Category Archives: humor

Skip the Futzing

Posted on December 18, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought that by instituting Middle-aged Musings Monday, I could take it easy on Monday. Kind of like I take it easy on Friday with Lame Post Friday.

Then I started thinking: Wrist to Forehead Sunday, Middle-aged Musings Monday, Mid-Week Musings, Lame Post Friday, Running Commentary Saturday and the newly discovered Non Sequitur Thursday (I know that puts them out of order, but I wanted to mention Thursday last). Am I writing a Mohawk Valley blog or am I just futzing around?

I guess today I’m futzing. I did not write a post on break at work. I wrote about a page on my novel that will probably end up being quite unusable, if I even finish the novel, which at this point looks doubtful.

Now it sounds like Wrist to Forehead Monday. OK, everybody, just put away your miniature violins, I’ll stop.

As a matter of fact, I dragged Steven and Tabby on a walk just now, thinking I could write about that. It was cold but not too bad. I had attempted a walk with Tabby on Sunday while Steven was at work and it was quite uncomfortable. We made it around one block and that was enough. Tonight’s walk was further and quite enjoyable.

I pointed out to Steven every Christmas decoration I noticed. Then I noticed myself doing that and apologized for being annoying. Steven didn’t mind. He really is a very good husband. Tabby, of course, wanted to stop and sniff almost every post, tree and patch of grass possible. We try to strike a balance between letting her enjoy herself and not taking all damn night about it.

At one point we could hear footsteps behind us so tried to pick up the pace a little. That is a noise that can sometimes make you nervous, especially after dark, but Herkimer is usually a pretty safe place, and for heavens’ sake it was prior to six p.m., not the witching hour (that may be a run-on sentence but I think it’s OK). Then I heard a car next to us click like somebody had used a key fob, so I figured that was footsteps’ car.

As we approached our house I heard wheels behind us, so looked back once or twice. If if was somebody on a bicycle I wanted to get out of the way. It was a lady with a stroller.

“Snowy! Snowy!” the kid in the stroller yelled.

“Every white animal isn’t Snowy,” the lady told him.

I turned around. “No, this is Tabby,” I said. Usually Tabby would want to meet the kid at this point, but we were in front of our house and she was into being home. The lady explained that her mother has a white cat named Snowy, so her boy thinks every white animal must be Snowy. We wished each other a good evening and she continued on her way while the little boy kept yelling for Snowy.

I asked Tabby if she wanted to change her name to Snowy, but she did not seem interested. Steven was pleased that we had walked for almost a half hour. As for me, I have written some 500 words and that almost always makes me feel better. Let that be a lesson to me: next time, skip the futzing.

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I Think I Like Cheesy Movies Better

Posted on December 17, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

When I saw Forbidden Planet listed on TCM, I got all excited.

“That’s a famous bad movie,” I told Steven. Turns out I was half right: it’s famous. I remembered that the movie was based on The Tempest by William Shakespeare (loosely, I believe) and that it is the movie that introduced Robbie the Robot.

I know Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space. I remember in one episode he played The Robotoid, who was apparently a better robot than The Robot, and The Robot got all jealous and sad. And I seem to remember Robbie being an evil robot as well, but that may have been the same episode. (Of course The Robot started out evil, but let’s not get all bogged down in Lost in Space reminisces.)

When Ben Mankiewicz gave his pre-movie commentary (which I love), he informed me that Forbidden Planet broke the mold of previous science fiction movies by having a budget and taking pains with the script, sets and acting. Who knew? Well, I’ve mentioned in the past it seems foolish to not watch a movie because I’m afraid it will be too good. I thought I’d give it a try.

I almost didn’t recognize Leslie Nielsen without his white hair and with his tongue not in his cheek. Ann Francis is the only girl both on the planet and in the movie, and Walter Pigeon plays her father. Those were the names I recognized in the cast.

I thought the plot of the movie was a little bit “Waaait a minute.” Leslie and ship have traveled two years through space to check on a group that set out to colonize some planet (I forget the name of the planet, and you know, nobody in the movie actually refers to it as “forbidden.” Just saying). Hello, 20 years? They didn’t let the Pilgrims go that long without checking on them, and proportionally travel and communications was a lot less sophisticated back then (I say “proportionally” because, you know, space vs oceans).

Then, after they find all is not well, although Walter Pigeon insists that it is, it’s going to take them like a month to cannibalize their ship to build a device to communicate with earth for further instructions. Excuse me, what? What were their original instructions and what did they expect to find? Didn’t they think they MIGHT need to call home? And how are they going to get back home once they’ve dismantled the ship to build this fancy telephone?

