Category Archives: humor

Another Stroll Down Memory Lame

Posted on February 15, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

Does anybody else remember this:

“TASTES GREAT!”

“LESS FILLING!”

“I still don’t know why they wanted me to be in this commercial.”

Yes, I am about to write a Friday Lame Post worthy of Non-Sequitur Thursday. The fact is, once again, I got nuthin'(the period doesn’t look right after the apostrophe). (Oh, but it looks fine after the parenthesis.)

I didn’t even try very hard to write anything while I was at work. I managed almost a page on my novel (it seems to be going well, but I’m sure that’s deceiving), and I conversed with a co-worker.

Oh, here’s… I don’t know if it’s a random observation or what, but the word is “converse.” Certain sergeants in the army said “conversate,” as in, “You don’t need to be off there conversating.” My elementary school teachers used to say “visiting,” as in, “Do your work and don’t be visiting with your neighbor!” Incidentally, I almost always visited with my neighbor, even when the teacher sat us boy/girl in hopes of curtailing such a thing.

And how about that, back when boy/girl was supposed to be a bad thing? Was it ever, really? I mean, I didn’t want them to be my boyfriends, but I would always talk to the boys (visit? conversate?).

Just as a final note (and here’s the real non-sequitur of the day): I think today is my 1,000th post. Isn’t that cool? Happy Friday, everyone.

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What’s My Problem, Anyways?

Posted on February 14, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I had not meant to have a Non-Sequitur Thursday this week. I had big plans for a Mohawk Valley adventure on my way home from work. And I was going to walk my dog. Either one should have provided sufficient material for at least a short post.

And then it started to snow. Oh, I know, we Mohawk Valley residents are used to snow. We just drive on, sometimes without fully cleaning off our cars (don’t shake your finger at me; I was talking about you!). It wasn’t even supposed to be that bad. The storm was to pass NEAR us, sending us some snow, but nothing to worry about. “Enough to shovel” was the way Bill Kardas put it on WKTV News.

I had somehow gotten the impression snow was not even predicted to start until late afternoon or evening. At work, my co-worker said he thought it was supposed to start around noon. I looked out the window.

“How about ten?” I suggested, pointing. It was in fact about ten minutes before ten (I keep close track of what time it is at work). I continued to watch the snow fall all afternoon (I work facing a window).

Another co-worker arriving in the afternoon said the roads were not too bad; just a little “greasy.” I think Fats Waller said it best: Life sure ain’t easy when you’re fat and greasy (life sho’ ain’t easy when yo fat and greezy, to be more accurate).

I gave yet another co-worker a ride home prior to my adventuring. Before I dropped her off, I had put my vehicle in full 4-wheel drive and decided to go straight home. I’m still not sure why it seemed so bad. It was just a lot of snow, not even a real full-fledged storm such as we central New Yorkers weather with such tough-minded pride.

Still, I drove home slowly and was happy to be there. I went outside and shoveled what had accumulated so far. Admittedly, it was not much, and it was still coming down quite steadily. But I felt I should do something to lighten Steven’s load tomorrow. If Steven decides to shovel tomorrow. He may leave it for me on Saturday, which would be fair since he has done the lion’s share of the shoveling this winter.

Perhaps I have reached Winter Fatigue or I am suffering from that Seasonal Affective Disorder (OK, one of those I just now made up). But not to worry. We are resilient here in the Mohawk Valley. I’ll be out and doing stuff soon, snow or no snow! I’ll be sure to write about it here.

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The Problem with Valentines

Posted on February 13, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I finished yesterday’s post saying perhaps I would expound upon Valentine’s Day today. This being Wuss-out Wednesday and still too cold for Mohawk Valley adventures, I will now attempt to do so.

In my sordid past — uh, I mean my ASSORTED past, I spent many years hating Valentine’s Day. Of course there was the build up. The hope that this year would be the one where I would be surprised by… something from… someone. And planning of what I might do to intrigue some particular person who seemed inexplicably unaware of my presence on the planet. Followed by the knowledge that no, this would not be the year, and, yes, anything I might think of to do would not intrigue but on the contrary probably annoy.

