Category Archives: humor

Snowman Rant

Posted on December 7, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I suppose one could find a metaphor for life in my problem. One could say, with a philosophical shrug, you snooze, you lose. One could say sententiously that you have to take advantage of the good things in life when they are available, because you never know when they will be taken away from you.

Frankly, I think the last mentioned person is overstating the case, and is a trifle obnoxious to boot. We’re not talking about spending time with my parents or taking my dog for a walk (both of which I ought to do more often, but that’s another rant). It’s just… we want one of those plastic light up snowmen for the front of our house.

These plastic light up decorations have been around for as long as I can remember, which is pretty far back, because I have not lost my entire mind yet. My family never had one when I was growing up. For one thing, the guy that plowed our driveway used to pile all kinds of snow in our front yard. Great for minor sledding, King of the Hill and other fun in the snow. For decorating the front lawn, not so much. And we almost never used our front door, so there was no compelling reason to shovel the front porch and decorate that.

When Steven and I bought our house, we hung lights on the front porch for the holidays almost as a matter of course. I’m pretty sure we didn’t discuss “should we?” Actually, when it comes to Christmas the word “should” rarely arises, unless it’s a the sentence such as, “Of course we should; it’s Christmas!”

We got a plastic lighted Santa when I saw some that looked old fashioned. The one I picked looks similar to a Santa candle my Mom has had as long as I can remember (as I said: a long time). I surprised Steven with it one day when he was at work and I was off. I walked to the store and walked home with Santa under my arm and felt pretty cool doing it. We were content with our Santa for a number of years (probably five; who counts these things?), but this year, Steven suddenly conceived the desire for a snowman to keep Santa company. I liked the idea.

Do you think we can find a plastic light up snowman anywhere? Nobody has them! We’ve checked department stores, hardware stores, consignment stores, thrift stores, every place I could think of. It’s all huge blow up things or wire with little bulbs. Both very nice in their own way, I suppose, but Not What I Want. One place had two plastic light up decorations: Snoopy and a penguin. Neither is right as a companion for our Santa.

As to why we did not buy a snowman when they were readily available, I have no reason. It never occurred to me to want one till Steven suggested it this year. And now I WANT one!!! And it’s not like I want one only because we can’t find one: we got the idea before we started looking.

A voice in my head says, “It’s no fair!” A singularly useless observation. We all know that Christmas is not fair. Look at all the rotten brats that get lots of great presents. And some well behaved angels get crap. OK, I don’t personally know any well behaved angels (I’m certainly not one), but I’ve heard.

I can’t even make a real snowman, because there isn’t any snow. I’ve only made about three snowmen in my life. The most memorable was when I was a little girl. I needed my Mom’s help, because I rolled the snowballs too big. I named him, with no sense of irony, Mr. Snowman. He lasted a long time, especially since my little brother (no angel himself) did not knock him down.

We will not have a completely snowman-less Christmas. We have, in fact, a rather extensive collection of indoor snowmen. And it may snow so I can try my hand again. But for the rest of my life, I’m afraid I will recall 2011 as The Year We Couldn’t Find a Plastic Light Up Snowman.

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Sunday Run

Posted on December 5, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Today I’m going to do what I have previously done on some Saturdays: I ran this morning and now I’m going to blog about it.

It was actually afternoon by the time I finished my run and cool down, because it was 11:33 when I started (that’s my time obsession; I can’t say 11:30 when I looked at my watch and it was 11:33). I didn’t feel too much like running. However, I ran yesterday with a sinus headache and it turned out pretty good, so I thought, “Hey, can’t hurt, might help.”

Yesterday I was totally going to let myself off the hook because of the headache. For one thing it was cold and the cold always exacerbates these things. However, I actually felt like running. I ended up feeling pretty terrific. The headache even left me while I ran. It came back later, but whatever.

