Category Archives: humor

I Didn’t Edit Out the Lame

Posted on April 20, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

An interesting phenomenon has been happening with some of my blog posts lately: I edit.

Of course I’ve always edited to a point. Whether I write it first then type it in or compose (NOT compost, Ron) at the keyboard, I read it over and change a word here and there. Lately, however, I’ve been deleting, moving and completely re-writing entire paragraphs. Even adding paragraphs. It’s kind of fun.

I’m sure there are some “real” writers out there rolling their eyes. “Of COURSE you have to edit!” they are saying, with or without a sniff. “Editing is an important part of writing — maybe the MOST important part. Did you think your stuff could stand as written?”

Two schools of thought there. Others believe you should NEVER edit. You must be spontaneous and fresh, sticking to your “first thoughts.” “First thoughts” is an expression I got from Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones. For Goldberg, as for many creative souls, the Editor is that bad voice that lives in your head and says things like, “Don’t write that! That’s stupid! Why are you even writing at all?”

Regular readers (Hi, Sherry!) know I have conversations with a similar entity in my own head on a regular basis. I would submit that it isn’t only writers that hear such a voice. I think a lot of people who suffer from low self-esteem hear an unkind voice telling them they are ugly or stupid or worthless.

I don’t want to stray into psychiatry over here. Half-baked philosophy is my bailiwick. And I didn’t start out to write out about self-esteem; I meant to do a post on writing.

Well, how about some half-baked philosophy on the relationship between writing and self-esteem?

Or not.

Full disclosure: I wrote this last week (yes, while I was stressing over the silly weekend) with no real notion of when I would use it. Today, I thought it would fit right in with Lame Post Friday. And it will have to do, because I have nothing else, least of all time to come up with an alternative.

Further full disclosure: I did very little editing on this when I typed it in. The irony is not lost on me.

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Musings on Lack of a Muse

Posted on April 18, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

It’s no use: I have to hide behind a Mid-Week Middle-Aged Musings. Unfortunately I have very little to muse about.

I had thought I could spend the week happily writing about my Finger Lakes wine tasting adventures. It turns out they are not as easy to write about as the tastings at Vintage Spirits and Ilion Wine & Spirits. I suppose I could spend the post musing on why this is so, yet I feel strangely disinclined to do so.

I like to say I have Writer’s Blank rather than Writer’s Block, although sometimes I have Write It Then Cross It Out Syndrome. Today, however, it really feel like Block. There are words in my head, and my pen simply refuses to write them.

I know there are people out there who have no patience with this sort of crisis. I don’t say writers, because a lot of these people have never written a word in their lives, yet they feel certain that they know exactly what my problem is. As for the people that have written a word in their lives and claim never to have a problem of this nature, well, every writer is different (oh, how tactful of me to refrain from saying they are full of beans) (oops).

I think writing is an obstacle course (I did not say “like an obstacle course” because I prefer metaphor to simile). Sometimes you have to bull your way through the obstacle by main force. Sometimes you can climb or even jump over it. Sometimes you must carefully take it apart one piece at a time. And sometimes the best thing to do is to go around it and find a different way.

How’s that for something new to say about Why I Can’t Write a Post Today?

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A Little Less Stress?

Posted on April 13, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Regular readers (Hi, Rick!) know I have spent the week in a state of stress over what ought to be a stress-relieving treat, namely a wine tasting trip to the Finger Lakes with certain female members of my family. I thought I might take Lame Post Friday to give an update on my stress.

Full disclosure: I’m writing this on Thursday, hoping to alleviate a little stress on Friday. I wrote Thursday’s post on Wednesday, Wednesday’s and Tuesday’s posts on Monday. I don’t remember what I wrote on Tuesday.

This morning WKTV News (out of Utica, NY) declared that it was Stress Free Thursday. Considering that I have spend Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday kvetching about the stress I’m under, I felt this spoke directly to me.