Well, it was a made up holiday anyways, perpetuated by greeting card companies, and who wanted a dumb old Valentine, anyways?

Now I have been quite happily married for going on 24 years, and Valentine’s Day is… problematic. In short, he always gets me better things than I get him! OK, in the scheme of things and especially in the context of relationships, there are worse problems to face. But still.

This year, for example, I got my Valentine present early. I came home today to find a lovely vase of flowers and an extremely cute stuffed gorilla sitting in the living room. What a guy! And anybody who is cynically snorting, “Oh, he got you your present early to make sure you got him something on the day,” you can just be quiet. Today was Steven’s day off; this was much more convenient for him and quite frankly it made my day.

As far as my present for Steven, I will either bake him cookies or make him my famous potato soup (which he loves). The advantage of these activities is that I can probably get another blog post out of it.

But I do hope the weather breaks soon, so I can go adventuring again.

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How James M. Cain Makes Steven Nervous

Posted on February 12, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

How about a new feature called Tired on Tuesday? I may have suggested that before.

I was afraid this would happen when we did not watch a cheesy movie on Sunday. I was just too lazy to look for one. Instead, we watched two film noirs (films noir?) based on James M. Cain novels, The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) and Double Indemnity (1944).

I can’t write about these movies the way I usually do about more cheesy cinematic fare. They’re really good movies. I suppose I could do a compare/contrast about them, because both are about sexy blondes who enlist boyfriends to help kill their husbands. Or I could be silly and tell how my husband Steven gets a little nervous because they are two of my all-time favorite movies. Or I could bag both movies and write instead about the walk I took with my schnoodle Tabby yesterday.

What I cannot do, it seems, is go right downstairs and watch a cheesy movie or have a Mohawk Valley adventure so I have something to write about.

The funny thing is, I almost had a topic this morning. Steven was driving me to work, and I went into one of my foolish analyses of words, this time critiquing the name of a certain chain drug store. Steven’s reply was, “Blog post.” I won’t write it, though, because on reflection, I feel it is not a spot-on analysis.

And now I see I have over 200 words (love that word count feature), which by my definition makes a respectable blog post. Tune in tomorrow (if you will be so kind), when perhaps I will wax eloquent about Valentine’s Day. Happy Tuesday, everybody.

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In Praise of Unpleasant

Posted on February 11, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I came across that phrase in the TV Journal the other day. I had noted it as a potential blog title, and today I find it appropriate for a Middle-aged Musings Monday.

We were watching one of my beloved true crime shows. It was my favorite kind: a case which had been covered in another program. I like to see if they show different aspects of the case. Or if their reenactments are as cheesy (who am I kidding? Reenactments are ALWAYS cheesy).

In this case, a woman kited checks and killed her husband to avoid unpleasantness.

Seriously, she kited checks to cover bad checks and created a huge financial mess, because it would have been unpleasant to deal with the first bad checks. She did not divorce her abusive husband, because it would have been unpleasant to air their dirty laundry in public.

Excuse me, what? What kind of funky, psychedelic rose-colored glasses did this woman wear that she didn’t think all this crap was going to eventually catch up with her? And where can I buy a pair?

I suppose, like Scarlett O’Hara, she said, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Of course, a lot of times when Scarlett said this, she was working her but off today and she really did have too much on her mind. There is something to be said for sleeping on your problems, seeing if things look better in the morning, letting our thoughts marinade.

But, oh yeah, we’re not talking about the pause that refreshes. We’re talking about fraud and murder to avoid unpleasantness.

We all know we cannot avoid unpleasantness indefinitely. By facing unpleasantness head-on, we are more likely to come up with solutions to our problems. For example, talking to the bank and paying overdraft fees. Talking to a divorce attorney. Then things may eventually become — all together now — pleasant.

