tuned.

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New Year’s Movies

Posted on January 5, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought it was time to stop writing posts about Christmas, but nobody said anything about New Year’s.

It would be nice to report that I did something really exciting, maybe involving a noted Mohawk Valley landmark or establishment. Alas, no. My husband had to work New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, so we planned a quiet evening at home. Left to my own devices during the day of New Year’s Eve, I did not do much but take the dog for a couple of walks. They were long walks and we enjoyed them, but nothing of particular note happened.

When Steven got home, we commenced the movie watching portion of the evening, usually our favorite part. We watched two New Year’s Eve movies: Sunset Boulevard and Mystery of the Wax Museum.

A note about how I categorize movies might be in order here. I call a movie a Christmas movie if the movie takes place on Christmas (Die Hard), has a scene or two during Christmas (LA Confidential), or even mentions Christmas (Almost Famous). The same rule applies for New Year’s. Also, since many of our New Year’s Eves have been spent watching movies, I have designated a few other movies New Year’s Movies, just for the sake of argument. Sunset Boulevard and Mystery of the Wax Museum are in the former category. In case anyone wants to know, the latter category includes Murder By Death, Sleepy Hollow (also known in our house as The Headless Everybody), and any Marx Brothers movie.

Sunset Boulevard is a delightful piece of Gothic art. Not a love letter to Hollywood, not exactly a poison pen letter… I’ll call it a love/hate letter. Gloria Swanson is wonderful as an aging silent film star who cannot accept the passage of time. Swanson was, of course, a silent film star, but from anything I’ve read about her, she aged gracefully, vibrantly and with an eye always on what she would do next. A pivotal event happens on New Year’s Eve. William Holden attends two very different parties: an elegant, surreal soiree for two, and a crowded, boisterous gathering of young folks. I can’t quite decide which I’d rather be at (not that anybody’s invited me to either kind, so I’m not too worried about it).

Mystery of the Wax Museum stars Fay Wray of King Kong fame. She gets to play a girl with a lot more character and spunk this time out. The movie opens New Year’s Eve 1933 and Wray’s job as a reporter is on the line if she can’t bring in a story. While chasing the story of a stolen corpse, Wray stumbles upon greater crime and terror. The movie was remade as House of Wax with Vincent Price in 1953, but without the Wray character and with no New Year’s connection.

After the movies, we peeked at the World’s Dumbest marathon on TruTV, then went to bed shortly after our midnight smooch. And now it’s 2012, and I have a whole year ahead of me for Mohawk Valley adventures.

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One More Post About Christmas

Posted on January 4, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I hate to see the Christmas season end. I tried to stretch it out a little by playing Christmas music on Monday, and I was glad to hear a few songs I had not heard yet this season.

One was on a mix tape I happened to have in my truck (see previous post about how I like happy, peppy tunes, not ballady, emotional ones): The Count from Sesame Street singing “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” (or is it just “All I Want for Christmas”? But that opens up worlds of possibilities).

I’m not a huge fan of that song in general. I find the usual version, with the whiny kid whistling on every “th” and “s” sound, to be really annoying. The lyrics are fairly moronic, too. “Seems so long since I could say/Sister Susie sitting on a thistle.” OK, even assuming you have a sister named Susie, how often do you really have occasion to mention that she is sitting on a thistle? Even assuming she tends to do that sort of thing. I’m thinking it’s not usual. Oh, and he’d be so happy if he could only whistle. He makes a whistling noise every “s” he sings! How much damn whistling does he intend to do? I bet the kid in that song lost his two front teeth because somebody punched him in the face. Which just goes to prove that violence is not the answer.

Having said all that (I do go on, don’t I?), I like the Count’s version. For one thing, I love the Count. He’s fun, he’s a vampire, and he brings thunder and lightning wherever he goes. What’s not to like? His version of the song has an Eastern European swing to it. He even says at one point, “We love to dance in Transylvania!”