Bill Kardas, the weatherman, said life is too short to stress about things. This, I thought later, while not half-baked in itself, could lead me to some some half-baked philosophy suitable for Lame Post Friday.

“Life’s too short” is a reason many people use for many things. I like it. I think as a reason I like it even better than “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” my most often used reason. I daresay nobody but me remembers, but regarding the first wine tasting trip I took with my sisters, I explained, “Under the heading Life’s Too Short, we decided to do this and set a date.”

The occasion was my grandfather’s funeral. There is nothing like a funeral to point out how short life is and how important family is. Oh dear, now I’m getting sentimental as well as philosophical. That’s deadly.

I was gearing up to philosophize (half-bakedly, of course) about how we cause our own stress, as in, “I’m really stressing out over this.” But now I’m feeling all cuddly and soft. Well, one can’t always plan how one is going to feel.

This is Lame Post Friday, after all (or it will be when I publish this). I’m allowed to be random. I hope you all have a stress free weekend.

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Gone Fishin’ — I Mean Wine Tasting

Posted on April 13, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I had a minor tirade on Non-Sequitur Thursday, some truly half-baked philosophy for Lame Post Friday, now I have to come up with something for Saturday.

Astute readers (I’m sure that includes all you lovely people) will realize I am writing this on Thursday, in hopes of getting my blog posts typed in and set to publish ahead of time. This will enhance my ability to enjoy the upcoming Finger Lakes Wine Tasting tour I am embarking upon with some of my family.

My favorite kind of Saturday post is Running Commentary. Unfortunately, I have not run and have no time to run now. I hope to take my dog, Tabby, for a walk sometime this evening. However, I want to write this post NOW (on a break at work, so, no, I can’t drop the pen, take a quick hike and go on). I suppose I could make something up and pretend I took a walk or even a run, but this really isn’t that kind of a blog.

So, what, am I going to write a post about What I Can’t Write a Post About? Is that better or worse than a post about Why I Can’t Write a Post Today? To answer that question would require some half-baked philosophy suitable for Lame Post Friday. Well, I’ve posted lame on a Saturday before. I’ve even had Wrist to Forehead Saturday on occasion. I’m afraid what I’m coming up with right now, though, is a new feature: I Got Nuthin’ Saturday.

Well, I’ve taken blogger sick days before. A co-worker suggested I call in sick on Friday in order to leave early for my Finger Lakes adventure. Since I have been talking about going wine tasting all week, I thought that would be bad policy. Likewise, no blog reader will believe I am suddenly ill (unless it is stress related; anybody could believe that).

So call it a personal day. Or what happens when one tries to write three blog posts in one day. I won’t work on Sunday’s post till tomorrow at the earliest. In the meantime, as you read this (if anybody is still reading), I might be raising a glass with a tiny taste of wine in it to you, my lovely readers. Cheers.

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Can’t Say All the Syll

Posted on April 12, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I would like to spend today’s Non-Sequitur Thursday on a minor tirade in defense of three syllable words. I don’t know that there’s anything particularly non-sequiturish about it, but it is what happened to come out of my pen.

Full disclosure: I am actually writing this on Wednesday, in my on-going quest to lessen my busy week stress. I’m not sure it’s working.

So here’s my question: When did people get too lazy to say all three syllables of a word? Some time ago I got annoyed when sportscasters started calling Syracuse “The ‘Cuse.” I think this really started on t-shirts and bumper stickers. That’s where I saw it first. Then the sportscasters started in and I realized Syracuse as I know it is doomed.

And you notice how they put the cool “the” at the beginning. Hello! You shorten the word by two syllables but add a one syllable word. That’s a net savings of only one syllable. And one could argue that since it’s adding a whole other word, it’s not a savings at all.

Also, nobody spends time with their family any more. It’s “the fam.” That one’s all over Facebook. Statuses share how somebody had a great time with “the fam.” This one’s not even a net savings, because it’s typed. T-h-e-space is one more keystroke than i-l-y. So these folks are just being cool.