Perhaps I read too much into it. Or perhaps I was not paying enough attention, as you know is sometimes the case with me. I must observe, the movie got a little dull. It certainly moved slowly. The monster didn’t show up till like 45 minutes into it, and then it was just mysterious breathing. We don’t actually see the monster till much later and then we don’t exactly see it.

That, by the way, is my favorite special effect in the picture. The effects and the sets are pretty good for the time. A couple of the scenes look pretty definitely painted, but they’re lovely and nothing really looks fake.

The ending gets exciting. I don’t want to say a whole lot about how things develop and what happens, but it gets kind of heady and philosophical, while still remaining exciting. Not an easy trick to pull off.

On the whole, I would say Forbidden Planet is worth a watch if you’re interested in science fiction, movies and their history together. Next I’m going to read The Tempest, so I can do a compare/contrast on the plots. That might be good for another blog post.

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In My Defense, Here’s a Song

Posted on December 15, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I did not write my Friday Lame Post while at work today. What a surprise. I’ve had good luck with writing off the cuff before, I even had a few ideas banging around in my head (they bounce off the thick skull).

And here I am, with nothing coming off my cuffs (I have four of them, too, two per arm since I’m wearing a turtleneck and a sweatshirt). Why, oh why did I not write during my lunch?

I seem to recall trying that writing thing of having a designated writing time. Even if you just sit there staring at the blank page, this method goes, you sit there just in case. And sometimes something happens. My designated time was my lunch half hour at work. I seemed to get some stuff written, except on my husband’s days off. Then I would call him and talk. I think it’s important to talk to your husband.

Today, however, my little rebellious streak made itself felt.

“I don’t follow common wisdom!” my rebellious streak said. “They say don’t weigh yourself every day: I weigh myself every day! And I’m losing weight! They say just sit there even if you’re not writing. I’m not going to just sit there! So there!”

So I read this really good book. In my defense, the book is letters and diaries written around the time I’ve set the novel I’m working on. So you could categorize it as research. Or you can just shake your finger at me and say, “Next time you’ll know better: write during your designated time!”

That is so easy to say to somebody else. It’s even easy to say to myself when I am not actually doing it. It is extremely easy to sit here and resolve: from now on I will write during my lunch half hour at work (except on Steven’s days off). Doesn’t do me a whole lot of good as I’m sitting here churning out yet another really dull post.

To liven things up, I will end with a Christmas song I wrote about my dog, Tabby. Tabby likes to hear me sing; she wags her tail when I do. Sing this to the tune of “Holly Jolly Christmas.” You can insert your own dog’s name if you like.

Have a Happy Tabby Christmas
She’s the best dog of the year
She’s so sweet,
Give her a treat
And scratch behind her ear.

Have a Happy Tabby Christmas
And when you walk down the street,
Let her sniff,
She’ll take a whiff
And pet the dogs you’ll meet.

Oh Ho, Tabby’s so
Cute and sweet and nice!
She’ll wag her tail for you (so)
Rub her belly twice!

Have a Happy Tabby Christmas
And in case you didn’t hear
Oh, dag nab it Have a Happy Tabby Christmas this year!

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I Mean, It’s Like, You Know?

Posted on December 14, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was unable to write a blog post while at work today, because I was suffering from a screaming sinus headache.

Um, I did not actually scream. My place of employment is pretty loud at the best of times, so it is entirely possible that if I had screamed no one would have noticed. If they did notice, hearing protection is readily available. Good thing; my screams are piercing.

Where was I? Ah yes, nowhere. Partway through the day, in between waves of pain and wondering what in the world I was going to write about, I remembered: Non Sequitur Thursday. All I had to do was write a few random comments and done! On to the wine drinking portion of the evening!

I even thought of using “Non Sequitur Thursday” as the headline, but then I thought it would be a little too post-ironic. I mean, think about it: if you say you are about to say a non sequitur, then you say one, doesn’t that make it a sequitur? And is sequitur one of those lost positives you hear about (you know, like ept)?

I could actually make this Stream of Consciousness Thursday, by seguing into a whole blurb on lost positives (with a slight detour into how come my computer wants me to spell it “segueing” when the dictionary clearly prints “-uing”?). I really, really, want to say it: you know, how people can be inept, but you never hear about them being ept?

My computer, by the way, is also underlining ept, and all I can think of is the pregnancy test. Not something I need to think about at my age!

