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Tag Archives: depression

Some Semblance of a Blog Post

Posted on April 13, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I’m afraid this is another post about What I Could Make A Blog Post About.  Because I’m just not feeling it this morning.  Tuesday we had the read-through for Shooting at the Grange, the murder mystery we are presenting April 29 to benefit Salisbury Grange.

Note to self: find out how to get to Salisbury Center.

Yesterday I took a half hour walk before work then went for a pretty good run after.  Pedestrian Posts and Running Commentary are always fun.  Later I took an unexpected trip to Frankfort, NY, to Fratello’s Pizzeria, to hear Phil Arcuri, one of my favorite local musicians.

From my Media Library.

I confess to feeling a bit down.  I took another half hour walk this morning, because I read somewhere that a half hour was the equivalent of taking 25 or 50 mg of Zoloft (I forget which).  I almost cut the walk short, because I seem to have done something to my hip again.  I said to myself, What do you think, something magic is going to happen if you walk for 30 minutes?  Well, nothing magic happened, but I am sure 30 minutes of walking burns more calories than walking for 20, that stands to reason.

So this has been my update, and I am going to call it a Wuss-out Wednesday.  I need to get on with my Thursday.

 

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Welcome To My Quagmire

Posted on April 11, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

Sometimes I have a To Hell With It Day on Monday.  OK, most weeks I do. I often feel that if I just get through Monday, I have done enough.  That is why I usually do a Monstrous Monday Post.  It is all I want to manage.  And some Mondays, I just go to bed and leave it for Tuesday.

I am trying not to do that today.  I already sloughed off fixing my lunch till tomorrow.    I almost sloughed off putting out garbage till next week but at the last minute put out what little I have.  Full disclosure: I felt self-conscious about being the only house on the block without containers out front.  Then I felt ridiculous for being self-conscious about such a thing.  For heavens’ sake, why should I care what anybody thinks about me putting out garbage every other week?   Additionally, why should I flatter myself that anybody even notices? What do I think they say? “That crazy old lady in the yellow  house, she doesn’t even put out garbage every week. Does she just let it pile up in her kitchen?  Eeww!”

A neighbor giving me the side-eye because of my garbage habits.

I thought I would throw in a picture, to get myself out of the quagmire of the previous paragraph.  That is a good word: quagmire.  I think it describes many of my blog posts and much of my life.  At least my mind, much of the time.

I seem to have lost my head.

I was looking for a suitably quagmirish photo but could not find one.  I settle for Joan Crawford in StraitJacket. “She’s insane! She’s insane!”  I just don’t imagine I’m that bad.

Side note:  I am actually finishing and posting this early Tuesday morning.  I add this in the interests of accuracy.

 

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I Hate Late

Posted on April 2, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I read a quote from a writer, I forget who or even the whole quote, but it started, “One must be pitiless in the matter of mood…”

He is right, of course.  But it doesn’t really help me right now.  I am sitting here with my Tablet (the laptop-come-dining-room-tabletop is dying a slow painful death, as it gets slower and more painful to do anything on it), feeling it would be a good idea to make Saturday’s blog post even at this late hour.  Yet I also feel paralyzed by indecision and resistance.

I’m also a little hungry, although I did have some scrambled eggs earlier.

Lately I feel overwhelmed by all I need and want to do, with the vicious circle result that I do not do any of it.  Well, sometimes I do some of it.  For example, yesterday I worked on paying bills.  This is one chore my late husband Steve always did, and I was SO grateful that he did.  So naturally,  I am not only not very good at it, it is doubly painful, because it emphasizes once again that Steve is not here.

I guess this is another thing to be pitiless about.  I keep telling myself I have to learn to be alone.  So yesterday I sat down with the checkbook and a stack of bills and told myself, “Just pay one bill.”  This was me applying my method of Just Do One Thing.  I started by putting the bills in order of due date.  I hate to be late (blog posts notwithstanding).