Today I did not have a headache, but I was lightheaded, which can be worse. I didn’t feel like doing anything but lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Steven, on the other hand, was dreadfully ambitious. He cleaned the kitchen and was preparing to hang Christmas lights on the front porch. I told him, “I’m going in and I’m either going to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling or put on sports bras and go running.”

I tried the first and it was kind of boring and guilt inducing, so I sought out some running clothes. It had been quite chilly when we went to the grocery store this morning, so I left on my long johns and searched till I found my army long sleeved PT tee shirt. My long johns are a thin silky feeling polyester, not the heavy long johnny looking ones I also wear on occasion. I thought they’d be OK.

It was a bright, sunny day. The sun had gotten brighter, the wind had died down, and it seemed to be quite a bit warmer. Of course I did not realize this till I was actually on the sidewalk running. Damn! I prefer to run in bicycle shorts and short sleeves when possible. Well, my outfit was not too warm for the occasion. I tried to stay on the shady side of the street.

Still, it was not a particularly fun run. Every step was an effort. I’ve had these runs before; I know how to persevere. I persevered, confident I would eventually get to the “I can rock this” stage of the run. And I persevered some more. Finally I thought, “Well, so what? It isn’t going to be that long of a run; if the whole thing’s no fun, so be it. I’m still burning calories and building up my run time.”

I passed a group of young people, maybe college age. I saw them coming a block and a half away and hoped they would go somewhere else. Then again, I thought, why should I worry. They probably weren’t even noticing me. If they did, they were probably thinking, “Look at that old lady jogging. She should be home knitting.” I agreed. I wondered if they thought I should also have a glass of wine and watch Snapped. By now my run was getting to be a little more fun, because I was distracting myself with silly thoughts.

I made note of Christmas decorations, as I hope to take a walk after dark with Steven and Tabby and look at lights. Christmas decorations are not as charming in the bright sunlight with no snow, I thought. But still pretty charming. I was glad Steven was getting our decorations up.

As I approached the house, I hoped Steven would still be on the porch to say, “Go past the house.” You see, Steven told me the story of when he was a boy, riding with his nieces and nephews in the back of his dad’s pick up truck (this was the olden days, when kids rode in the backs of pick up trucks and nobody said anything). When they would get close to the house, they would chant, “Go past the house! Go past the house!” When I run, I sometimes have to go past the house a ways in order to run for the length of time I intend to. I say “Go past the house!” to myself, but I think it would be nice if Steven was on the porch to say it. I thought if he was on the porch today, I would yell, “Say it!” and hope he knew what I meant. Alas, he was not there. I went past the house anyways.

I felt pretty terrific after my run, when Tabby and I were walking around the block for my usual cool down. And I see I have gotten a rather lengthy blog post out of it. Rock on, me!

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Better Lame than Never

Posted on December 3, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought of that headline two days ago, and I still don’t know what I’m going to write.

Oh dear, here’s an odd thing. Usually once I put pen to paper, words just magically come out. Today not so much. A similar thing happened yesterday. A short post was the result. Not that that’s a bad thing.

I won’t say I’ve got Writer’s Block. For one thing, it’s more like Writer’s Blank. I’ll never forget one time in a restaurant I was reading a book called On Writer’s Block by Victoria Nelson (Houghton Mifflin, 1993) (A really good book, by the way). This kind of scummy looking older woman asked me why I was reading it and I, rather stupidly (I admit), said it was because I had writer’s block.

“The cure for writer’s block is to write,” she said in a smug tone of voice. “You just write.”

To this day I wish I had said, “How many books have you written?” in a respectful, interested tone of voice. I’m thinking she wrote a lot of stupid journals and bad poetry. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that; I write stupid journals and bad poetry myself. It can be fun. But it’s nothing to be smug about.

And that brings me to another memory of a writer (thinking of bad poetry, not being smug). When I was in college about a hundred years ago, I noticed that the school paper often printed poems by this girl whose name now escapes me. I did not admire her poetry. It was the kind of stuff many of us wrote when we were young: basically our thoughts, feelings or observations with the line breaks in poetry-like places. Full disclosure: I wrote quite a bit of it myself. I was not as prolific as this girl, but I thought my stuff was better (it probably wasn’t but as I have no examples of either to hand I can’t say which was worse).