This is a singularly silly post, and I know I’ve had some silly ones. And I realized I was using “you know” entirely too much (I actually deleted a couple), so that gave me my headline. This was an expression I used to use quite a bit in my younger days. It was my statement on how people often talked without saying anything. A self portrait? You be the judge.

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Musings on Magoo

Posted on December 13, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I know I said yesterday that I would plan a better blog post for today, but nobody really got their hopes up, did they? I hope a Midweek Middle-aged Musing will suffice.

The other day Steven and I watched one of our all time favorite Christmas specials: Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol. Like many children in the ’60s (no, not in THEIR 60s, in the years following 1960. Sheesh!), it was our first introduction to the Charles Dickens classic.

The old Mr. Magoo cartoons have fallen into bad repute these days. Some people say they do not find it amusing to make fun of someone’s disability, in this case nearsightedness. This is, of course, a worthy sentiment. If I recall the original cartoons, the joke was that Mr. Magoo was completely oblivious to the fact that he could not see and to all the trouble it got him into. Everything always worked out for him in the end.

That doesn’t make it right to make fun of him, the argument continues. Perhaps not, but consider this: Many vision problems are easily correctable with a pair of glasses, and many people are too cheap, vain or stubborn to provide themselves with glasses. I think cheapness, vanity and stubbornness are OK to make fun of.

Ebenezer Scrooge falls into the cheap category.

“Could I need spectacles?” he asks himself. Then, realizing spectacles cost money: “Must be this gruel. Sour, sour!”

Later the Ghost of Christmas Present: “So you’re the man who’s too tight with a penny to buy himself a pair of spectacles!”

So you see.

If you don’t buy my rationalization, just remind yourself: Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol was made in 1962. We know better now. Use it as a teachable moment and enjoy the show. We did.

And don’t be too cheap to buy yourself a pair of glasses if you need them.

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Pedestrian Plan

Posted on December 12, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I spent all day at work trying to psyche myself up to run. For one thing, I needed a blog post. Then my back started to hurt. Then I thought of my dog, Tabby, who likes to go for a walk, and I felt guilty. True, she walks my cool down with me, but that is only ten minutes.

Finally I reached a compromise: If it was nasty weather (which Tabby does not like to walk in), I would run. If not, I would see if my husband, Steven, would like to go for a walk with me and Tabby, which, of course, is one of Tabby’s favorite things to do.

I outlined my plan to a co-worker. I’m always telling people my plans. It increases the likelihood of my following through on them.

“That’s my plan,” I finished.

“And you’re sticking to it,” she added.

“I will try to stick to it,” I admitted. “If I come home and Steven has a pot of coffee and says, ‘Do you want a cup of coffee, honey?’ I’m having coffee.”

She thought this was a good plan too. And that is what I ended up doing. First I had coffee. Then we went for a walk.

I left on my army pants, which I wear to work, but changed into a long-sleeved shirt. Then I put on one of my Christmas sweatshirts, black with cardinals on holly branches with snow falling. An insulated sweatshirt and my toque (rhymes with “spook”) completed my ensemble.

I take so much time telling about my plan to walk and what I wore, because it was a pretty uneventful walk. The vague snowflakes that had been falling had stopped, and there was very little breeze. It was just about to get dark, my favorite time of day.

We admired many Christmas decorations, pointing out to each other all the lights on porches and trees visible through windows. I especially like different colored lights, but white or monochromatic can be nice, too. I restrained Steven from stealing any hard plastic light up snowmen we saw, but we did envy them.

I counted three houses in one block with candles in the windows, one of Steven’s favorite looks, then amended it to four, although the fourth only had a candle in one window.

By the time we got home it was almost dark. I pointed out how Halloweeny the bare trees looked against the grey sky. I like to mix up the holidays a little.

At this point, I am a little embarrassed, because this is a pretty dull post, even for me. However, it is Christmas time. We’re all busy. Maybe most people were even too busy to read this far. Perhaps it would have made a better post if I had let Steven steal the snowman. Questions to ponder.

I’ll try to plan a better post for tomorrow.

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Actors Have Bills to Pay, Too

Posted on December 11, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Spoiler Alert! I intend to pretty much recount the plot of the following movie. I will not give away the ending, however, because by that point I had almost entirely ceased paying attention.

I had DVR’d Dracula Rises from the Grave (1968) when I DRV’d the other Christopher Lee Dracula movie whose name escapes me. Saturday I watched it while Steven was at work. I would have waited and watched it with him, but Steven is pretty much All Christmas All The Time these days (with the occasional DVR’d Castle episode or true crime show thrown in).