Somewhere in the midst paying one bill online, one by phone, and writing a couple of checks, I felt a surge of… not quite happiness, but of not depression.  “I’m doing this,”  I thought.  Of course I have a lot more to do, but maybe I will be able to do it.

Hmmm… I guess the quote I referenced earlier did help me, because, look, I have blogged over 300 words.  I say “blogged” instead of “written” in deference to the Truman Capote line, “That’s not writing, that’s typing.”  Do you suppose if he were still around, he would sniff at my blog, “That’s not writing, that’s pecking in one letter at a time with the stylus”?

 

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Saturday? Sunday? Just Another Blog Post

Posted on March 26, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

It is a well known fact that I have never, at any point in my life, for one minute, ever had my act together.  It seems unlikely that I will achieve such a status at this late stage, even if I were to make the attempt.  Full disclosure:  I tend not to try.  At worst,  I survey the damage and make embarrassing weepy noises.  At best, I just drive on.  I am hoping for a drive on day today.

I am lounged on my couch, pecking in one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet, trying to remember why I did not make my Saturday blog post on Saturday.  I am further wondering if I can count this post for both Saturday and Sunday.  Would that be cheating?  I do not approve of cheating, even if it is on my own rules for me.  Still, one resorts to  these measures on occasion.

It has not been a bad weekend so far.  I went for good runs both yesterday and today, going further than last weekend and even including a few hills.  I petted a couple dogs today.

The sign is looking more faded now, and the trees in the background have no leaves.

I ran by this DO NOT ENTER sign yesterday.  Regular readers know I love to enter when it says not to.

That car wasn’t there today.

I ran by the post office today.  I walked there yesterday to mail my post cards and a letter.

I keep hoping for some of those endorphins to kick in.  One reason I try to be vigilant about running and walking is for the mental health benefits.  However, I don’t suppose anything will be a miracle cure.  Again I ask, why can’t I have a miracle cure?

And again I answer myself, never mind why, you can’t and that’s that.  However, it seems I can make a blog post.  It may be a late, foolish blog post, but what can you expect from someone who emphatically does not have her act together?

 

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Blog After Run, Such As It Was

Posted on March 19, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

As often happens, I neglected to make my Saturday blog post on Saturday.  This morning I thought to make it first thing, but after I had futzed about (holy crap, autocorrect recognized “futzed” as a word!) with coffee and Facebook (judge me if you will, I find Facebook sometimes comforting these days), I really felt more like running than blogging.  It was almost light out.  I decided to go for it.  For one reason, I have been trying to self-medicate my depression with exercise.  For another, the Boilermaker 15K is coming up.  Eventually.

Holy crap, it was cold!  Never mind, I told myself.  You’ll warm up as you go.  Ignoring the logical part of my brain that said my fingers and face traditionally do not warm up, I kept going.

More problematic was the ice.  There were patches of ice EVERYWHERE!  Some of it was insidiously hard to see.  I found a nice bare strip down the center of most roads I went on, but clearly it is a mistake to run down the center of, say German Street, which I happened to be on.  Well, maybe there wouldn’t be much traffic.  In fact there was not a lot, but it only takes one car to obliterate one middle-aged lady runner.  I sprinted for Prospect Street as I heard then saw one approach.

I quickly decided a long-ish run such as I had enjoyed yesterday was not necessary.  15 minutes would be OK, I told myself.  Even at my cautious shuffle, that would be at least a mile.  As it happened, I went for 20 minutes, just under a mile and a half.

As I went, I did not observe much, since I was mainly keeping my eyes on the road.  Therefore I did not enjoy the benefits of distraction which running outdoors usually brings.  Never mind.  We all know some runs are better than others.  The point is, I ran.  And now I have blogged.  Bring on the rest of the day!

 

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Blog Before Run, Or Am I Too Lame?