I would like to see a TV Christmas Special of the Count. They could call it “Christmas in Transylvania.” Maybe in 2012. In the meantime, I’ll pack away my Christmas music with a wistful smile and look for something else to blog about tomorrow.

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Fun Breakfast

Posted on January 3, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Friday morning after a not too awful doctor’s appointment, Steven and I treated ourselves to breakfast at the Farm House Restaurant, 2 Central Plaza, Ilion.

The restaurant is in a tiny building. We have noticed it on many occasions and were frankly quite fascinated that it could house a whole restaurant. I further notice it when I go in to work at 7 a.m. and see the neon OPEN sign lit. I think how nice it would be to go to breakfast before work and wonder why I didn’t leave the house earlier.

On entering, we found the dining room is indeed tiny. There are about five or six tables, not very far apart. We sat at one and looked around at the charming country decor. A toddler at a nearby table was listening with delight to a snowman that sang a Christmas song. We saw a couple such toys at our table. Our waitress told us one needed batteries but the other worked. We listened to a snowman sing “Let It Snow” accompanied by two marshmallows. Fun!

I ordered my favorite of a breakfast sandwich. Steven had one of his favorites, French toast with eggs over medium. We heard the waitress tell three ladies at another table to take their time if they wanted to just sit and visit.

“We’re open till eight,” she said.

“We might stay that long,” one of the ladies said.

I soon noticed the ladies were sitting under a sign that said, “Beware Pickpockets and Loose Women.” They seemed like such fun ladies, I just had to draw their attention to it. They had not noticed but were very amused.

“I’m a pickpocket,” one said. “I don’t know about these two.”

“This has to be our table now,” another declared.

I told them they should get a picture, and one immediately handed me a camera.

It was a very enjoyable breakfast. I don’t know if those fun ladies will be there when I go again, but I’m sure the food will be just as yummy. For more information about the Farm House Restaurant, call 894-3276.

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Pedestrian Saturday

Posted on January 1, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I did do a couple of blogworthy things on Friday, but some Saturdays I have run or walked in the morning and blogged about that. I find that fun, so as I walked Tabby to the post office this morning, I thought it would make an OK post.

I had meant to walk to the post office Friday and mail out our mortgage payment. I love making a mortgage payment; it makes me feel like such a grown up. Having a house ain’t too bad either.

It felt warmer this morning than it had yesterday. In fact, I thought it was raining because of the melting snow and ice dripping off the eaves. But no precipitation and little breeze, so it felt almost springlike. It must have been even more different from yesterday than I realized, because all Tabby wanted to do nothing but sniff, sniff, sniff. If if was up to her, I think we would still be three houses from home with her nose buried in the snow.

The melting snow created some hazardous spots on the sidewalk and in the road. I warned myself to watch out for black ice. Then I thought how some people will say, in a superior tone of voice, “There is no such thing as black ice. Ice is clear. The road underneath is black.” I think these people need to get over themselves. I find “black ice” to be an evocative expression (evocative is one of my favorite words). To me it sounds insidious and altogether more dangerous than “ice you can’t see very well on a dark road, because ice is clear, you know.” As I hashed this out in my head, I almost slipped. I think it was technically grey ice, but I managed to stay in a relatively upright position.

Payment safely mailed, we strolled down Main Street with a few pauses to sniff. I looked longingly at Crazy Otto’s Empire Diner. I could have used a good diner breakfast. A few older gentlemen were parting company outside the diner. “Dunkin’ tomorrow, right?” “Dunkin’ tomorrow!” they were saying. I imagined they were retired and met for coffee every morning. I like to think of people meeting for coffee. I like to meet people for coffee.

Tabby wanted to go into Hummel’s, where people who work often pet her, but the sign said they are closed December 31 and January 1. Good for them. New Year’s Eve is not such a big office supply holiday, I would think.

