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Tag Archives: depression

Lame in the Christmas Season

So I have gone a week without posting.  That is not good.  In my defense, I have had the flu, despite getting the damn flu shot!  I feel rather ill-used about that, in addition to feeling just about as crappy as I have felt in a long time.  I feel I should have a good descriptive of my crappiness, but nothing is coming (autocorrect wanted to make that “creepiness.”  More appropriate? Discuss amongst yourselves).

On the brighter side, I have been feeling Less Crappy for a couple of days now.  I don’t feel that I will ever be 100% again, but I look forward to feeling progressively less crappy as 2022 wanes.

I hold tight to that glimmer of optimism, because I am very sad about basically missing over a week of precious Christmas time.  In addition to having scandalously few presents for my family and friends and very little energy to make up the shortfall, I have missed enjoying the time.  I was about to start taking walks around the neighborhood in the evenings, to enjoy seeing people’s lights.  I was going to listen to all my Christmas CDs, a feat I have never managed in a single Christmas season.

But don’t listen to me wine.  We never do all we intend or hope, even without health issues.  I also remind myself that depression is a well-known after-effect of flu, so I must not feel too concerned about feeling a little down.  By the way, that could be a whole other blog post: how we must not beat ourselves up for feeling down, thus creating a downward spiral.

Now I see I am over 250 words.  More than respe table for Lame Post Friday!   I will just find a Christmas picture in my Media Library, to end on a festive note.

All my Santas say Merry Christmas!

 

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I Decide to Make a Blog Post

I am so indecisive! I was going to write in the TV Journal, then I thought I would make yesterday’s blog post.  TV Journal… blog post… Which one?  I paused, suddenly paralyzed, between the couch and the dining-room-table-top.  What a terrible feeling!

I finally sat on the couch and wrote the preceding paragraph and thought, hey, that might make a good introduction to a blog post.  Perhaps my readers will be amused at the thought of me standing in my living room, taking half steps in opposite directions as my brain refused to make up its mind.  Or perhaps they could sympathize with a spate of indecision interrupting one’s day.  At any rate, I got on the laptop (dining-room-table-top is too awkward to type every time) (yeah, I realize I just did.  It is not easy being me, but it is fairly entertaining) and eventually began to type (this computer takes a long time to boot up, get to a site, and log in).

Where was I?  Ah yes, nowhere in particular, but trying to type in some semblance of a blog post.  Writing tends to alleviate my depression, when I can tamp down the do-nothingness and actually do it.  That is, as fellow sufferers know, the terrible cycle of depression.  Doing almost anything might alleviate some of the symptoms, but one of the dominate symptoms is the almost overwhelming desire to do NOTHING.

I do manage to get to work every day.  And most days, I manage to take a walk in the morning.  Exercise is a potent and underused anti-depressant.  And so I try to self-medicate.  As a matter of fact, I did have the vague plan to make a Pedestrian Post after this morning’s perambulation.  However, I see I am approaching 300 words by rambling on about my tiresome mental gyrations.  I still have to make my lunch, so I am going to follow my usual method: Hit Publish and Hope for the Best.

 

I Feel Monstrous When I Don’t Write

I like Monstrous Monday.  No matter how down and dull I feel, I almost always feel capable of putting up a few monster pics with my own silly comments.

That sounded so confident.  While I typed those two sentences, a voice inside me was saying, “No, you can’t. You don’t really feel capable of anything.  Furthermore, your comments are dumb, boring, and repetitive.”  I believe it is either my depression or my low self-esteem talking (you wouldn’t think an egotist such as myself could suffer from low self-esteem,  but so it is).  Am I oversharing again?  I had better get on with the monsters.

What I feel like some days.

Ooey-gooey!   I think my favorite part of The Blob is the theme song.  That tango beat!

What I do not seem to have some days.

I like to share The Brain from Planet Arous when I am feeling particularly brainless.  Come to think about it, I have not seen that movie in some time.  I wonder if I have it on DVD or video.

I just loves me some Nosferatu.

I thought I would throw in a picture of my favorite, Nosferatu from the 1922 silent film.

Kafka knew from monsters.

