Category Archives: depression

Is This a Blog or Therapy?

Posted on December 7, 2022 by mohawkvalleygirl

This will be a very fast Tired Tuesday post with not promises as to reaching my self-imposed, admittedly arbitrary 200-word minimum.  I am ten-finger typing on my dining-room-table-top (for those of you just tuning in, it is a laptop on its last cyber legs, we dare not move it) on Wednesday morning.  I have had coffee, taken my walk, and eaten breakfast, but have yet to make my lunch.  I am, as I knew I would be, regretting not making my post last night.  In my defense, I was depressed.

I fear this must be a blogger’s sick day, or perhaps another day when I whine and cry about my own petty personal problems.  I remind myself that other people have much worse things to deal with.  This does not always help, because I feel I am an ungrateful wretch for complaining at all.  I do cultivate gratitude, pointing out to myself every little thing that I can feel thankful for.  I read in some dumb woman’s magazine that it is impossible to feel depressed and grateful at the same time.  It is not true, at least for me.

But never mind my whining, let me instead list a few things for which I can be thankful right now.  It was not raining but merely misty this morning and warm, making it a delightful morning to take a walk.  Some people had their Christmas lights on  I do love Christmas lights.  I have received a couple of Christmas cards already.  I do not have to work Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  I am gainfully employed at a job which makes a positive difference in people’s lives.  I have a very nice family and am able to talk to my parents almost every day.

See, me?  All this good stuff.  And here is another one:  I am about to publish a blog post of over 300 words.  Is it a good blog post?  Let us not ask for miracles.  Part of me says I should just save this to drafts, it is nothing more than an attempt at self-therapy.  However, I shall hit Publish, to let others with depression know they are not alone.  I don’t know that they will be especially flattered to hear they are in the same club with me, but I cannot worry about that now.  Perhaps I should look into getting some actual therapy.

 

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Where Are Those Monsters Now?

Posted on September 16, 2022 by mohawkvalleygirl

Early Tuesday morning I made my Monstrous Monday Post, but before I did that, I had tried to make a different post.  I had in fact began said attempt on Monday. On giving it up Tuesday morning, I saved the effort, titling it, “To Continue This Blog Post?”  Then, as people may or may not have noticed, I failed to make any post for Tuesday or Wednesday.   I felt bad about it, but there it is.  Now it is Thursday night and there is no blog post in sight.  So here is the post I started to make:

What did I say about making a better blog post?  Whatever it was, it is not likely to happen.  I might as well acknowledge that I am going through a rough patch, in my blog and in my life.  Since the blog is about my life, I suppose it should come as no surprise that both hit a rough patch at the same time.  But don’t mind me; I’m always whining about something.  My problems almost all fall under the heading Operator Error and are mostly First World Problems anyways.

Where was I?  Ah yes, making another Monstrous Monday Post. Can I do it?

As it turns out, I could not.  I typed in the above last night (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet).  I am now ten-finger typing on the dining-room-table-top, sipping coffee for which I am truly grateful.

Here is the thing about depression:  doing almost anything can make you feel better.  It won’t definitely make you feel better, but there is a very good chance that it will.  However, when one has depression, the first thing one wants to do is NOTHING.  I lie in bed or sit on the couch or do my job at work, thinking, “I can do this, and then I’ll do this, and it will be a good idea to to this…”  But I don’t do it.

I have gone over this before, although I feel it bears repeating, at least to me.  Now that I typed the preceding paragraph, I realize I have proved my caveat:  anything can make you feel better, BUT it might not.  Obviously starting a blog post did not make me feel better, because I could not continue.  Some voices in my head want to argue this:  “You COULD have continued, you CHOSE not to,”  “It was a stupid, boring blog post anyways,” “This one is even worse.”

I’ll stop that right now.

OK, back to Thursday night and I see that this nonsense runs over 400 words.  I feel dreadfully self-indulgent publishing it, but then again, why not?  People can read it or not.  If they read it and think it sucks, they can always feel pleasantly superior.  Thus I rationalize myself.  In any case, I think I will try to come up with a punchy title and bill this as a Non-Sequitur Thursday Post.

 

 

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Depression is Monstrous

Posted on September 13, 2022 by mohawkvalleygirl

I started a blog post last night but did not finish it (obviously).  I tried to finish it this morning but got bogged down in a morass of words about being depressed.  It felt whiny and pointless, so I stopped (although I did save it for possible future use).  I want to publish something, so I am going to throw in a few monster pictures and call this a Monstrous Blogger’s Sick Day (depression is an illness, although I feel somewhat fraudulent using it as an excuse) (never mind that, on with the post).