Oh dear. All of a sudden I’m afraid I sound like some 20-year-old spouting a cliche like it’s a wise insight that none of the rest of you peons have caught onto yet. There are columnists like that. I’ve read them in disgust.

Oh well, at least this may set me up for a future Middle-aged Musing. When I say it, it’s an insight. When you say it, it’s just a trifle obvious. When that other one says it, it’s a trite cliche. It could be a pleasant post to write. In that case, it will do no harm to put it off.

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No Write, No Run, But Wrist

Posted on February 10, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

Oh, it is SO Wrist to Forehead Sunday! I can’t write a post! I don’t want to write a post! I don’t want to write ANYTHING!

OK, got that out of my system. As usual, once I sit down at the keyboard, words come out. Maybe not good words, but I can at least edit out the bad words (you know like %$^#%$^@$(@ and *&*&^$%##!).

I read somewhere that motivation follows action, not the other way around. In other words, if you wait till you are “in the mood” (with apologies to Glenn Miller) to do a distasteful chore, you will never do it. However, once you begin said chore, you find it is not so bad after all. You happily do that and twelve other distasteful chores you have been putting off.

Unfortunately, sometimes it does not work. This morning, for example, I did the dishes and it did not lead me to sweep and mop the kitchen floor. I made a salad and chopped some vegetables for my lunch tomorrow. I’m sure I have praised in this blog the therapeutic benefits of chopping vegetables. Today, not so much.

I fear that if I tried to go running today it would be an unpleasant plod. I had previously agreed to let myself off the hook, due to temperatures below 20 degrees. Then I logged onto WordPress and saw a blogger I follow had published a post about how he went running in 8 degree weather. EIGHT DEGREES! What kind of a wimp am I? (It was Return of the Modern Philosopher , if you want to know.)

So that is the story of my life so far: no writing, no running. Well, if I have learned anything at my age, it is that these moods pass. However, that thought is more in the category of Middle-aged Musings. I’ll hold it for Monday. Hope to see you then.

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And the Secret Word Is…

Posted on February 9, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I spend a lot of weekend time on Facebook, because I find it fun. My usual method is to do a chore or two, pop on to check my notifications, do a chore or two, pop on to read some posts, see some pictures, laugh at some jokes. Sometimes, I confess, I skip the chores.

Here is a Facebook thing I have addressed before, but I’ve thought of a new post, so I make bold to revisit the topic. Sorry, I’m too lazy to search my old posts and give you a pingback to it. If you missed it, you aren’t really missing much.

To perhaps reiterate what I’ve said before, I don’t read every post, especially the ones that are clearly copied. One I have skipped almost every time begins, “Let’s see who reads my posts all the way to the end.” I think, “Why are you even friends with me if you think I don’t read your posts,” and I don’t read it all the way to the end.

While at work the other day (I was doing a job that gave me a chance to daydream a little), I composed the following post I may put on one day:

“Do NOT read this post all the way to the end. Are you still reading? If so, good for you, because that means you do not do everything you are told. Neither do I. What you do next is entirely up to you, but I think if would be fun if you posted a silly comment to this. And if anybody does read this all the way to the end, they will learn that the secret word is bananas.”

I like this one. I think it’s almost as good as a post I’ve actually done that reads, “Do NOT re-post this.”

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Blame the Book

Posted on February 8, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

First, a confession. I took the day off.

Not from work, of course. I went to my place of employment and did what they pay me to do (remember: not a work blog). But I wrote nothing. No novel, no blog post, no letter, not even a grocery list. I read a book.

In my defense, it’s a library book that I have to finish and get back to the library. And it is a history book, so I am educating myself. Becoming more erudite and informed. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s easier to read than to write, so today I read.

The fact is, I love to read even more than I love to write. If I don’t have anything else to read, I’ll read the backs of cereal boxes. But I almost always have something else to read. Libraries, used book sales, garage sales, thrift stores and even Barnes and Noble supply me with my drug of choice (um, that’s reading) (I didn’t need to clarify that, did I?).