I close with a quote to encourage myself.  Making silly comments about monsters is at least writing something.  Perhaps I can segue into something more literary, or at least more lengthy.  For a Monstrous Monday blog post, I am going to call this sufficient.

 

I Creep into a Monstrous Monday Post

Hello and welcome to another Monstrous Monday Post.  It has not been a horrible Monday.  It rarely is.  My life is not that bad, which makes my persistent depression difficult to understand and not a little embarrassing.  However,  my purpose now is to entertain myself and (I hope) others with a few creepy-crawlies, or perhaps gruesome movie villains.

Is he as villainous as he looks?

Here is one of the masters, Vincent Price.  I believe this is a publicity shot from House on Haunted Hill, which features the immortal line, said to Price by his onscreen wife, “Darling, the only ghoul in this house is you.”

I don’t think he is bidding us velcome.

And here is one of our finest ghouls, Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula.  He is looking rather malevolent in this picture.

Crazy love? Insane love? No, it’s…

I was hoping to find a creepy-crawly but will make do with creepy:  Peter Lorre in Mad Love, one of my favorites.

Not from a movie, but they will do!

Here are a couple of crawlies!  They were props for a murder mystery.  I do love fake bugs and often use them in my home decor.

I guess my gruesome friends have cheered me up.  At least I have made my blog post, which always adds to my level of contentment.  I will try for a more Mohawk Valley-oriented post tomorrow,  but, as usual, no promises.  Creep and crawl on, my friends!

 

Any Blog Post Etc. Etc.

I started to make a blog post last night but realized I was too tired. I start to make one just now and realize I am too depressed. I know, I know, one must write no matter what one’s mood. Still, this being a blog about my life, I feel my moods are relevant. And who wants to read a whole post about how depressed I am?

Well-meaning advisors might say, “Fine, you’re depressed. Write about that.” However, I have often found that writing about what bothers me does not have the cathartic effect one expects. Additionally, if I put it out on the internet for all to see, anybody can chime in with things like, “Oh, quit complaining, lots of people have it worse.” It is quite true, of course, but I already knew that and it doesn’t help.

What does seem to help is writing something, anything, because I feel somewhat better than I felt in the first paragraph. What’s that all about, me?

My conundrum now is whether or not I should publish this. I mean, I intend to publish it, under the heading Any Blog Post Is Better Than None, but, really, should I? It helped me to write it, but that does not mean it will entertain anybody to read it. Oh well, at the very least it might encourage others: “Look at that crap she published! At least my blog is better than that!” Thus I comfort myself and look to make a better blog post later.

So I Slacked

I try to make a very quick post as I watch the charge on my Tablet go ever lower. It probably will not be be a very good post, although I am not the best judge of these things. I mostly want to make an apology for not posting on Saturday (since I counted the post I made yesterday morning for Friday). We’ll call it a Slacker Saturday Post.

I only wrote post cards to my weekly regulars, nobody extra, and I wrote them later than I usually do. As a matter of fact, shortly after I made the blog post, I went back to bed and took a morning nap. I enjoyed it.

When I took my walk, it started to rain. Just a little mist, really, so I kept going. For one reason, I had to mail my post cards. My Garmin (actually a friend’s Garmin which he nicely loaned me) told me I walked a faster mile than previously, 20:53 yesterday, 23:39 last Sunday. I have to be careful about walking fast, because I easily give myself shin splints. I try to concentrate on walking heel to toe. That is what an army friend told me she did.

And that was the extent of my usefulness yesterday. Today I am getting a jump on being at least marginally more useful by putting in laundry in before getting on the Tablet. I mention it here to remind myself to put the clothes in the drier soon.

Now I see I am over 250 words. Score! Regarding the depression I mentioned yesterday, I have found that sometimes completing a blog post is also an anti-depressant.

In Fact, Most Advice Is Lame

Late Lame Post Friday posts are just going to be a thing. I offer no excuse. For one reason, all the writing advice givers say there is no excuse. Write Just Write, they say. I believe it is good advice, but like all advice, caveats apply. However, since for “caveats” some people read “excuses,” I will offer none of those either.

What will I offer? My favorite Lame Post Friday elements: random observations and half-baked philosophy! Perhaps I should go sit on my front porch so I can actually observe something other than my messy living room or the local news.

Is this an azalea?

