Tag Archives: grief update

Early Tired Tuesday or Late Monstrous Monday?

Posted on August 1, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

Is this going to be an entire week of late blog posts? It is too early to tell, but I do not like the way it is trending. Of course it is within my power to change the trend, but last night it did not feel that way. So I started my Tired Tuesday early. Sue me.

Isn’t he nice?

I put in a monster to cheer things up. This pleasant fellow is from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, one of my favorite cheesy horror movies.

Getting back to me (it is all about me, isn’t it?), I have been wanting to tell somebody a kind of a weird thing I have noticed about myself lately. Everything I do, I keep saying out loud I have done it, so I don’t forget.

It started out innocently enough: when I would cook myself breakfast in the morning, I would say, “Turning off the stove on Monday” (it was especially helpful to say the day, as I have breakfast every morning) (it is the most important meal of the day, so I have heard). This saved me calling my husband Steve from work and asking if I did, which was good when I went in at five and he went back to bed.

The habit is also helpful with things like car keys or my purse, which I tend to set down in handy places while getting ready to go out the door. Yes, yes, I know: leave them in the same place all the time. I’m talking about when you pick up your keys and say, “Oh yeah, I need a blahblah” and have to set your keys down to fetch it.

“I don’t know why she wanted me in this blog post.”

Another monster to interrupt what I fear are too many words. I’m sure regular readers recognize Nosferatu.

Anyways, I find myself narrating a lot of my actions these days, “Putting on deodorant on Tuesday” (which I am sure my co-workers appreciate), “Putting my socks on the coffee table,” “My keys are on the floor next to my water bottle,” and of course, the very important, “Turning the coffee maker off, the stove was never on, the toaster oven has cooled off.” Because I can no longer call Steven to make sure I do not burn down the house.

And I guess that last sentence says it all. Widow brain. It’s a thing.

I Rattle, uh I Mean Carry On

Posted on July 27, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

Late blog posts continue with my Wuss-out Wednesday Post being pecked in early Thursday morning. I offer no defense or explanation, and the only thought in my head right now is thank God for coffee! If it gets rid of my headache, my life will be perfect.

I do like flowers.

I threw in a picture to pep things up. This is from July 2022. My yard was no great shakes then, but I had a few blooms. This year the back yard is rather a disaster and the front yard is only marginally better. I had such high hopes, but alas did not match actions to dreams.

I haven’t worn that outfit in a while.

Since it is clear that this is going to be one of those posts where I share pictures from my Media Library and rattle on about them, here is one of me at Fratello’s Pizzeria in Frankfort, NY in July 2021.

I wore that shirt just the other day.

To inject a little silliness, here is my skeleton Bonita with her friend Bonaparte. My husband, Steve, dressed her in the summer outfit. He had a flair for such things.

I confess that these days I am coping with a great deal of sadness, with varying degrees of success. However, I did manage a blog post of over 200 words. Perhaps I can make Thursday’s blog post on time (although my predictive text thingy does not seem to think it is likely).

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Posted in humor, personal, Wuss Out Wednesday and tagged blog post, blogging, Bonaparte, Bonita, depression, Frankfort NY, Fratello's Pizzeria, grief update, husband Steven, sadness, skeleton, Summer outfit, yardwork. Bookmark the permalink.

Also, I Made My Blog Post On Time

Posted on July 16, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I had a Slacker Saturday today. In fact, I almost put off making my Saturday blog post till Sunday. I may yet. We shall see.

“Well, you see, sir…”

As I type (peck in one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet) this, I am looking at an episode of Columbo. I have been watching other DVDs than Columbo, but I keep going back to my beloved Peter Falk. I have not been watching DVDs all day. I read an Agatha Christie book and looked at Facebook. Mostly I had a headache. It went away eventually but by then it was too hot and humid for me to feel like doing much of anything.

One positive step I took (so to speak). I went for my first run since the Boilermaker 15K last Sunday. It was a mere 20 minutes, but it felt pretty good, even with a headache. I decided I would not worry how short and slow my runs are (OK, they are ALWAYS pretty slow). I am not currently training for anything. I may never train for anything again, but it is best not to make these decisions all at once.