Eventually I met the girl. She was so nice! And very cool, a definite personality. I certainly did not tell her I didn’t like her poetry. That wouldn’t be nice, and after all, it’s all a matter of taste. And it may have led her to say something disparaging about mine. When poetry came up, she said, “Oh, I write all the time. Journals and journals, poems and poems.” I don’t remember the exact quote, but I’m pretty sure of the phrase “journals and journals.” It impressed me. I had never been able to stick with writing a journal (journaling wasn’t a verb in those days, and it was a good decade and a half before the TV Journal). Prolificness always impresses me (I don’t think prolificness is really a word, but you know what I mean). I strive for it and always fall short.

But here is an encouraging thought for me: I am approaching 200 blog posts. That means I have written something every day for almost 200 days. Perhaps I could become prolific in my old age, or maybe even my middle age (where I am now, I think). Even though some of my posts have been pretty lame (Lame Post Friday, anyone?). Now how do you like that? By babbling on and following my stream of consciousness (babbling brook of consciousness?), I’ve come right back and made my silly headline appropriate. Bring on the weekend!

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The TV Journal

Posted on December 1, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I’m thinking of starting a feature called Mid-Week Nonsense. Kind of an acknowledgement that Friday is not the only day that I get a little silly.

This by way of introduction to today’s topic: Steve’s and my TV Journal. You see, yesterday when I wrote “I had coffee instead,” I meant to write “I had coffee and wrote in the TV Journal.” But I thought that some readers might be unfamiliar with the TV Journal. Then I thought, “I could write a whole post on the TV Journal!” Then I went back to writing yesterday’s post.

The TV Journal came into being back in 2001 because I thought we were watching too much television. I said, “We’re going to buy a notebook and write down everything we watch.” I figured it would be kind of like a food journal, which some dieters swear by although I have never been able to stick to. I thought that after a week or so of noticing that all we watched were Friends re-runs and E! True Hollywood Story, we’d either turn off the TV or maybe class up our viewing habits.

Well, that didn’t happen. What happened was, we started to enjoy writing about what we were watching. We wrote plot summaries and commentary. We noted headlines on the news. I scribbled recipes from Mr. Food. It was fun! Soon we were also writing down what we did in addition to watching television.

At this point in the narrative, sometimes somebody says, “So it’s a journal,” in a dismissive tone of voice, like they’re tired of hearing the story and I’m kind of stupid for being so fascinated by it. If that is your reaction, you might like to stop reading now, because I am going to continue to expound on the TV Journal.

Another reaction I got once was, “Wow. Glad I have a life.” What an asshole thing to say! Anyways, it wasn’t true. I’d been listening to that guy gripe all weekend. He had no life.

Sometimes I think the TV Journal could one day be a primary source for historians. Steven wrote some rather pungent commentary on that slimy politician who was involved in the Chandra Levy tragedy. And there are pages and pages of what went on September 11, 2001. So the TV Journal has its serious moments as well.

It’s is also a way to communicate, especially when Steven and I work different hours. I can come home and read what he was up to, what he was thinking about, etc. It’s almost like writing an ongoing letter to each other. Other family members have added their two cents to the Journal when they’ve been at our house. It is usually readily available on one of our coffee tables.

Sometimes we slack off of writing in the TV Journal, but we always go back to it. And now that I have explained about it in the blog, I needn’t be shy of mentioning it. So don’t be surprised if on the next Lame Post Friday you read, “All I felt like doing was watching World’s Dumbest and writing in the TV Journal!”

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Short Run, Short Post

Posted on November 29, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

I said I would run Sunday and blog about it Monday, so that motivated me. The warm weather was further motivation. Fifty degrees! Woohoo! I was on my way!