The example that got me to write about this foolishness comes from my beloved cable television. A cheesy series which shall here remain nameless invited its most loyal viewers to purchase “merch” from their online store. For heavens’ sake MERCH? Why don’t you just say “stuff”? “Things”? At least she didn’t say “the merch.” If she had, I could have suggested “items.”

I think part of the problem is we’ve all gotten too cool for school. Sarcasm is our default setting, and we just can’t be bothered. Well, there are things I can’t be bothered with, too, but yet I can usually manage to say an entire word.

Oh, one exception: I rather enjoy the expression “Not no mo’.” Of course, that’s not even saving a syllable, just an “r” sound, which is not really a very burdensome sound to make. I just think it sound cool. So, YES, I, too, succumb to the lure of seeming cool. Point and laugh if you must (and I know some of you must) (you know who you are).

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Attack of the 50 ft. Cheesy Movie

Posted on April 11, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Spoiler Alert! Although I must say, I don’t know how much you can really spoil about a movie titled Attack of the 50 ft. Woman. I mean, doesn’t that kind of tell you everything that happens?

I know they did a re-make of Attack of the 50 ft. Woman (1958), so I thought that meant it must have been a “good” movie. I put good in quotes because I’m not sure what it means in this context either. At least I was afraid it would not be cheesy enough for my purposes. I need not have worried.

The movie opens on a newscast about UFO sightings. The newscaster thinks the whole thing is a joke or else that all the sighters are crazy. He tracks the sightings on a globe (handily if inexplicably located right behind him), then declares with a smile that the spaceship should be right overhead soon.

This struck me as a big “Waaait a minute!” The alien ship is apparently sailing around the world. The newscaster shows with his finger that it was here, then here — a quarter of the globe away. Then it stops and STAYS in California? Oh well, perhaps it’s not such a plot hole at that. Maybe California is a mecca for aliens and the ship was headed there all along (cue California jokes) (I hope any California readers have a sense of humor).

The movie continues not cheesily but sleazily, with a guy and girl making out in one of those movie “bar and grills” that really look more like a diner. It transpires that the guy’s wife has stormed out because the guy and girl made eyes at each other. It looked to me like the wife has a legitimate beef, but the guy — Handsome Harry is his name — feels all ill-used.

It seems he started dating the chippy (I’d call her the Blonde, but the Wife later refers to her as a redhead; you know these black and white movies) when he was separated from his wife. He let himself be talked into reconciling and regrets it. He went back because community property “only works for women.” We later find out it’s all her money anyways. What a slime bucket gold digger! I couldn’t wait for the wife to grow to 50 feet and kick his ass!

But wait is what I had to do. First Wife has to encounter the spaceship, which she calls a satellite but looked to me more like an orb. She’s driving down the highway at breakneck speed and slams on the brakes to keep from hitting it. When the giant comes after her (all we see is the hand), the car won’t start again and she runs away.

So right away I liked her better than your usual movie female, because she doesn’t just stand there and scream. She runs! Oh boy does she run! A little later when the unbelieving sheriff drives back with her to check it out, we get an idea of just how far she ran. In pumps, too! What a woman!

Naturally the satellite/orb and giant are gone, and a lot of time is wasted with Handsome Harry trying to prove Wife is crazy and Wife trying to get somebody to believe her. There are a couple of marginally interesting plot twists before she finally gets to be a giant husband-killing monster.

The effects are about what you would expect from a 1958 movie. The ending, too, is about what you expect to happen. I was sorry chippy didn’t meet a more dramatic fate, but one can’t have everything. In general I would label this a fun movie to make fun of.

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Musings at the Beginning of a Stressful Week

Posted on April 9, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

So I was all happy to be on eight hour days (at least for a day), because it gives me time in the morning to get a blog post written. And then I sit staring at the blank page, wishing I had brought a book to read.

