Tag Archives: depression

Wrist to Run

Posted on March 14, 2016 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was undecided whether to do a Wrist to Forehead Sunday post or another Running Commentary, so I thought I’d just start typing and see what comes out.

I kind of impressed myself by running two days in a row, because I really did not intend to.  I had a number of chores to attend to and no desire to attend to any of them.  Just to bring up my mental woes as a slight change from my physical ones, I am fighting another bout of depression.  My biggest symptom this time seems to be a huge case of Don’t Wanna Do Nothin’ (the double negative does not make a positive in this case).  Actually, I’ve been wondering lately if my physical problems don’t stem from that.  My body is obliging me with a nice bout of psychosomatics, giving me a marvelous excuse to, in fact, do nothing.

Be that as it may, I knew I must get some things done.  I went to the grocery store.  I did the dishes.  I began to make my prompt book for Leading Ladies (we begin blocking rehearsals on Tuesday).  I looked at the clock and realized I had time enough for a two hour nap before my husband would return home from work.  Yes!  Nap!  Just what I needed.  I forgot to mention that we have a murder mystery rehearsal at three.  I had forgotten it myself until Steven reminded me.

Naturally I could not sleep.  I’ve been having dreadful insomnia lately.  It is not the least bit unusual for me to have insomnia, so I did not let it bother me unduly.  As I gave up on the nap I remembered that I was also supposed to do laundry today. I gathered a load and threw it in the washer.  Ah, the joy of having a washer and drier on the premises.  While it washed I indulged in a check of Facebook and in reading several other blogs.

When Facebook got old and I got tired of reading blogs, I began to think about running.  It was just after noon.  I had plenty of time for the length of run I am currently up to.  I decided to do it.

Then remembered the laundry.  It was done by now, so I went down and put stuff in the drier, carefully pulling out stuff to hang on the bars upstairs.  As I brought them upstairs, I decided I really wasn’t feeling all that well.  I would not go running.  I hung up the non-drier items.  What would I do instead?  Contemplating the other chores awaiting me, running started to sound a lot more pleasant.

So  I went. It would be nice to report that I got a good dose of endorphins and felt terrific afterwards.  That does happen sometimes.  It did not happen this time.  However, no run is without its rewards.  If nothing else, one can feel satisfied that one ran at all.  I worked on my ability to persevere and keep going despite it being not all that much fun.  Of course, it’s never all Plod and Persevere.  I had several moments of feeling Not Bad At All.  And I hope I don’t have a reason to feel bad about this blog post.  Happy Sunday, everyone.

 

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Mid-Long Weekend Blues

Posted on March 6, 2016 by mohawkvalleygirl

Long weekends make for day to day confusion.  Wednesday I thought it was Friday.  Thursday I thought it was Saturday.  Friday I didn’t know what day it was.  Today I am similarly confused, although it feels suspiciously like Wrist to Forehead Sunday.

As you may have guessed, this is going to be a crappy post.

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a long weekend, and having a perfectly nice time about it, there are moments when you feel that you just don’t feel as wonderful as you feel you ought to feel.  And you can rarely make yourself feel other than what you damn well feel; I don’t care what the Facebook memes tell you you can do.

I’m not asking for sympathy, so stop playing those miniature violins with that unbearably superior fake-sympathetic look (really, you just can’t say some things to some people).  I know I’ll feel better subsequently.  My problem is, I want to write a blog post NOW, hit publish, and get on with my evening.

I got a lot of odds and ends done this morning and had a certifiable Mohawk Valley adventure this afternoon.  There is no reason to feel vaguely irritated, downright downhearted or any way other than satisfied and contented with my lot in life.  To remind me of this only increases my irritation and downheartedness by adding guilt to my other ills.

My best bet in these circumstances, I’ve found, is to just don’t worry about how I feel and drive on, getting done what I wanted to get done and trusting that things will change in due course.  My main thing to get done now is to publish a blog post (how’s this for a Freudian typo: I put “blot post”).  And here are over 250 words of nonsense that somebody might find mildly amusing.  Happy Saturday everyone and I hope to see you on Sunday, when I hope my wrist will not be on my forehead.

 

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Running through the Window

Posted on October 5, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Does that give you a dramatic image of a triumphant crashing through glass?  I’m afraid it isn’t quite like that.  However, I ran today and thought a Sunday Running Commentary might make a nice post.

Regular readers know I have been having the damnedest time getting back into running, which is a little ridiculous considering how much I love to run.  Well, I’ve been busy with community theatre commitments (as you may have read my blog posts about), dealing with physical problems (long story, not very interesting), and my ever-present depression.

Lately I have been more comfortable talking about my depression.  Part of me cringes when I bring it up, though, because, I think about those nay-sayers (some of whom, I admit, live in my own head) who think it’s not a real thing.

“Put on your big girl panties!” they say (I talked about that heinous expression in yesterday’s post). Also,  “Snap out of it!”  “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”  “Get over it!”  “Just do something.”