As it turns out, I needed all the motivation I could get, because almost as soon as I started my body began to complain. “What’s this?” my legs said. “You took Tabby for a half hour walk. Isn’t that enough exercise?” And they immediately lodged a request that I not run up any hills. Well, that was just too bad, because there was no traffic on German Street. That is my sign that I should cross the street and run up the hill by Valley Health Services. Sometimes it is the sign that I should run up the hill to Herkimer County Community College, but I haven’t been running much lately.

When I got to Valley Health, I saw a pedestrian couple headed that way from another direction. There was some more motivation. It’s one thing when I am behind a pedestrian and it takes me a long time to catch up. When I am ahead of a pedestrian, it would be just embarrassing for them to catch up with me.

Valley Health is not on that high or steep of a hill, so I made it OK. After the hill I reached the “I can rock this” stage of the run. At least, I said, “I can rock this,” to which my body replied, “OK, but not for too long.” Ah well, we build up slowly. Increase by 10% per week, the guy at the Sneaker Store told me. I guess my next goal is to keep running for more than a week. I’ll let you know how that goes.

So my Sunday run was not too bad, in spite of my petty complaints. I am happy to be back into running. I hope to soon have more exciting runs to report.

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Mohawk Valley Motivation

Posted on November 28, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

It seems I am always beginning to run again. It makes me a little embarrassed, because some people think I Run a Lot, and I hate to disillusion them. The embarrassment, of course, gives me motivation: I must run, because so and so think I do.

If I do stop running for a while, I try not to let myself get discouraged. Some people, when they try things and fail, think, “Oh, well, that didn’t work,” and never try again. A big example of this is quitting smoking. I know a lot of smokers who say, “Oh, I tried to quit. I can’t.” But it isn’t true. The more times you try to quit, the better chance you have of ultimately succeeding. For one thing, you learn what doesn’t work. Or what works for a while, and you just have to figure out how to make it keep working.

I think a lot of things are like that, most notably for this blog post: running. I’ve stopped running many times since I first started, and I always go back to it eventually. Sometimes more successfully than others. I try to build on my successes.

So the day after Thanksgiving, I went running for the first time in over two weeks. My nephew Tommy went with me. Tommy does not run much, although he has to run sometimes in connection with his karate classes, which, incidentally, he does very well in. He says he may run the Boilermaker with me in July. And there we have two more motivations to run: a run buddy and a future goal. I couldn’t very well back out of running once Tommy was lacing up his shoes. And the vision of July’s Boilermaker definitely kept my feet moving a little longer.

I ran the next day by myself. I enjoyed both runs very much. In fact, as I write this, my body seems to want to run again right now, although I have a bit of a sinus headache. I suppose some would advise me to lie down until the feeling passes, and they mean the urge to run, not the sinus headache. Is that the kind of humor I want to encourage?

There is a good chance I will run after I finish typing this blog post. There is also a good chance I’ll blog about it tomorrow, because I haven’t done much else Mohawk Valley-ish today. And there we have my ultimate motivation to run: it helps keep my blog in business. Stay tuned!

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My Black Friday

Posted on November 26, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Subtitled Fun with Family.

You might think Mohawk Valley Girl would be out on a day like Black Friday, checking out local retailers or community events. Sorry if I disappoint you. I had plans to spend the holiday at my parents’ house in Rome (at least it was still in the Mohawk Valley).

Steven was all set to experience his first Black Friday behind the cash register at Wal-Mart. I confess to being a little worried about him. My husband is a sweet, mellow guy. He is not up to combating the dastardly behavior of bargain shoppers. At least he had Thanksgiving Day off. We had a lovely day, then he went home to recruit his energy while I stayed on to continue partying with the family (I like the use of “party” as a verb; I find it descriptive).

I went running in the morning with my nephew Tom. Tom, of course, ran the DARE 5K with me — that is, ahead of me — in August (ah ha ha, snuck in another mention of the DARE 5K!). I’ll do a running blog tomorrow, perhaps. For now, I’ll just mention that we ran across a bridge over the Mohawk River.