It was not a very long walk, but we enjoyed it. I hope the spring like temperature lasts for the afternoon. I will enjoy to see 2011 out with another walk with my dog.

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Words on Lame Post Friday

Posted on December 31, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I felt relieved last night when I realized today would be Lame Post Friday. But I’ve spent the morning and most of the afternoon realizing: you still need words to make a blog post.

Words, words, words… Nonchalant is my favorite word. It means to be cool, and it sounds cool when you say it. Really, as a word, it has everything.

OK, that was one word. Let’s see if I can come up with another.

My husband, Steven, heard on the news this morning that one of the most overused words of 2011 was amazing. THANK YOU!!! If I hear one more person, experience or anything described as amazing, I may scream. EEEEEEEEEE! In fact, I screamed just now thinking about it. Most of the things that are described as amazing are really not. I won’t quote the dictionary here, because that really is lame, but if you are amazed, you are dazed, bewildered, you just can’t believe it. You stop and stare at something that is amazing. There are no words.

Ooh, here’s a random observation: “there are no words” is an oxymoron, because “there are no words” are, in fact, all words. It will be a truly unusual situation if I have no words. My husband is still searching for just such a situation.

Where was I? Ah yes, Words on Lame Post Friday (ooh, that would make a good title). How about the word “word?” What exactly does that mean? Sometimes I hear a young person say in a solemn tone, “Word,” usually in reply to something somebody else said. I believe it signifies agreement of no common order. If so, I think I like it.

And here’s something else about words: Sometimes I use a word and somebody asks me what it means. I tell them a synonym and they say, aggrieved, “Why didn’t you just say that?” Because I didn’t mean that. Actually, there are very few true synonyms. Most words have shades of meaning. I don’t like to say “green” when I mean “teal.” I was once expounding about this to an annoying person (I have many annoying friends and acquaintances; no doubt they find me annoying too) (that could be a whole other Lame Friday Post). I said, “A word means what I used it to mean.” And he said, “Yeah, can’t they tell by the context what it means?” as if he knew exactly what I was talking about. That is not what I was talking about. I don’t expect people to magically know words they don’t know because I said them. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Well, I’ve babbled on for over 400 words, and I think I’ve gotten fairly silly. Happy Friday, everybody.

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Winter Comes to the Mohawk Valley

Posted on December 29, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Perhaps I jinxed things the other day, when I mentioned I was pleased about the green Christmas. Nah, that can’t be it; people have been remarking about the lack of snow for a while now. Be that as it may, I thought Wednesday’s weather was worthy of a post.

I first encountered the winter Wednesday morning. I was feeling rather bah humbuggish as I experienced problems trying to wrap presents for Christmas II at my parents’ house that evening. I thought a little fresh air would help, so on went the sneakers (me) and the leash (Tabby), and out the door we went.

It was cold! Once again I had not put a scarf around my face, to my regret. Little white flakes swirled around us, then moved faster as the wind picked up and got mean. Tabby only wanted to go around the block, even taking the short cut through the apartment building parking lot, which was OK with me. At least it blew the bah humbug out of me and I was able to complete my Christmas preparations with equanimity and even a little joy.

As the day wore on the snow kept falling. Perfect weather for a cup of hot tea (I had finished most of my chores by then). Then I thought I would take Tabby for a more lengthy perambulation (we avoid saying the “w word” in our house) before our drive into Rome (about 30 to 40 minutes, depending on traffic and how seriously I take the speed limits). I struggled into my army winter boots and we set out.

It was a little warmer since the wind had died down. I was glad of the boots, as the snow had started to drift across the sidewalks. Not too deep yet, but a preview of things to come. One man was out with a snow blower, blowing out the driveway and walk of the apartment building. I encountered some iciness crossing the streets, but no mishaps. Tabby went about two blocks down German Street, then turned around without fanfare or even an inquiring look at me, and led me back home. After we turned around the wind picked back up, and I was once again regretful I had forgotten a scarf (will I ever remember that scarf?).