That last bit of advice is actually a good one.  It has been widely observed that doing something, almost anything, will often alleviate depression.  It is also a widely observed fact that those of us suffering from depression often feel we cannot manage anything further than staying in bed and pulling the covers further up over our heads (that is, our respective heads in our respective beds; if we were all in bed together, well, I leave that up to your imagination).

What I have found for myself is that it does NOT work to just force myself to do something.  Grit-teeth determination only gives me a sore jaw.  Beating myself up only makes me feel worse (although I am really good at it, so that ought to give a boost to my self-esteem).  I have to sort of back into these things.  For example, I can’t say to myself, “I HAVE to run.  I MUST run. I OUGHT TO run.  I SHOULD run.”  I sit home and stew over these exhortations.  However, if  I say, “It would be a good idea if I ran,”  I often find myself in my running gear and going.

I ran on Wednesday using these tactics.  I felt so good about myself.  I wrote a blog post about it on Thursday, which never got typed in and published due to computer glitches (perhaps you read my Non-Sequitur Thursday post about that) (I suppose I could publish it next week, suitably introduced).  Then I did not run Thursday, Friday or Saturday, and felt predictably disgusted with myself over it.

Oh the vicious cycle:  too depressed to run, not running making me even more depressed.  Then I logged onto WordPress to see a picture of muscular running legs on Return of the Modern Philosopher, a blogger I often read.  I scrolled down and read some other blogs.  I could not bear to read about someone else’s running triumphs.  I read some earlier posts instead, making comments as I like to do.

Of course in one of his posts, the Philosopher talked about running.  I made some silly comment, he replied. I logged on and off WordPress as the day wore on, to be confronted by those legs again and again.  Hmmm…

This morning I slept in, decided that I would walk today and ease back into running.  I got up, made coffee, got on the computer.  Now, I did not make coffee yesterday.  I am on my own for the weekend, because my nice husband, who makes the coffee I like best, is visiting his family.  I had tea.  Later in the day I heated up some day-old coffee that was still in the pot (I know, some of you are saying, “EW!” while others are nodding, “Yeah, I’ve done that.”).  This morning I wanted some fresh-brewed goodness.

Logging back into WordPress, I made a few more comments and replies, saw those legs again, drank my coffee and pondered my fate.  Finally I looked up and said, “Oh, I’m going to go running now.”

This is unusual for me.  Normally I run as soon as I get out of bed or home from work or not at all.  Those are my three choices.  I guess sometimes I go at other times, though, and today was one of them.

I did not get any of them there endorphins I hear so much about, BUT I felt terrific from the moment I started till the moment I finished.  I was just so proud of myself that I got out there and did it.  Why in the world did I wait so long?  Perhaps the euphoria was the result of my first real cup of coffee in two days.  I don’t care.  I’ll take my good moods however I can get them.

I pondered the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier, and I realized something.  In the prison of depression (just to choose a really dramatic metaphor), I can’t break through the ever-thickening walls.  I can’t beat up the guards to break free (the guards being those nay-sayers that live in my head, I guess).  But every so often, a small window opens, and I can sneak through that window.

So remember that, any of you who suffer from depression or just a little blue mood, and I shall try to remember it myself:  watch for the window.  When one opens, sneak through it out into the sunshine and fresh air.  I hope to see you there.

 

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Scattered but Sick Saturday

Posted on September 27, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Sorry, kids, but I feel like crap.  I’m going to give you a brief overview of my day, whine about my ills, and hit Publish.  That was your warning.  If you don’t want to listen to me whine, STOP READING NOW!!  SAVE YOURSELF!   (That last said in a sweeping dramatic tone with gesture, like the character in the disaster movie who sacrifices herself for others.) (I’m either taking myself pretty seriously here or else I’m being silly. You decide.)

I started this morning with Coffee and Conversation with a Cop at the First Baptist Church in Herkimer, NY.  This worthwhile community endeavor has been going on for a whole year now, and I support it wholeheartedly.  I intend to write a longer blog post about it. I had intended to do so today, but, well, shit happens.

Having eaten sweet yummy stuff at the church but not had breakfast, I was feeling a little upset of stomach.  I went home and had eggs,  thinking protein would counteract the sugar.  I guess it helped marginally.

I left the house shortly before noon, headed for Ilion Little Theatre (ILT).  I understood  that people would be working on the set for Lunch Hour starting at noon.  Lunch Hour, I believe I mentioned, is the first official offering of the ILT 2015-16 season.  I am stage manager.  Rehearsals have started and are going very well.  I chatted with the director about how well things are going, gave my opinion about a couple of set pieces under consideration, and other than that was not a whole lot of help.

That was when I started to feel like crap.  The lightheadedness that has plagued me lately came back.  I couldn’t handle it.  I went home.  After visiting with Steven when he came home for lunch (poor soul has to work most Saturdays), I took a nap.

