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Tag Archives: depression

Any Blog Post Etc. Etc.

I started to make a blog post last night but realized I was too tired. I start to make one just now and realize I am too depressed. I know, I know, one must write no matter what one’s mood. Still, this being a blog about my life, I feel my moods are relevant. And who wants to read a whole post about how depressed I am?

Well-meaning advisors might say, “Fine, you’re depressed. Write about that.” However, I have often found that writing about what bothers me does not have the cathartic effect one expects. Additionally, if I put it out on the internet for all to see, anybody can chime in with things like, “Oh, quit complaining, lots of people have it worse.” It is quite true, of course, but I already knew that and it doesn’t help.

What does seem to help is writing something, anything, because I feel somewhat better than I felt in the first paragraph. What’s that all about, me?

My conundrum now is whether or not I should publish this. I mean, I intend to publish it, under the heading Any Blog Post Is Better Than None, but, really, should I? It helped me to write it, but that does not mean it will entertain anybody to read it. Oh well, at the very least it might encourage others: “Look at that crap she published! At least my blog is better than that!” Thus I comfort myself and look to make a better blog post later.

So I Slacked

I try to make a very quick post as I watch the charge on my Tablet go ever lower. It probably will not be be a very good post, although I am not the best judge of these things. I mostly want to make an apology for not posting on Saturday (since I counted the post I made yesterday morning for Friday). We’ll call it a Slacker Saturday Post.

I only wrote post cards to my weekly regulars, nobody extra, and I wrote them later than I usually do. As a matter of fact, shortly after I made the blog post, I went back to bed and took a morning nap. I enjoyed it.

When I took my walk, it started to rain. Just a little mist, really, so I kept going. For one reason, I had to mail my post cards. My Garmin (actually a friend’s Garmin which he nicely loaned me) told me I walked a faster mile than previously, 20:53 yesterday, 23:39 last Sunday. I have to be careful about walking fast, because I easily give myself shin splints. I try to concentrate on walking heel to toe. That is what an army friend told me she did.

And that was the extent of my usefulness yesterday. Today I am getting a jump on being at least marginally more useful by putting in laundry in before getting on the Tablet. I mention it here to remind myself to put the clothes in the drier soon.

Now I see I am over 250 words. Score! Regarding the depression I mentioned yesterday, I have found that sometimes completing a blog post is also an anti-depressant.

In Fact, Most Advice Is Lame

Late Lame Post Friday posts are just going to be a thing. I offer no excuse. For one reason, all the writing advice givers say there is no excuse. Write Just Write, they say. I believe it is good advice, but like all advice, caveats apply. However, since for “caveats” some people read “excuses,” I will offer none of those either.

What will I offer? My favorite Lame Post Friday elements: random observations and half-baked philosophy! Perhaps I should go sit on my front porch so I can actually observe something other than my messy living room or the local news.

Is this an azalea?

Full Disclosure: I did not observe this bush just now. I am still sitting on my couch. I don’t have shoes on, and my husband, Steve, tells me it is chilly outside. This is a picture I took of a neighbor’s lawn sometime last month. I had deleted some pictures from my Media Library in hopes of freeing enough space for an illustrated Pedestrian Post, but WordPress only allowed me to download one new picture. It was rather a sore spot for me.

Another Full Disclosure: my depression is really kicking my butt these days. I always cringe a little when I admit that. I worry that I should just suck it up and not bother others with my problems which are in fact much fewer and smaller that those suffered by others. Then again, depression is a problem for many. If anybody told me they were suffering from depression, I would not, in fact, advise them to suck it up.

Now that I think about it, I am not sure I would offer any advice at all. For one reason, any advice I might give would come with caveats, and that just seems like a lot of trouble. I will give myself a little advice, however. I advise myself to take a walk. Exercise is a potent anti-depressant. It might also make a good blog post.

Who, Me? Whine About Not Posting?

Once again I have let days elapse without making a blog post. The question now is can I make a Tired Tuesday Post without whining too much? I guess another question is how much whining is too much? If the answer is “any whining at all is too much,” I am in big trouble.

At the risk of whining too much (and sharing too much), I will share that I have been having a hard time doing much of anything these days. I make it to work. I manage to get one or two things done: a run, a load of laundry, a few fun things. But major and minor projects remain unfinished and un-worked-on. What the hell, me?

As I type this post (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet), I am trying to have a conversation with “Ask the Expert” on WordPress. I am still hesitating on my upgrade and hope to get questions answered. So far I am not having much luck.

I am anxious to upgrade, because I keep wanting to share more pictures. However, I want to make sure the upgrade is right for me before I spend the money. Additionally, and perhaps more to the point, I worry that with my current lack of blogging reliability, it will not be worth the money to upgrade. Will the upgrade perhaps inspire me to return to my daily blogging ways? Can I take that chance?

I suppose I will take the leap soon and we will all see what the result will be. In the meantime, I am over 250 words. Let us not calculate how many of those were whining.

Was It Something About Mice and Men?

My best-laid plans to return to daily posts are not coming to fruition. What is that quote about “best-laid plans” anyways? I cannot bring it to mind, if I ever even heard the full quote. But never mind that (although I could do a whole post about famous quotes and how they get mangled). I am just trying to make some post, any post.

I really have no excuse for not posting, other than my usual struggles with depression. I cringe a little when I type that (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet, just to give you the picture). I am embarrassed to admit I let my depression keep me from doing things. I am embarrassed to admit my depression. What is depression, really, but me whining about how I don’t feel happy. What is my problem, anyways?