In pre-movie commentary, Ben Mankiewicz says that Lee did not want to play the role a third time, but the studio talked him into it, probably with a fat check. It must have been, because they sure didn’t tempt him with a great script that offered acting challenges and Oscar talk. Well, I’m not judging. Actors have bills to pay, too.

The movie opens with a cheerful young man whistling as he rides his bike to the church, where he works. When he goes to ring the bell, blood is running down the rope. Eek! I like a movie that doesn’t waste any time. In a creepy shot, we see a slaughtered young lady hanging upside down inside the bell (cue jokes about her face ringing a bell).

The young man spends the rest of the movie saying, “Ah-uh-ah!” instead of actual lines, apparently shocked into imbecility, because he seemed pretty normal before. These movies love to have a character that can only say, “Ah-uh-ah!” I’m sure it makes it easier to write dialogue.

As the movie progresses, the lady in the bell takes on a real “Waaait a minute” quality, because Dracula actually has not yet risen from the grave at this point. It’s never explained. I guess it’s just a set piece to start us off creepy and get the kid out of having to learn any lines.

There’s this fairly wimpy parish priest with the oddest pattern of baldness I’ve ever seen, a narrow strip down the middle of his head. All he wants to do after the bell lady incident is sit in the pub and drink. This is where the Monsignor finds him. The Monsignor is told that nobody will go to church because they fear the evil Dracula. Yes, we thought he was dead, but the shadow of his castle falls on the church, obviously a bad sign.

The Monsignor decides that he and Wimpy Priest will go to the castle to prove the evil has been destroyed. Stand by for the next “Waaaait a minute” development. The two holy men leave before dawn, carrying a really big crucifix for good measure. Finally Wimpy Priest can go no further, they must turn back, soon it will be dark.

Excuse me, what? How far away is this castle? And how big is it if from that distance it can still cast a shadow that touches the church. Perhaps it is on a mountain that goes straight up, but still.

Now, anybody who saw the previous Christopher Lee Dracula movie (whose title escapes me) knows the titular vampire went to a cold, watery end (I can’t say “grave” because that’s where he sleeps when he is undead). So right away Dracula is better off in this movie, because you may recall that he began the other movie as a box of ashes. At least now he is already reconstituted. And apparently the cold water helped him regenerate his vocal chords, because he has lines this time. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Monsignor begins some exorcism rite at the door of the castle, leaving Wimpy Priest to wait for him partway down the mountain. There is a lot of thunder and lightning. I’m not entirely clear on this, but I think what happens is that Wimpy Priest falls, hits his head and bleeds on frozen Dracula.

You may recall that blood revived Dracula when he was ashes, and so it is now that he is frozen. And it doesn’t take a whole person’s worth of blood to do it this time, so bonus for Wimpy Priest: he gets to be in the rest of the movie.

Monsignor, meantime, has completed his exorcism (or whatever it was) and sealed the door to the castle with the big crucifix. I had thought that in cases like this you burned the castle (or house or mansion, as the case may be) and scattered the ashes. Apparently not always.

Boy, is Dracula ticked off when he arrives home to find the locks have been changed.

And we’re off on a vampire revenge caper. We meet a beautiful blonde, a tawdry redhead and a stalwart hero, among others. “Ah-uh-ah” boy makes another appearance, and Wimpy Priest gets to be Dracula’s henchman.

I have to admit, I pretty much stopped paying attention after a while. I only let the recording play out so I could write this blog post. And I see I am over 800 words, so I guess it’s a good idea to stop my plot summary now anyways. It actually isn’t too bad of a movie. I may DVR the other Christopher Lee Dracula movies if they turn up on TCM. I’ll let you know.

(NOTE: The movie title that escaped me earlier was Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966); I wrote a blog post about it.)

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Desperate Times Call for Lame Measures

Posted on December 8, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

If ever I was in need of Lame Post Friday, today is the day.

For those of you just tuning in (I know I say this almost every week, but I believe I do occasionally have new readers), Lame Post Friday is the day I let myself off the hook with random observations and half-baked philosophy. It’s actually reprehensible of me, because I let myself off the hook on many occasions: Middle-aged Musings Monday, Wrist to Forehead Sunday, Non Sequitur Thursday (although I’ve only had one of those so far). Even Running Commentary Saturday is a little, dare I say, lame.