Posted on March 18, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

Last week I hoped I was ushering in a new era of Not Late Lame Post Friday posts.  Alas, it was not to be.  Here it is Saturday morning, and I sit on my couch (lounge, really), listening to what I think is some kind of pigeon (maybe a mourning dove? It sounds pretty sad) and wishing I was already out running. One thing I love is running or walking in the morning and hearing the birds sing (or is it a morning dove with no emotion attributed?  I don’t know from birds).

One reason I am blogging before my run is that I am waiting for it to be light out.  I just can’t trust the sidewalks and roads this time of year.  I have wiped out on the ice too many times this year just walking (one hideous incident on my uneven concrete front steps).  I emphatically do not want to do it while running.  At my age I could break a hip.  Well, maybe not a hip, but something.  At least I would bruise my body and damage my fragile self-esteem.

My day stretches before me in a fairly threatening fashion.  That run to take, post cards to write, a house to clean, a murder mystery to write AND this afternoon auditions for murder mystery actors.  It is a general audition;  I want to develop a pool of actors to draw from as murder mysteries arise to be cast.

Now I feel threatened, because there is a something inside me (my depression?  the aforementioned fragile self-esteem?) strenuously insisting that I CANNOT POSSIBLY do a murder mystery at this time.  I MIGHT be able to write it (low self-esteem aside, I rarely admit to being unable to write something) (yes, yes, there are times when I say I CAN’T write a blog post, but I just mean I can’t write it right now).  But print it out, get a cast, schedule and go to rehearsals…

What am I saying?  Of course I can do all that!  The voices in my head are full of beans!

Talked myself right into that, didn’t I?  Guess I’ll go for my run now.

For local readers interested in theatre, auditions are today, March 18, at 1 p.m. at Ilion Little Theatre,  13 Remington Ave., Ilion, NY.  For more information,  you can visit the theatre’s Facebook page.

 

 

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Help from Pizza and a Friend

Posted on March 9, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was going to just give up and declare this week Late Post Week when I noticed how low the battery on my phone is. Will I have time to plug it in and get it to 100 percent in AND be able to make a blog post in the morning? I suppose a little suspense will add interest to my day.

Regular readers (I think I still have some) may be wondering why I did not go to the library and make my blog post, as I spoke of doing this morning (when I made yesterday’s post). It is too long and whiny a story for me to share. Also, I don’t come out of it looking very good.

So I guess this is a true Wuss-out Wednesday Post. Hmm… Maybe I could yet salvage something.

At one point earlier this evening I texted my friend Kim and told her I was having a HORRIBLE day (I daresay I was indulging in hyperbole). She suggested ordering food and watching a movie. Brilliant!

While she got ready to come over, I called Salvatore’s Pizzeria in Herkimer and ordered a cheese pizza and chicken wings Siciliano. When Kim arrived, we popped in “Clue: The Movie” (I put it in quotation marks because I do not know how to do italics on my phone). I craved the silliness factor of the movie.

I’ll be honest: The evening was not a miraculous cure-all. Why can’t I have a miraculous cure-all? No matter. I can’t and that’s all. I was feeling better after good food, a few laughs, and most of all time with a friend.

Full disclosure:. Kim was not the only one I reached out to. I also called my parents for some good advice and got it as usual. Additionally I called the Veteran’s Crisis Hotline and am on my way to getting more help. I mention the last to add my little bit to erasing the stigma attached to needing help with our mental health.

And I guess the stigma does exist, because I am quite hesitant now to publish this post. People I know may read it! Then again, why worry? In the first place, my blog is probably not as widely read as all that. In the second place, a lot of my friends and family would probably say, “Oh Cindy, we knew you needed help!”

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Post-Wine Post

Posted on February 27, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I have not had much wine, but I thought the title would be a good follow-up to a Pre-Coffee Post.  This, I fear, will be another post where I just rattle on for 200 words or so.  I am battling depression but trying not to whine too much about it.  After all, everybody has problems.

Not enough gas to outrun Monday!

I guess I can bill this as a Wrist to Forehead Sunday Post.  I don’t really feel that horrified by Monday, but it cannot be denied that the weekend is more fun.  This past weekend I drove into Rome, NY, to my parents’ house, where two out of three sisters  were also visiting.