I actually read less now than I used to. I used to read to the exclusion of interacting with people. I have this problem of getting absorbed in a book. I used to read and watch TV at the same time. That would drive anybody else in the room nuts when I would constantly ask what I had missed on the TV show because I was reading.

“Get your nose out of that book!” was a phrase I often heard. When I bothered to listen.

In addition to interacting with people, I use free time at work to write. I didn’t used to do that so much with the result that I used to write a whole lot less than I write now. Read more, wrote less; read less, write more (in that sentence the first “read” is past tense, the second is present) (have you ever noticed it’s the SAME WORD?).

So this has been my Friday Lame Post. My miserable excuse for not writing a better post. I feel it will be understood by others who suffer from a similar addiction.

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Not Even a Non-Sequitur

Posted on February 7, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

This is the worse case of Writer’s Blank I’ve had in a while.

And writing that sentence did not seem to help.

Good God, can it be that I’ve run out of things to say? Wasn’t I just writing last week that it wasn’t like a bucket that got emptied? Oh well, I think I stole that metaphor. After all, plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery (and I bet the person I stole it from stole it from somebody else).

I seem to be moving from Non-Sequitur Thursday to I Got Nuthin’ Thursday.

In fact, I had a minor adventure I had been going to write about. It involved my husband’s car getting hung up in a snowbank at the end of our driveway. When I got to work and shared the story with a co-worker, I finished with, “Now I’ll go write a blog post about it.” Another co-worker said, “Now you have something to write in your blog,” before I had a chance to say that (yes, I told the story twice; I really don’t have that much excitement in my life).

Could this be an example of what they say concerning fiction writing? Don’t tell your plots to people, because you won’t need to write them any more. Did I talk myself out of a blog post?

I’m thinking I did not. It really was not all that good of a story. I just said the blog line to be cute.

And I see I have now written over 200 words about, once again, not writing a post. In my defense, I have a headache and I have been striving not to mention it, because people who go on about their aches and pains are tiresome. I won’t promise anything better for tomorrow, because it will be Lame Post Friday. However, there is a chance we’ll have some Saturday Running Commentary. I hope you’ll stay tuned.

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Get Off the Road!

Posted on February 6, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

It is Wuss-out Wednesday and you bet I am wussing out. In my defense, it’s been a long day and I need it to end early. My original plan had been to write about yesterday’s run. Come to think about it, it was kind of a wussy run. Maybe this will work.

I ran in the road, which I rarely do. However, portions of Herkimer’s sidewalks are treacherous. I did not want to go flying.

I put on the reflective vest my sister gave me for my birthday. Safety first. This had the added advantage of covering me up a little more. I was wearing an actual winter running shirt, and it is form fitting. On the brighter side, my form is looking marginally better than I thought it was.

My plan was to stick to the least busy streets I could find. As I ran down Bellinger, left side facing traffic as recommended, I realized another caveat: it is better to run on the side of the road with no parking. I dodged around cars in between oncoming traffic. I wondered if my reflective vest was doing me much good since it was still daylight.

Soon I noticed a couple with a stroller on the opposite side of the road. I suppose I can’t really fault them for walking in the road with the sidewalks what they were, even with a baby carriage. At least they were on the left side facing traffic. But I had to feel silly: There I was with a reflective vest on, and their baby carriage didn’t have any safety devices. What kind of a wimp was I?

When I finally got off Bellinger I made the rest of my run based on which streets I could be left-side-facing-traffic on the No Parking side of the street. That worked a little better.

Not great, mind you. Just a little better. There were plenty of puddles on the side of the road, too, some of them frozen. Well, all I can do is my best. I managed to run 20 minutes. Less than I had run on the weekend, but longer than I had thought I would make. I did stick to the sidewalks for my cool-down walk with Tabby. At least, mostly sidewalks and some snow right next to the sidewalks.

On the brighter side, it’s February. Spring can’t be far. And I must admit, the weather does add interest to my runs. My next running post may feature me plowing through all the fluffy snow that fell today. I hope it will at least be on the sidewalk.

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