Oh, I KNOW some of you saw that coming (and don’t the rest of you just hate know-it-alls?). It is a well known fact of writing that sometimes when you thing everything is ideal to Write, nothing comes out.

Ooh, ooh, it looks like I’ve backed into a Monday Middle-aged Musing. The problem is I’ve mused this before. Can I possibly think of anything new and different to say about it? A fresh insight. An enhanced perspective (and I don’t even have my thesaurus with me). The answer is I’ll never know, because I don’t remember what I said about it before. I haven’t the means to check that here and now as I write this. I will not have time later.

Actually, I have another musing to (I hope) entertain you with: I would make an outstanding homeless person. The more of my stuff I am carting around with me, the more comfortable I am. I think I would be quite content pushing around a grocery cart filled with all my worldly possessions.

Of course, I would have to get rid of about 90% of those possessions in order to fit everything in a grocery cart. Maybe I could get a Mary Poppins grocery cart (you know that scene in the movie where she reaches her whole arm into her bag and pulls out a coat rack, among other things).

The reason I think of this is that I may be going wine tasting this weekend with my family (some of the female members, at least). I may be spending the night before at Mom and Dad’s house, which obviously requires some packing. However, even if it was only a day trip, I am quite incapable of just grabbing my purse and going.

I must bring my notebook. And a book to read. Perhaps a change of shoes (although in a pinch, I can do without that). I will be happier if I bring my awesome large thermos with coffee. And a travel mug to drink said coffee. I want my crochet. I probably won’t crochet while riding to the wineries (I am emphatically not the designated driver), but I’ll want it at Mom and Dad’s house the night before. And at Diane’s house afterward.

I guess you could say I’m high maintenance. I could do some more musing on high maintenance people, but I kind of need to keep my posts short this week. I have rehearsal and a board meeting and exercise and a plethora of things to do to prepare for Saturday. In fact, I’ve said too much already (some may think I’ve said too much by having a blog at all, but I tend to doubt they are my regular readers).

Stay tuned as my stress level increases, or decreases if I actually manage to cross things off my list of stuff to do (ooh, cross off “write and type in Monday’s blog post.” Yes!).

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Dog Day Sunday

Posted on April 8, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

There were at least three previews of coming attractions in yesterday’s post. Well, they’re still to come. Today is Wrist to Forehead Sunday.

I normally go to the grocery store on Sunday. However, today I stayed home with a sick dog. Poor pooch. She did not want to go for a long walk, so I can’t make a pedestrian post. She’s feeling better now, but rain looks imminent. My dog does not like to go for a walk in the rain.

I spent some time this morning cleaning and doing laundry. I know I did a cleaning post once, after previously threatening to do so. Alas, my adventures in housework today were less than blogworthy.

Eventually my headache and nausea (did I mention the dog wasn’t the only one feeling ill?) got the better of me. I sat down in front of the television with my knitting. Unfortunately, it was not to watch a cheesy horror movie. I don’t have the mental energy to write a post about a cheesy horror movie anyways (I did mention it is Wrist to Forehead Sunday).

One memorable event: When Steven came home from work, we went to the Stables, home of Ilion Little Theatre, to check out the progress on his set. In case anyone forgot or never knew, Steven is directing Dirty Work at the Crossroads, although he is incapable of building his own set. So far so good. Tabby liked it. I’m only sorry I don’t know how to post a photo. And that I don’t have the right kind of camera to take a photo. Future improvements to work towards.

I see that I am over 250 words. A respectable length for a Wrist to Forehead Sunday, I think. I’ll work on some of those coming attractions.

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Finally Back to Running

Posted on April 7, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

Running Commentary is back, at least for today.

I had started running again in February, but I allowed myself to be discouraged by the weather, which turned cold and snowy. And I gave in to my discouragement. This is what I reflected on partway through my run: I gave in to discouragement. It is difficult to avoid feeling discouraged at times, but we must carry on. And I don’t mean cry and carry on, but I’ve done that too.