But, depression and other mood disorders are real problems for some people. Would I shame someone else for admitting they suffer from depression? I hope not. I hope I would encourage them to seek help. So while a part of me wants very much to delete the last paragraph, another part says, “No, let it stand. Admit you have a problem.”

Don’t all the self-help gurus say you should do the thing you fear? Well, I fear what my friends and family will think if they happen to read this post. Goodness, I just asked a co-worker yesterday if he still read my blog (he said, “Why? Did you say something about me?” I guess I just did). What if he reads this? Oh dear.

In any case, I see I am over 250 words. I think I will bill this as a Non-Sequitur Thursday Post. If only I had a good headline…

And Another Thing About Me…

So it seems I didn’t do so good at getting back into blogging. Full disclosure: I’m not doing so good at other stuff either. Well, you know what they say: go big or go home. Why just screw up the blog when I can let EVERYTHING slide?

OK, that is an exaggeration (if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate!). I have been going to work, managing eight hour days last Tuesday through Friday and today (Monday). But I haven’t done a whole lot else, and I am exhausted. Additionally, I seem to be having some mental repercussions from the illness. I feel very down and am apt to start crying at almost any excuse.

Now I feel that I have over-shared. This is a personal blog, but I did not intend for it to be me, Me, ME! I think this! I feel that! And another thing about me…

I guess I wanted to make another post just for the sake of making a post. If I make a crappy post today, maybe I could make a mediocre post tomorrow. Eventually I could work my way up to half-way decent posts. Or even good posts! No promises, though.

But Dracula Said, “I Never Drink Wine”

This is a — wait for it– monstrous situation. I made a post about being depressed and then did not post again for an entire week! What the hell, me? And when will autocorrect internalize the fact that I do so want to say “hell” not “he’ll”? These are points to ponder. In the meantime, I will attempt to ease back into blogging with a Monstrous Monday Post.

He looks a little stunned.

The beauty part about not posting for a while is that I have not used any photos from my Media Library recently. No, I have not yet completed the upgrade which will allow me to post new images. One step at a time; I’m still trying to get myself to post at all these days!

Anyways, here is my favorite guy, Nosferatu. Oh it HAS been a long time; instead of offering “Nosferatu” on predictive text, autocorrect changed it to “Nowhere to.” SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

Quite a different style of vampire.

This delightful blood-sucker has resided on our wall since my husband gave him to me one Christmas some years ago. You may notice the stocking hanging from his neck. He also carries a green bell, but that is less noticeable.

Full disclosure: I already had the wine.

I would have liked to close with another vampire, but I find my Media Library increasingly difficult to navigate. Operator error, the story of my life. On the brighter side, I am approaching 250 words. I say not bad for a Monday after a week off.

And How Do You Feel?

And now, a few words about depression. I guess I should rather say a few more words, since I have written about depression before. I’m not even sure I will say anything new, but I ask you to bear with me.

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love the music, the decorations, giving presents, watching yet another version of “A Christmas Carol,” everything. And it makes me feel even worse when I am emphatically not inclined to enjoy any of it. What the hell, me?

It is not a constant feeling of sadness, so I have that going for me. But it does intrude at odd and increasingly frequent times. In addition to being uncomfortable, it makes it difficult to get Christmas stuff, as well as general life stuff, done.

The worst aspect of it is feeling that I am nothing but a whiny baby. Why can I not simply feel happy during what some have called the most wonderful time of the year? What is wrong with me?

I have read that gratitude is the cure for depression. It is impossible to feel depressed, one popular women’s magazine opined, when you are feeling grateful. All I can say is, if it is that easy for you, you indeed have something to be grateful for.

As for me, I DO count my blessings. Often it increases my depression, because I start feeling like an ungrateful wretch for feeling depressed in the face of such blessings. And now I also feel like a dull, redundant blogger, because I am sure I have expressed these thoughts before.

Finally I fall back on a thought which had helped me before: sometimes you just have to feel that way until you don’t feel that way any more.

In the meantime, I wanted to make a blog post, because I have not made one in a few days. I’m going to file this one under Wrist to Forehead Sunday and hold out for the next wave of Christmas spirit. As always, I hope You’ll stay tuned.

A Reason to Swoon?

Have I the mental and physical wherewithal to make a Wrist to Forehead Sunday Post? The question is not rhetorical. I think I am getting arthritis in my knuckles. I was having a very painful time trying to write in the TV Journal earlier. Suddenly stylus picking is a more attractive option. What a depressing thought! No more hand writing? No more ten-finger typing? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

The beauty part is, now it seems I have a really good reason to swoon, posed dramatically with the back of one wrist against my forehead. I would love to insert a photo here but cannot find one.

Earlier today I went on a long run. It tired me out too much to feel like making a Running Commentary Post. I started to watch movies, hoping for a Sunday Cinema Post. However, I HATED the first movie I chose so much I got discouraged. I should have turned it off twenty minutes into it, as I was strongly tempted to do, but I was curious as to when it would get exciting and how it would end (very late in the picture and badly).

So here I sit without much to say. Best thing to do in these cases is to keep it sort. I hope to see you all again on Monday.

Not Really a Post

So I went to bed on Sunday without making a blog post and I don’t feel up to making one this morning. I’m just going to come out and say it: I am depressed and under stress, and blog posts may become sporadic for a while.

Hey, “depressed” and “stressed” rhyme. Maybe I could make this a poetry blog.

To start with I was quite depressed

And then I got a little stressed

It’s hard to write

When under blight

As life becomes more messed.

That was the best I could come up with prior to 5 a.m. But it will have to do.