After we got back and I had gotten Tabby inside and cleared the caked snow off her feet, I went back outside and shoveled a little. Just the end of the driveway and the sidewalk in front of the house. It was really quite easy. Not much snow had piled up and it was light enough to push.

A check of Facebook revealed a couple of cancellations in Frankfort and Utica, and some comments by people of how some roads were getting bad. Oh dear. I called my Dad and asked how things were in Rome. After some discussion, we decided I would start the drive and turn around at the Frankfort bridge if things seemed bad.

When I got ready to load the car and go pick up Steven, I put on my other boots. I had been delighted to get these boots for 50% off at K Mart last year. The army boots are excellent for dryness, warmth and traction, but they are a royal pain in my rear to get into and out of. The K Mart boots are slip on and perfectly warm.

As I brushed off the car (another joy, because it is my height, which the truck is not), I questioned my delight in the slip on boots as a big clump of snow fell right into them. Never mind, I told myself, I can borrow dry socks from Mom. Tabby eagerly jumped into the car and her kennel and we were off.

Village streets were predictably bad, but State Route 5 seemed OK. As Steven got into the car, I explained my plan. So far so good. Things started to get dicey as we neared the Frankfort bridge, but I suggested we give it to the four corners. Not the Historic Four Corners I blog so much about, but the ones near Dave’s Diner. From there it would be easy enough to get on 5S and go back home. 5S has the added advantage of two lanes of traffic. I can go slow, and impatient people can go around me at their own risk.

We did not get that far. We got as far as the Market Place Deli (formerly the Snack Shack), and that seemed to me a very good place to turn around. Snow was accumulating on the highway, and I felt a skid or a fishtail could easily happen. We went back home and called my disappointed but understanding parents.

I suppose some would call me a wimp for such behavior. These people would shake an admonitory finger at me and ask me how long have I lived in the area, and don’t I know what to expect in December? Apparently I do. After all, I own two pair of boots and a snow shovel. And I know that sometimes plans have to change. Maybe I can plan something more exciting for my next blog post.

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Christmas Ain’t Over Yet

Posted on December 29, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Subtitled It’s Not Easy Being Me.

One of the nice things about having a large-ish family fairly spread out (I know, other families make us look small and close, but we’re not talking about them) is that Christmas just has to last a little longer. My sister from Pennsylvania is coming to Rome (where my parents live) on Wednesday (today) and my sister from Liverpool is coming for New Years.

As you may know, I am not the sort that gets things done early. Give me two more days and whatever I have to get done will take two more days. I finished the last afghan for the last nephew last night (this is not counting the late afghans I intend to make for the nieces that donated their afghans to the nursing home). That wasn’t so bad. It made a good excuse to watch television instead of clean the house. I caught a City Confidential, an On the Case with Paula Zahn, and when Steven came home we watched a few sit coms we had DVR’d last spring (that also gave us the virtuous feeling that we had accomplished a task procrastinated).

Before I had settled on the couch with my crochet hook, I made some White Trash. I had the ingredients for one more batch and had not yet reached White Trash Making Overload (stirring the melted white chocolate over the cereal and stuff can get tiresome). I still have not reached Overload, so on my next trip to the grocery store I may snag some more white chocolate chips.

This morning, then, all I had to do was wrap the presents. Ugh. I am a terrible wrapper. And we’re running out of wrapping paper. I decided while wrapping the second afghan of the day that next year everybody in my family is getting small presents. You would expect me to come to that conclusion later, when I load the car by myself (husband’s work schedule dictates) (come to think of it, I did come to that conclusion the last time I loaded the car by myself, about five years ago, the last time I gave a bunch of afghans for Christmas. How quickly we forget). The worst moment of the morning, however, was when I realized I was using Care Bear wrapping paper. How in the world did we get Care Bear wrapping paper? I hate those damn bears! I suppose they must have been in a package of several different patterns. I comforted myself with the reflection that the paper will get ripped and recycled.