Be that as it may, I didn’t get to run till this afternoon, largely because I had made a plan to go shopping with my sister, Cheryl. We wanted to purchase new outfits to wear when we go wine tasting next weekend (preview of coming attractions). As often happens when I try on clothes, I felt fat. But I found a wicked good bargain at a consignment store in New Hartford, NY (another preview of coming attractions).

I figured, no problem, shop in the morning, run in the afternoon. It’ll be warmer in the afternoon anyways. It was supposed to get up to almost 60. Woohoo!

When I got home it was time for lunch, so I ate. Then I remembered that HALO (Helping Animals Live Organization) was having their trash to treasures sale till four. I had to help out the kitty-cats, so I hurried down (yet another preview of coming attractions).

And was very annoyed that it was STILL cold! What’s that all about? The sun was bright, but the wind was mean. I felt very ill-used.

Still, feeling fat is some motivation. Also, there is a 5K May 4 for Spring Farm Cares I kind of said I would run in (yes, another preview of coming attractions). Feeling a little sad not to put on shorts and a short-sleeved t-shirt, I found some long johns and a long-sleeved Army t-shirt that is good to run in. For one thing, it is long enough to cover my butt, which nobody needs to see.

The long johns are white with pink and blue flowers. I like to wear them under skirts. Then I can say to people, “You wanna see my underwear? Woowoo!” Lifting my skirt over one knee. Always gets a laugh.

So I set out. It wasn’t too bad in the sun. I thought I should remember this in a couple months when I’ll be trying to run entirely in the shade. Ah, perspective. At least the sidewalks were completely bare and dry. Let us always be thankful when we can.

I ran the hill by Valley Health. And said hello to a fellow in a cool cowboy hat headed towards his car. He said hi. Coming down the hill, I waved at a phone company guy in a cherry picker on his way down from doing something to the wire. He said hello. I do like to greet people.

There is a light where the street whose name escapes me (where I ran up the hill) crosses German. Would it stay red? Would it turn green? Would that big truck heading towards it wait if it did turn green? These moments of suspense add to the enjoyment of my run. The truck turned right, making the debate a moot point, and the light stayed red with no further traffic in sight.

I ran by the high school, then thought to go down the street near the athletic fields. Unfortunately, I saw a group of young people on that street near their cars (it is kind of parking area as well as a street). I thought about my flowered long johns and went another way.

My run ended up lasting 30 minutes. Since I had not run in about a month, I thought that was pretty bold. More importantly, it proved I can run a 5K. At least, at the rate I was going, it would no doubt take me longer to run five kilometers. However, if I can run 30 minutes, I can run 40. I just won’t stop.

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A Lame Brand of Rotten

Posted on April 6, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

It has been a rotten day. And a rotten blogging day as well. I spent the day enduring one petty annoyance after another, most of them caused by myself, which of course makes it worse. They were all petty! None of them were funny! And I don’t feel like writing about them!

But here is what I did write at work, little realizing I was only at the beginning of my travails:

I am so mad at myself. I left the house this morning saying, “I feel like I’ve forgotten something,” and, what do you know, for once I did. My stupid purse! Because I’m stupid!

I know, there is no point in jumping to global conclusions about my mental capacities just because of one little brain fart. But still.

So there’s my random observation for this Lame Post Friday: I’m stupid. and my half-baked philosophy as well: no point in jumping to conclusions. I guess I’m done.

I’ll just add my usual explanation for the benefit of new readers (if any) and old readers who may have forgotten (I don’t expect people to keep track of ALL my silliness) that Lame Post Friday is the day I indulge in random observations and half-baked philosophy.

That was all I managed to write while at work. My day went downhill from there as I continued to make stupid mistakes and suffer petty grievances, none of which rate mentioning here. I mean, it’s one thing to suffer one stupid problem after another when you know you are going to at least get a humorous blog post out of it. Not today. It was a lame bad day.

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