And some more stupid stuff happened after I awoke, but never mind that now.  I am slowly becoming more open about admitting that I suffer from depression.  On the one hand, I think it is a good idea to become more open about these things, take away the stigma of mental illness, and encourage each other to seek help.  On the other hand, sometimes it feels like I am whining, asking for sympathy that I don’t necessarily deserve (although who can say what one truly deserves?  I’m asking seriously: who makes these rules? I’d like a word with them), or possibly seeking excuses to get less done than I might otherwise.

All that said, my depression has been making itself felt in full force for some time now.  Before I began this post, all I wanted to write was, “I am too depressed to write a post today.”  And look, I’m over 400 words.  I think I shall feel happy about that.  I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday.

 

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I Pause in Doing Chores to Write…

Posted on March 8, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Sometimes when you feel depressed, if you do a chore, and it makes you feel better. Sometimes it does not, but at least you got a chore taken care of. So you really have nothing to lose by doing the damn chore. No, making my blog post is not the chore I am thinking of. My blog is not a chore to me, I LIKE writing my blog, even when I can’t think up much to say.

The fact is, I am feeling down and have been for a while. I have mentioned that I suffer from depression. I don’t like to talk about it much, because I don’t want people to think I am looking for attention or trying to get out of doing things or — horror of horrors — just whining. Oh, well, I guess sometimes I am whining, don’t judge. But then I feel it might be good to mention it, in case somebody else might be feeling the same way. After all, a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved; a joy shared is a joy doubled.

I think a lot of us are feeling the winter blues. In addition to the well-documented Seasonal Affective Disorder, some of us have been trapped in the house when we want to get out and about. I mean, there is no point in taking your life in your hands on icy roads if you don’t have to. Or maybe you’ve spent so much time and energy shoveling and snowblowing you’re too tired to do anything (but if you have a working snowblower, color me envious!).

For me, the lack of exercise is getting to me big time. I’ve taken my lovely dog Tabby for a couple of walks the last few days, watching carefully that her paws do not become snow-encrusted (must get her a pair of those doggy booties all the well-dressed canines are wearing). I shoveled this morning, which I believe does count as exercise. I know, there are any number of exercises I can do in the house, no matter what the weather. Sometimes I actually do them. Sometimes I just incorporate more movement than strictly necessary into my chores. That can be fun. Full disclosure: sometimes I neither exercise nor do chores. Don’t judge.

If you are wondering what the point of this post is, I guess there isn’t one. However it is Wrist to Forehead Sunday. And expressing myself in my blog has made me feel better. Now I wonder if I shouldn’t do a few real chores…

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A More Serious Post

Posted on March 2, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

I can’t call this Wrist to Forehead Sunday, but I am too sad to write to write a proper post. I logged onto Facebook this morning to learn of a man’s suicide.

The man was not exactly a friend of mine, not even a Facebook friend. We were acquainted via a group (I shan’t mention which group, because I feel I should omit any potentially identifying details) which I enjoy very much. I would read his posts and comments with interest, and I always felt flattered when he would Like a comment I made. He was Facebook friends with my husband; they were in two groups together. He would sometimes comment on or Like Steven’s posts.

I just feel so unspeakably sad that this person I never physically met is not longer on the planet. I feel even more sad that it seems to be such a preventable death. Having struggled for many years with depression myself, I understand despair. I understand how difficult it can be to reach out for help. I can’t say I understand what this person was going through, because of course I don’t.

It is clear I have nothing wise and insightful to say. However, I will publish this anyways, because this is important. Suicide is a tragic waste of life. I don’t know what I can do about it, but I would like to figure out something.

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From Downer to Endorphins

Posted on March 12, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I suffer from depression. There, I’ve said it.

And having written it, I sit here and stare at the sentence, asking myself if this is really what I want to write a blog post about. Of course it’s not. In the first place, I’ve always said I like to keep my blog positive. Why would I want to write about a downer subject like depression?

Another problem is, a lot of people don’t “believe in” depression. “Oh, just get over it,” these people say. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”

Have you ever tried actually pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, or sneaker laces, as the case may be? I have not, but quite frankly, I can’t see it working. I’d probably end up flat on my back with my feet over my head, looking perfectly ridiculous. Might give anybody who happened to see it a good laugh, but I can’t see it doing me much good.

Almost worst is the well-meaning person who says, “Why are you depressed? You have a wonderful husband, an adorable dog. You have a house and a job,” etc. That makes me feel even more depressed, because what kind of a lowlife can’t be appreciative of Steve and Tabby?

So, no, this is not the blog post I want to be writing.

That was as much as I managed to write on my break at work. After work I went to Curves and worked out really vigorously. I burned a new record of calories, according to the computer. When I announced it to the other ladies, they cheered for me. I got a great shot of endorphins and endorsement! So I don’t feel depressed any more.

However, Steven and I have to be leaving soon to go to Ilion Little Theatre for second auditions for his show, Dirty Work at the Crossroads. Long time readers, if any, will remember that this show has been rescheduled from October to May. I don’t have time to write a new, un-depressed blog post. I have to shower and change.

Anyways, if nobody shows up for auditions, I will have a reason to be depressed. Stay tuned.

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