Full Disclosure: I did not observe this bush just now. I am still sitting on my couch. I don’t have shoes on, and my husband, Steve, tells me it is chilly outside. This is a picture I took of a neighbor’s lawn sometime last month. I had deleted some pictures from my Media Library in hopes of freeing enough space for an illustrated Pedestrian Post, but WordPress only allowed me to download one new picture. It was rather a sore spot for me.

Another Full Disclosure: my depression is really kicking my butt these days. I always cringe a little when I admit that. I worry that I should just suck it up and not bother others with my problems which are in fact much fewer and smaller that those suffered by others. Then again, depression is a problem for many. If anybody told me they were suffering from depression, I would not, in fact, advise them to suck it up.

Now that I think about it, I am not sure I would offer any advice at all. For one reason, any advice I might give would come with caveats, and that just seems like a lot of trouble. I will give myself a little advice, however. I advise myself to take a walk. Exercise is a potent anti-depressant. It might also make a good blog post.

Who, Me? Whine About Not Posting?

Once again I have let days elapse without making a blog post. The question now is can I make a Tired Tuesday Post without whining too much? I guess another question is how much whining is too much? If the answer is “any whining at all is too much,” I am in big trouble.

At the risk of whining too much (and sharing too much), I will share that I have been having a hard time doing much of anything these days. I make it to work. I manage to get one or two things done: a run, a load of laundry, a few fun things. But major and minor projects remain unfinished and un-worked-on. What the hell, me?

As I type this post (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet), I am trying to have a conversation with “Ask the Expert” on WordPress. I am still hesitating on my upgrade and hope to get questions answered. So far I am not having much luck.

I am anxious to upgrade, because I keep wanting to share more pictures. However, I want to make sure the upgrade is right for me before I spend the money. Additionally, and perhaps more to the point, I worry that with my current lack of blogging reliability, it will not be worth the money to upgrade. Will the upgrade perhaps inspire me to return to my daily blogging ways? Can I take that chance?

I suppose I will take the leap soon and we will all see what the result will be. In the meantime, I am over 250 words. Let us not calculate how many of those were whining.

Was It Something About Mice and Men?

My best-laid plans to return to daily posts are not coming to fruition. What is that quote about “best-laid plans” anyways? I cannot bring it to mind, if I ever even heard the full quote. But never mind that (although I could do a whole post about famous quotes and how they get mangled). I am just trying to make some post, any post.

I really have no excuse for not posting, other than my usual struggles with depression. I cringe a little when I type that (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet, just to give you the picture). I am embarrassed to admit I let my depression keep me from doing things. I am embarrassed to admit my depression. What is depression, really, but me whining about how I don’t feel happy. What is my problem, anyways?

But, depression and other mood disorders are real problems for some people. Would I shame someone else for admitting they suffer from depression? I hope not. I hope I would encourage them to seek help. So while a part of me wants very much to delete the last paragraph, another part says, “No, let it stand. Admit you have a problem.”

Don’t all the self-help gurus say you should do the thing you fear? Well, I fear what my friends and family will think if they happen to read this post. Goodness, I just asked a co-worker yesterday if he still read my blog (he said, “Why? Did you say something about me?” I guess I just did). What if he reads this? Oh dear.

In any case, I see I am over 250 words. I think I will bill this as a Non-Sequitur Thursday Post. If only I had a good headline…

And Another Thing About Me…

So it seems I didn’t do so good at getting back into blogging. Full disclosure: I’m not doing so good at other stuff either. Well, you know what they say: go big or go home. Why just screw up the blog when I can let EVERYTHING slide?

OK, that is an exaggeration (if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate!). I have been going to work, managing eight hour days last Tuesday through Friday and today (Monday). But I haven’t done a whole lot else, and I am exhausted. Additionally, I seem to be having some mental repercussions from the illness. I feel very down and am apt to start crying at almost any excuse.

Now I feel that I have over-shared. This is a personal blog, but I did not intend for it to be me, Me, ME! I think this! I feel that! And another thing about me…

I guess I wanted to make another post just for the sake of making a post. If I make a crappy post today, maybe I could make a mediocre post tomorrow. Eventually I could work my way up to half-way decent posts. Or even good posts! No promises, though.