“You cannot escape!”

This is from Carnival of Souls, an excellent example of how a movie can be quite unsettling on a low budget and minimum of special effects (you know, it is much easier to italicize words with a mouse than on a Tablet) (just to throw in a little computer chatter).

My depression looming over me? Only I do not look that good in a bathing suit.

A little Creature from the Black Lagoon never hurt anybody.  Some people find it helpful to picture their depression as an animal that follows them around.  I wonder if a mind trick like that would help me.  I could picture it as a monster and make friends with it.

“Hi, Depression. Nice suit. Green suits you.”

Maybe not.

Invasion of the Happiness Snatchers?

Or I could fight my depression with a pitchfork, and a little help from my friends.  The pitchfork only provided temporary relief in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but it certainly made for a dramatic moment.  Regular readers know I love drama.  I wonder if the pod people could be worked up to a full metaphor for depression.  That might be something to play with sometime.

And now I see I am approaching 300 words, with very little effort and only a minimum of whining.  I will make a greater effort toward even less whining, and as always try for a better blog post next time.  Once again, thank you for tuning in.

 

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No Boot Straps on Wuss-out Wednesday

Posted on May 18, 2017 by mohawkvalleygirl

I am having the damnedest time writing and have for the longest time.  I think to myself, “I love to write!”  But all I want to do is puzzles, primarily cryptograms with a few others thrown in.  I thought to myself today, this is a symptom of depression:  you like to do something, you know it will help you to do it, and you don’t do it. What the hell, me?

The thought came into my mind, “People who have not experienced it cannot understand the mind-numbing, paralyzing, utter inability…”  I don’t remember how the thought ended, but I immediately felt I could not put such a thought into a blog post.  Nobody would buy it, I thought.  They will tell me to stop being such a whiny baby, and maybe they are right.

I am going through a few things, but let’s face it: We all have problems and many people have far worse ones than mine.  As I have mentioned before, I suffer from depression.  I don’t like to write it or say it, because it sounds like I am asking for sympathy or making an excuse.  And it feels as if I have exposed something private and secret I would really, really rather not talk about.  Some people do not “believe in” depression.  They feel it is a made-up problem and I need to just stop whining and pull myself up by those boot straps they’re always talking about.

Only I rarely wear boots and the ones I have don’t have straps.

Then again, not whining is not a bad start.  I cannot pull myself up by my bootstraps (and what a hoary cliche that is, anyways), but there are things I can do to make myself feel better.  I will try to do some of them.  For example, starting on a better blog post for tomorrow.  We’ll call this one a Wuss-out Wednesday and drive on.

 

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Melancholy Musings Will Have To Do

Posted on March 26, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I guess I thought that I could write about my depression once and never mention it again.

As I consider the misconception, I believe it is not that unrealistic after all. I went for almost two years writing every day about my life and never mentioned my depression till recently. That’s pretty circumspect, especially for me.

Lately I have been comforting myself with the thought that I am a high functioning depressant. I make it to work every day and even manage to do a few things outside work. I think there are actually a lot of us high functioning depressants out there. We keep our depression a deep, dark, shameful secret.

Now I’m out of the depressant closet (I hope no gay people are offended that I use their closet metaphor). I have exposed my mental flaws for all to see. I know, some of you are sitting there saying, “Oh, Cindy, we saw them all along. There are a lot. Physical flaws, too, don’t get me started.” You know who you are.

At this point in writing my rough draft, I was assailed by the thought that it is probably very boring to read about somebody else’s depression. It is not till much later, as I type this in, that I think, “So what? I’m ALWAYS afraid my blog posts are going to be boring. I can only write what I can write.”

The fact is, very little has changed since Wrist to Forehead Sunday (yesterday) when I had no Mohawk Valley adventures to write about. One small change: I was in a TERRIBLE Monday funk. It dissipated somewhat as the day wore on and seems to be completely leaving after a gruesome workout at Curves followed by a shower and cup of coffee at home.

So, funk gone, write the damn post, right? Well, I have a rehearsal to go to (preview of coming attractions). I’ve got time to hit publish. I’m going to call this a Middle-Aged Musings Monday and drive on. Hope to see you on Tuesday.

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