Returning to Herkimer this morning, I made a stop to purchase ice melt then parked on the street while I shoveled some of the snow in my driveway.  I did not make great progress, but I got the car in without any trouble.  Phew!

Scary!

The cold air had given me a bit of a sinus headache, so I heated up my face thing and laid down for a while.  It seemed to help.  This afternoon I watched War of the Gargantuas on Svengoolie.  I have several episodes of Svengoolie on my DVR.  I bet some of you thought that picture was a graphic depiction of my headache.  I can see where one might think that.  While I watched, I heated up some leftovers for dinner.

Bearing in mind that doing something, anything can alleviate depression, I fixed tomorrow’s lunch, did the dishes, and laid out my Monday work outfit.  Now I am kind of sort of looking at Snapped while I make a blog post.

I haven’t reached mine yet.

Since I titled this Post-Wine Post, do you suppose it would be OK if I had some Post-Post Wine?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

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Even Lamer Than Usual

Posted on February 18, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought of that title while I was running this morning.  I’m thinking it was not particularly worth remembering.  However, I feel bad that I made no post yesterday so want to make some semblance of a blog post now.

There was snow on the scene this morning.

I throw in a picture to pep things up.  This is half of Herkimer’s Historic Four Corners,  which I ran by this morning.  It was cold out, but I persevered. I thought briefly of making my blog post before my run, as I did earlier this week, but only briefly.  It takes less mental wherewithal to run than to make a blog post.

It occurred to me as I ran that lately I have managed to do a few blogworthy activities but have not managed to actually blog about them.  What’s up with that, me?

A note of hope.

Another picture may inspire me to come up with more words.  I confess to being not too worried about what I say.  This is a Late Lame Post Friday post, the bar is not high.  Additionally,  I am still in Give Myself a Break mode.  I wonder how much longer I can get away with that.

Who could be un-cheered by a Screaming Skull?

I end with an unrelated but amusing (to me, at least) picture from The Screaming Skull.  I often watch cheesy horror movies on the weekend.  That might be fun.

In the meantime,  I see I am over 200 words.  Once again, I thank you for tuning in.

 

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Running Away From Depression?

Posted on February 15, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I got on the Tablet thinking I was going to make a whiny Tired Tuesday Post but thought I might try instead for a little Running Commentary.  I took a couple of walks yesterday and decided today to just go ahead and run.  I thought, I don’t have to run far, I don’t have to run fast, but I am registered for the Boilermaker 15K in Utica, NY this summer.  I need to train for that.  Additionally,  exercise is a well-known and seldom used anti-depressant.  It might help.

I went first thing in the morning.  Well, second thing.  I had coffee first.  It was not too cold for February.  I put on leggings, long sleeves, a warm headband, and gloves.  This would be fine.

And it wasn’t too bad.  I told myself 20 minutes would be great but 15 would be enough.  I further told myself not to worry if I did a 15-minute mile.  Or even slower.  The important thing was just to go.

I find graveyards fascinating.

As I often do when I think I might make a Running Commentary Post, I ran by places I know I have pictures of in my Media Library.  Of course I love to walk and run by Herkimer’s Historic Four Corners regardless.  I am especially fond of the old gravestones surrounding Herkimer Reformed Church.  I crossed Main Street and continued on my way.

A handsome building.

Eventually I made my way by the former Baptist Church and future home of Herkimer Business and Professional Association.

I have not sent any post cards recently.

Soon I was going by the post office.

I actually passed this structure on the other side.

When I first started running in the village, I made it a rule to always run through Meyers Park.  Sometimes I run around it, as I did today.

I ended up running for 22 minutes, making a mile in under 14 minutes, so I felt fairly pleased with myself.  Alas, the anti-depressant effect was short-lived.  Perhaps if I continue to run on a regular basis and for longer periods of time it would help.  In the meantime, I guess I will just feel that way until I do not feel that way any more.

 

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