After dropping Steven off at work, I had to gas up the car, go to the grocery store, and go to Hummel’s to make copies and buy the last ingredient for the last present to be wrapped. I don’t usually drive the car. Two blocks from the gas station I realized I did not know which side the gas cap is on. The dashboard does not have a handy arrow showing me, like my truck does (I still consult the arrow some days and I’ve been driving that truck for six years). For a wonder, I guessed right the first time. I still had to back up and maneuver, though. I am really a lousy driver.

As I drove down the main drag, I realized I had no compelling reason to go to the grocery store today. Woo hoo! Cross something off my list with no more effort than thought! At Hummels’ Office Plus I needed to make a copy of a story I had written for my niece Camille to illustrate. I had printed the story out then cut and pasted to have only a paragraph or two per page. I bought the kind of binder with a plastic sleeve on the cover, for a title page. The Ghost Who Liked Christmas. Written by Aunt Cindy. Illustrated by Camille. I felt so creative and only a little bit guilty. I’ve had nieces and nephews since the mid ’80s. Why didn’t I write stories for all of them? Let’s not go there. It’s Christmas (that excuse should be good till January 6 anyways).

I paused amidst these gyrations to make the blog post which you are now reading (if you are still reading) (which, I guess you are). One more present to get ready, a dog to walk, a shower to take, a car to load and a husband to collect. Till then, it’s still Christmas! So Merry Christmas!

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After Christmas Trash

Posted on December 28, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I have not been doing anything Mohawk Valley-ish, as I like to describe it, but I have been good about taking my good little dog for walks.

Today is Garbage Day in Herkimer (doesn’t it sound like a holiday when I capitalize it?). Post Christmas trash in distinctive. Gobs of wrapping paper sticking out of the recycling containers. Herkimer and I think Oneida County now does “one and done” for recycling. Instead of putting things separately in clear plastic bags, we can put everything into one container. We bought a Rubbermaid trash can on wheels for the purpose. I noticed some people are still doing the clear plastic bag thing, which certainly looks more festive on the Garbage Day after Christmas.

Also in the recycling are all the boxes from new Christmas toys. That is a cheering sight. I like to think of all those kids, off school for the week and playing with their new things. I hope they are not tired of them yet.

I saw one tree by the curb, minus most of its needles. Did the people forget to water it? I know some people take their tree down the day after Christmas, but I think that is depressing. Can’t you at least wait till New Years? There is some tradition you are supposed to wait till the Epiphany, January 6, and my Mom told me the priest at her church insists the correct day to take down decorations is January 9. I think our stuff is likely to come down on Steven’s next day off after New Years.

So I’m enjoying the decorations left up while I can. Walking in the daylight — and today is a gloomy day such as I enjoy — of course lights are not on. And those big blow up decorations are all limp and a little sad looking. Some of them look as if they have been partying heartily. I guess that’s seasonal, too. One house has a blow up snowman on the porch. That seems to me a good place to put him, because during the day his limp, sad state is hidden.

We saw a couple of other dogs on our ramble today. Tabby was particularly interested in a little one in a pink coat. Tabby has a coat for the really cold days. Some people would say, “She doesn’t need a coat! She has a fur coat of her own!” That is, of course, true. However, she has that coat on indoors as well. My Mom always told me to don’t wear my coat in the house, because I’d be cold when I went outdoors. I know, dogs are different.

I enjoyed our post-Christmas walk. Exercise, of course, is good for a post-Christmas letdown or other depression. I could even be grateful it was not a white Christmas after all. Bare sidewalks and no need to shovel the driveway when I got back home. That’s the gift that keeps giving!

I’m afraid when some people saw my headline, they were expecting me to expound once again on the snack I like to make (but like better to eat) White Trash. Sorry if I disappointed anybody. In fact I do plan to make a batch of White Trash later. I wonder if I could get a blog post out of that.

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