I confess that I have had a bit of a bad week. I think this is normal. Grief is not a straight course. You don’t necessarily feel a little bit better each day with no backsliding. Some days are going to be harder than others. I merely mention the phenomenon; I do not mean to complain.

He loved to dance!

I close with a picture of Steve busting a move, just to remember him when he was happiest. I know I was blessed to have him.

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Posted in humor, personal, Slacker Saturday and tagged blog post, blogging, Boilermaker, Boilermaker 15K, Columbo, DVD, grief, grief update, husband Steven, late post, Peter Falk, running. Bookmark the permalink.

Boiling or Boilermaker?

Posted on July 6, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

Wuss-out Wednesday follows Tired Tuesday, we all know that. If you didn’t know, you do now. I’m going to blame the weather.

I think I am!

I took a walk this morning but did not run after work. I ran yesterday for three miles, thinking it would be my last long run before the Boilermaker 15K. I hope to walk every day and have one or two short runs in the next three days. Only three day? Yikes!

Now is about the time I ask myself why I signed up for this silly race anyways. I should perhaps mention that this has happened to me every time I have run the Boilermaker (can’t remember how many times that is; I would have to count my Boilermaker glasses). This year, of course, everything is different.

It seems I had some good reasons when I signed up. I do not currently remember them. I registered pretty much the minute registration opened. A short time later the palliative care nurse called me and said we had to talk. I know what palliative care is (my sisters had to look it up). Thus started a very bad time in my life.

So this year my running the 15K feels all tied up in my grief and depression over my husband’s death. I don’t know that I think something magical is going to happen as I cross the finish line. I think mostly I feel grateful that the race gave me motivation to keep running. Exercise has helped me a lot.

I guess I have not entirely wussed out today, as I see I am over 250 words. Perhaps tomorrow I will take one of those shorter runs I mentioned and attempt a Running Commentary Post. It is All Boilermaker All The Time Week after all.

I Hate Late

Posted on April 2, 2023 by mohawkvalleygirl

I read a quote from a writer, I forget who or even the whole quote, but it started, “One must be pitiless in the matter of mood…”

He is right, of course. But it doesn’t really help me right now. I am sitting here with my Tablet (the laptop-come-dining-room-tabletop is dying a slow painful death, as it gets slower and more painful to do anything on it), feeling it would be a good idea to make Saturday’s blog post even at this late hour. Yet I also feel paralyzed by indecision and resistance.

I’m also a little hungry, although I did have some scrambled eggs earlier.

Lately I feel overwhelmed by all I need and want to do, with the vicious circle result that I do not do any of it. Well, sometimes I do some of it. For example, yesterday I worked on paying bills. This is one chore my late husband Steve always did, and I was SO grateful that he did. So naturally, I am not only not very good at it, it is doubly painful, because it emphasizes once again that Steve is not here.

I guess this is another thing to be pitiless about. I keep telling myself I have to learn to be alone. So yesterday I sat down with the checkbook and a stack of bills and told myself, “Just pay one bill.” This was me applying my method of Just Do One Thing. I started by putting the bills in order of due date. I hate to be late (blog posts notwithstanding).

Somewhere in the midst paying one bill online, one by phone, and writing a couple of checks, I felt a surge of… not quite happiness, but of not depression. “I’m doing this,” I thought. Of course I have a lot more to do, but maybe I will be able to do it.

Hmmm… I guess the quote I referenced earlier did help me, because, look, I have blogged over 300 words. I say “blogged” instead of “written” in deference to the Truman Capote line, “That’s not writing, that’s typing.” Do you suppose if he were still around, he would sniff at my blog, “That’s not writing, that’s pecking in one letter at a time with the stylus”?

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Posted in humor, personal and tagged blog post, blogging, depression, grief update, husband Steven, Just Do One Thing, late post, not writing, paying bills, Truman Capote, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

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