In my defense, I don’t always use these handy little hide-behinds. If I have something to write about, I write about it. In my further defense, I sometimes get a lot of “likes” on these silly posts.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if I’m going to post every day, some of the posts are going to be lame. One might argue (you know, that one that’s always ready to argue. I hate that one): so don’t post every day! Wait till you have something to say! I think I’ve had that argument in this space before. So sorry to repeat myself.

It is pouring rain out (random observation #1). This is sad news for me and for the blog, because I was going to go to a tree lighting in Weller Park in Mohawk tonight. It would have made a great post tomorrow (or do I flatter myself?)! Hmm, guess it’s time for some half-baked philosophy about how it’s OK, because…

I got nuthin’. This is it folks: a short post, one random observation. I’ll do one thing. I’ll save this as a draft and post it after I eat. Maybe something will occur to me while I dine.

NOTE: Nothing occurred to me. But I did have some Heidleberg Bread, baked right here in Herkimer, NY from local ingredients. My Mohawk Valley Girl cred survives.

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To Tree Or Not To Tree

Posted on December 7, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I know in headlines you’re not supposed to capitalize “or” or “to” or little, unimportant words like that (although think how oddly that headline would read without them), but I thought “To Tree or Not to Tree” looked funny, too. What’s a blogger to do?

It is kind of an important point, because the headline is pretty much all I have today.

Wow, I just sat here staring at the screen for a good three or four minutes (felt like hours). This could be the shortest post yet!

I did try to write something under this title on a break at work today. Usually I can get at least a paragraph or two out of my silly dithering. I wrote something about waxing philosophical about Christmas trees. Then I got bogged down between saving the half-baked philosophy for Lame Post Friday and wanting to make a play on words about waxing things.

I said to hell with this, wrote another page on my novel, and thought I would trust to writing on the fly. It’s worked before.

First Steven and I had to do some Christmas shopping. I have mentioned that he works at a certain big box store which needs no publicity from Mohawk Valley Girl. Well, he qualified for a sweet 20 percent off voucher, good today or tomorrow only, for one shopping trip. We filled a cart! And don’t think that didn’t entail a lot of dithering!

Shopping on a Thursday night in December. What the hell was I thinking? As I threaded my way around people and carts, saying, “Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me,” this chick who worked there barged by me saying “EXCUSE ME!” in a loud voice, as if I was the one standing in the middle of the aisle holding things up!

Other than that little annoyance, though, it was pretty fun. Most people were at least polite if not good-natured about it. At one point, as I was hustling back to toiletries while Steven completed looking for groceries, I got the giggles. It happens to me in bad weather, sometimes it happens to me in crowds. I seem to remember it happened at the Boilermaker more than once.

And what has this to do with “To Tree or Not to Tree,” you may ask. I bet you think I’m going to explain, “Shut up.” But no, I will answer: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

And just like that, a new feature is born for Mohawk Valley Girl: Non Sequitur Thursday. Hope you enjoyed it.

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No Cheese for Christmas?

Posted on December 5, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I do not have a cheesy horror movie to review this week and for that I blame Steven.

Saturday night we watched DVR’d episodes of Castle (to make space on the DVR for more horror movies). Sunday, Steven insisted we watch Christmas. Well, I have to let him get his way sometimes.

I would write about our Christmas movies, but I just don’t know if I can poke fun at them the same way I poke fun at a sleazy horror movie (I know, I usually describe them as “cheesy,” but for some reason, today the word “sleazy” came to mind. I’m sure that in many cases it is apt).

Where was I? I’m afraid in the midst of a Why I Can’t Write a Post Today post.

Wow, as soon as I wrote those words, I stopped writing.

That was as far as I wrote while at work today (on a break OF COURSE). To make an accurate account, there was a long pause between the last two sentences. I did not push it. Instead I flipped over a couple of pages in the notebook and wrote more on the novel I’m working on. So I’m not completely illiterate.

Perhaps a few sentences about Why I Don’t Want to Write About Christmas Movies is in order.

Almost every Christmas movie is somebody’s favorite or the center of a cherished memory. While this may also be true of, for example The Corpse Vanishes or The Screaming Skull, it is less likely, and it seems to me one is more apt to be forgiven in these cases. (Actually, I seem to remember sharing one of my cherished memories when I wrote about It: The Terror from Beyond Space. So you see.) Perhaps I am faint of heart, but I don’t want to be hated on at Christmas time.

I don’t rule out writing about our Christmas movies as we continue to view them, but I warn you: I will probably get a little fluffy and sentimental. What can I say? It’s December. To quote one of my favorite philosophical sayings, You’ll have that.

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