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Tag Archives: grief

There Are No Words

I was reading a few other blogs hoping to get some inspiration for today’s post, and there it was: Wordless Wednesday.  If only I had a good, evocative picture to share.  Damn!

He was so handsome!

After looking through a LOT of pictures on my Tablet, I came across several of my dearly missed husband, Steven.  This one caught my eye, because I am wearing that same shirt tonight. I spilled a little sauce on it when I was eating supper.  I’d better remember to rub in a little soap when I take it off later.

Anyways, the picture was taken at Fratello’s Pizzeria in Frankfort,  NY, when we used to go almost every Wednesday for music and food.  That adds a little symmetry to the post, I think.

Full disclosure:  I did not want to make a cheerful, chatty post today.  I was rather inclined to give a grief update.  It occurred to me today that my sadness is just a chronic condition I have to get used to, like a bad back or knees (both of which I have, but they are not constant, so I count my blessings).  This is actually a helpful thought: Just something I have to get used to.  I can get used to something.

So I am over 200 words on this Wordless Wednesday.  I can never get these things right.



One Reason Why I’m Tired

I will tell you about my Tuesday.  The Mohawk Valley was hit with the nor’easter which I suppose is plaguing the entire state.  I can only suppose, because I have yet restored any real television to my television set (long story, not very interesting) (although I do not rule out making a blog post out of it at some point).  I arose in the morning with trepidation, prepared to dig out my driveway prior to departing for work.

Imagine my delight when I found that shoveling was not yet necessay.  I merely had to clean off my car.  I could see snow heavily falling, though, so allowed extra time, which I definitely needed.

Oh, the roads sucked.  I reflected as I drove down Rt 5 at 30 miles an hour, that a year previously, I had turned around in such conditions and gone home.  Full disclosure:  if my husband Steve were still alive, I probably would have yesterday.  In fact, Steve would have urged me in strong terms not to go in at all.  (“You’re NOT going to work today,” was the way he put it the time I turned around) (yes, I disobeyed a direct order, but let us not discuss the dynamics of my marriage).

Driving up Ilion Gorge was an adventure.  It was a decision whether it was better with or without high beams, because of all the snow.  The light reflects each and every flake, you know. I decided I liked it better with.

I further reflected (see what I did there?) that my drive was a metaphor for my current life.  I was going slowly.  I could not see very far ahead.  I was just trusting to be able to reach my destination (one day when I didn’t even try to get to work, I later learned a fallen tree had blocked the road anyways).  It was not much fun.

Actually it was a little fun.  As often happens, I had to laugh at myself.

Further trials and tribulations were in store for me as the day went on, but I see I am over 300 words.  I do not care to tax my readers’ patience at this time (but do not rule it out at some future date).


It’s the Best I Can Do on Tired Tuesday

It occurred to me that it might be interesting to some readers if I share my journey through grief.  It might help me to write about it.  Or this might be nothing more than a rationalization to continue blogging.  Then again, for me, anything that will keep me writing, I will use.

This by means of an introduction to a Tired Tuesday Post.  I did not sleep so well last night.  Regular readers know I suffer from chronic insomnia, but last night I had the added problem of an intense cough.  It was quite distressing.  I did get a little sleep, though, so don’t mind me.

I thought it might be good to get out of the house.  I have, in fact, left the house almost every day.  I went to the funeral home, Mohawk Valley Funerals and Cremations in Little Falls.  On my way home from there, I stopped by Ann Street Liquors for some brandy for a hot toddy (a beautiful thing for a cold).  I went grocery shopping, to the bank, and to the drug store.  And I went running twice.  This was all over the course of Saturday through Tuesday.

Most recently I met my friend Kim for lunch at Salvatore’s Pizzeria and Restaurant in Herkimer.  We both had calzones and a glass of wine.  Yum!  And we took home leftovers.  Next we stopped at a big box store which needs no plug from Mohawk Valley Girl.  We had a fun time shopping for various needs and wants.

Hmm… This is kind of a dull post.  However, I am going to hit Publish and, as usual, hope for the post.  I crave my readers’ indulgence on Tired Tuesday.

And a Tired one at that!


Blogger’s Very Sad Day

Posts may continue to be sporadic, because I have suffered a loss.  My husband, Steven, passed away yesterday (Feb 3).

He was so handsome.

He and I enjoyed so many good times together, from Mohawk Valley Adventures to theatrical endeavors to just hanging out watching movies or true crime television shows.  I knew I was so blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life, and I will always cherish the memories.

This is an older picture.

I have been on Facebook, reading many tributes and memories from his family and friends.  He was greatly loved by many.

I guess there is not much else to say.  This is a Blogger’s Sad Day for sure.  But being with Steve was worth all the sadness.  Rest in peace, my love.


Rest in Peace, My Friend

My heart hurts.  I try to keep this blog all positive and happy and silly, but shit happens, and sometimes I just need the space to say, “This really sucks.”

I feel I should say something more profound or more articulate or at least less vulgar, but there it is.  Life is sad and sometimes we feel sad and there are not a whole lot of ways to say it.

A dear friend lost her battle with cancer yesterday.  My husband Steven found out via Facebook.  Say what you want about Facebook, but I am grateful to it for letting me find these things out sooner rather than later.  You see, we have not been in close touch with this friend in some years now.  We used to hang out with Kathy, her husband and a few others a lot in the late ’80s and early ’90s when we all lived up North.  When Kathy and her husband moved south, we kept in sporadic touch and more recently re-connected on Facebook.

It cannot be denied that her passing sucks way more for others than for me.  Indeed, part of my sadness is for her husband, children, sister, parents, other family members and friends she saw on a regular basis.  Many of them are posting thoughts and pictures on Facebook.  It is wonderful if heartbreaking to see the pictures of Kathy smiling, happy, full of life.  That is how we will remember her: her great spirit, her large heart.

So this is the best I can do for a blog post today.  It is Halloween and soon I must greet the trick-or-treaters.  No doubt they will put a smile on my face.  And I will smile as I remember my friend.  She is probably up there singing with a heavenly choir now.  Peace, Kathy.