Later in the morning, my Mom, sister Victoria and I went to the grocery store (for some reason, I like to refer to my older sister as Victoria, although I usually call her Vicki). Vicki (see?) needed supplies for the chili she was making, and Mom needed a few things. I’ll tell you what: the grocery store is the Place to Be on Black Friday. No crowds! Everybody we encountered was polite. We had a nice conversation about lemon cake with a lady in the baking goods aisle. Next year, everybody on my list is getting groceries for Christmas. After the grocery store, we crossed the street to the drug store so I could purchase some sinus medication I had unaccountably left at home (I later found it on my living room coffee table).

York Liquors, we discovered, is handily located next to the drug store on Black River Boulevard (or The Boulevard as Rome residents tend to call it). We though we’d just peek in. York’s has a nice selection of New York State wines. We pointed out to each other all the wineries we had been to. Mom was pleased to discover she could get some of her favorites without returning to the winery. I should perhaps mention that many local liquor stores now carry New York State wines. Some excellent wines are being made close to home (well, my home; I guess I don’t know how far away some of my readers live).

And how was Steven’s Black Friday going? As it happens, not too bad. By the time he started at 8:30 a.m., it was pretty much a typical Friday. He and other cashiers actually had time to do some straightening. I understand some shoppers behaved badly at some Wal-Marts (notably in Rome, we heard), but Steven luckily did not encounter anything alarming. He was even able to make it out of the parking lot and go home for lunch. That was one of my main concerns, given my terror of parking lots, especially during the Christmas shopping season (Victoria drove on our little shopping expedition; she has no fear).

So now I guess it’s on to Christmas! Let’s see what kind of Mohawk Valley fun I can find to blog about in the next month.

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Post-Thanksgiving Lame

Posted on November 26, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Thank goodness it’s Friday and I can legitimately do a Lame Post. I am not up to anything else.

I don’t have any random obversations about Thanksgiving. And I don’t believe I did anything to celebrate the day that rates any kind of mention. Oh, Steven and I did bring Heidelberg Bread, made in Herkimer, NY, from grains grown in New York State. Of course, the hit of the day was my Uncle Tom’s pumpkin bread, baked, I believe, in his North Syracuse kitchen. So much for Thanksgiving.

I have one random observation that has been knocking around my head for a couple of weeks now. I’ll share it with you, and you can judge its lameness for yourself. I heard this credited to Nancy Reagan and a few others: A woman is like a tea bag: you never know how strong she is till you put her in hot water. I think that is kind of a dumb thing to say. I mean, take a look at a used tea bag. According to that saying, put me (a woman) in some hot water, I’ll end up soggy, squished up and useless, but the water will taste pretty good. Some people just should not attempt metaphor.

And that’s all I got. Pretty sad for a holiday weekend I actually have off. But give me a minute, I’ll try to come up with something else… Maybe I could think of a better comparison for a woman. A woman is like a bottle of wine. If she ‘s good quality, she’ll get better with age. Otherwise, she’ll turn to vinegar, which you can still use to make salad dressing.

I don’t know who originally said No life is wasted; you can always stand as a bad example. I take great comfort in that thought. So I feel that this blog post is not wasted. It can stand as a bad example. And I will try to do something Mohawk Valley-ish by the end of today, so I can have a better post for tomorrow.

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Halloween for Thanksgiving?

Posted on November 24, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Some people say we should make the spirit of Christmas last all year. I like to make the spirit of Halloween last all year. Last night, I had a couple of Halloween-y experiences I’d like to share.

I gave my schnoodle, Tabby, a bath, because we’re going on a visit for Thanksgiving. Of course, that was more scary for her than for me, but she survived and even forgave me. The point was, I could not just let her run in the muddy backyard to take care of business. I had to put her on the leash and make her stay pretty much on the sidewalk. She’s a good dog and pretty much complied.

I don’t mind walking in the dark. I strolled down the street, looking forward to the Christmas lights we’ll see in the coming weeks. Soon Tabby was ready to head home.

When Steven took down our Halloween decorations, he left out a couple of scarecrows as being appropriate for Thanksgiving. One is rather large. Steve stuck his post into the ground in front of the porch, propping it with some large rocks and letting Scarecrow lean back on the brick pillar. Well, Scarecrow had leaned forward. There are no streetlights right near my house. It’s a little dark. All I saw was an almost person-sized figure lurking near my front porch. Eek!

My alarm was short lived. Then I merely admired the eerie quality of the crazily leaning decoration. As we walked up the driveway (we always go in the back door), I had my second fright when I heard a deep male voice coming from inside my house. Eek!

Had I left the television on? No, I hadn’t turned the television on! The voice sounded calm… and familiar… Oh. It was the answer machine, coincidentally located near the window we were passing under. I’m so silly!

It was actually a pretty enjoyable fright. But I would be glad when Steven got home. After all, you only scare yourself when you’re alone, right?

Later on, after Steven was home and it was getting closer to bedtime, I thought I’d take Tabby out for her last business meeting of the day.

It was cloudy out. I know the moon has been very bright these last few days, and I thought I saw it glowing through the clouds. Wait! It moved! Was that my eyes playing tricks on me? Damn bifocals! No, an amorphous blob of light was moving back and forth. Steven had to see this. I went to the front door and knocked (I mentioned we rarely use the front door, right?). I had to knock twice and Tabby had to bark, but we got Steven’s attention. He came out on the porch and was equally impressed by the ghostly glow.

As we observed it, we saw its movements were fairly regular, and you could almost, sort of see that the light continued groundward. It must have been a beacon, we thought. It was still mysterious, because we don’t know of any beacons in the area. And it added a fillip of interest to my walk, thinking it just might be something else.

So those were my Halloween adventures the night before Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to see what happens at Christmas!

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Pre-Thanksgiving Lame

Posted on November 24, 2011 by mohawkvalleygirl

Either I’m tired of writing about our Saturday adventures, or I’m in Friday mode.

Actually, I’m fortunate to be in any mode at all other than a time warp. For me it is Friday, Thursday and Wednesday. With a little bit of post-birthday let-down thrown in (oh, I like writing these lame posts; so self-indulgent).

Friday, obviously, because I have tomorrow off (and the long weekend — woohoo — but more about that later); Thursday, because it is payday; and Wednesday, because of the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. See, there are a couple of fellows at my work who do the crossword puzzle in the Utica OD on break. Sometimes I butt in and help them. The puzzles get more difficult as the week wears on, so some weeks they don’t even need my help before Friday (and, yes, some days I am no help at all anyways). It is rather a joy on Friday to help with a challenging puzzle at lunch and have to continue during the two o’clock break. Such a triumph when we finish it.

I’d like to add a thought about my delightful four day weekend. Some people would tell me to quit gloating, because they have to work. To those people I would explain, with a nod to S.J. Perelman, shut up. (Actually, I rarely tell anybody to shut up, because I don’t like being told that myself. But it is an old S.J. Perelman line: “‘Shut up,’ the policeman explained.”)

I worked all weekends when I had a retail job, and many holidays when I was in the army. And, yes, it kind of sucked hearing the 9 to 5ers gloat on a Friday (or that November Wednesday) (or even Tuesday). But I really didn’t blame them. And I hope nobody blames me.

And while I’m rattling on (lame post, after all), I’m sure there are people who work, and/or have worked, longer, crappier and more hours than me. Sorry, guys. There are people who work way less than me, or even not at all (you know who you are). I can’t control these things!

I guess I say all this to cover my butt. To obviate the need for anybody to jump in and say, “Well I work blah blah so shut up!” (in that squeaky tone of voice people use when imitating a generic annoying person). And maybe I feel a little guilty for being so gleeful about my imminent four day weekend, and I don’t want to. I guess all I can say is, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. And maybe I’ll get lame again when it’s really Friday. Happy Thanksgiving!

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