Category Archives: humor

The Wrong Kind of Wealth

Posted on March 28, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

Longtime readers (if any) may remember posts about a twice-yearly wine tasting trip taken by members of my family. I think most of the posts have concerned my dithering decisions about said trip (What shall I wear? How will I get there? Should I go at all?) This spring’s trip is next weekend. Let the dithering begin.

My first dither, about whether or not to go, actually did not take much debate. The first wine trip originated under the heading “Life’s too short.” Life is still too short. I will add the sub-heading “People don’t last forever.” Thus, my decision is made to spend time with my family when I have the chance.

A more troubling dither (to me, anyways) is what shall I wear? I still haven’t taken off the five or so pounds I put on over the holidays. Oh don’t stand there tsk-tsking at me (you know who you are); nobody’s perfect. In my defense, this is my first year of being in my fifties. I daresay my metabolism has changed.

I’m not inclined to purchase new clothes for my current waistline. I shall look to my existing wardrobe for inspiration. If only I could know for certain what the weather will be like. Cold? Warm? Precipitation? Sunlight? Perhaps the operative thing to do would be to have two or three potential outfits in mind. Have I enough clothes in my wardrobe for such a thing? Am I clever enough to plan one outfit with sufficient layers to take all possibilities into account? Oh don’t bother to answer that last question; I know I’m not.

This is turning into a rather silly blog post, even for me. Oh, and that reminds me of another thing! I have to plan ahead for my blog posts. Both my potential transportation schemes have me leaving the house on Friday. I might not return till Sunday. For the least possible stress it would be a good idea if I typed in posts for Friday, Saturday and Sunday on Thursday night. Well, for Friday and Saturday at least. We all know I don’t sweat Wrist to Forehead Sunday.

I have other dithering questions. What to bring? When and how to fill my thermos with coffee? Do I have enough cash on hand? Answers often raise more questions.

To make matters worse, I’m thinking I will get no sympathy for my wealth of indecision. “Oh, quit blubbering and get on with it!” I will admit, as problems go, these are some pretty fun problems to have. And not for nuthin’ but, with all the kinds of wealth to be blessed with, I would get a wealth of indecision. Just saying.

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Running with Judge Mathis

Posted on March 27, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I had been thinking in a vague sort of way about running after work, so as to have something to write about. However, the unseasonably cold temperatures continue. I thought I might bundle up and run anyways, but the wind was so bitter, I became discouraged. However, I did manage a little something.

First I did my Twist Challenge for the day (see yesterday’s post). Steven nicely found “Wipe Out” on You Tube for me and I twisted while it played. Of course that was only two minutes and forty seconds. That won’t get me back into those size ten jeans. So I pulled out the mini-tramp and started running in place.

Previously when I have jogged on the mini-tramp, I put in a movie. I didn’t take the time to do that today. “Judge Mathis” was on TV (Steven likes judge shows). So I watched. None of these judge shows are what you might call classy, and Judge Mathis’ litigants do nothing to raise the bar. I like him, though. He’s tough but caring. Sometimes he lets the people yell at each other too much, but some producers seem to think audiences love that kind of thing (that might be a whole other blog post).

The first case made me laugh, because I think the two girls just wanted to be on TV. In fact, Judge Mathis accused them of it. They said no, but after the case one asked the other to be her bridesmaid. I have not spent much time in a courtroom, but I have to think that is unusual.

One thing I noticed running in place while watching TV. A minute lasts a long time. Even longer than that last minute before break at work. But I persevered. At one point, Steven played “Wipe Out” again, and I twisted on the mini-tramp. He didn’t turn the volume all the way down on the television, though, so we didn’t lose track of the case.

Eventually Judge Mathis was through meting out justice for the day, and I felt I had gotten some exercise I’m afraid it hardly makes for an exciting blog post. However, it is Wuss-out Wednesday. Happy Mid-Week, everyone.

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Twisted Challenge

Posted on March 26, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

Alternate title: Not Wiped Out Yet

The other day on Facebook my sister issued the Wipe Out Challenge. You play the song “Wipe Out” and dance the twist. During the drum solos you go side to side or twerk. I forget how many days you are supposed to keep this up.

I will say right up front that I have never twerked in my life and I do not intend to start (although I did just flash on that Disney song about “Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s off twerk we go!”) (I always suspected that was the kind of ho they meant) (but I digress). However, I am a past master of twisting. I won a contest at it once. And I used to twist on the pads between machines at Curves.

“Wipe Out” is not one of the songs we own in our rather large CD collection (oh don’t start on me about I-pods or whatever they are, I am doing just fine with my CDs, thank you). Steven found it on YouTube. It was only two minutes and forty seconds. No matter, I was declining the challenge.

I changed my mind later on. I was waiting for my popcorn to pop (on the stove with oil, as God intended). I started singing the “Wipe Out” song and dancing. “Di da-da DAH di-da-da di da-da DAH di-da-da…” I kept an eye on the clock and continued for about three minutes. Tabby came out and danced with me for part of the time.

The next day after work I sought out a particular Roomful of Blues CD which contained a song I often dance the twist to. Ah, two minutes and forty seconds. Perfect. I got to twisting. I had previously taken Tabby for a twenty minute walk (perhaps you read my blog post about it). I know that thirty minutes of exercise are recommended, so I thought to twist for ten minutes. It took me three songs to do it. I’ve known for a long time that many songs are good to twist to.

Tuesday (today) I knew I would be challenged to find a time to twist. Steven was picking me up at work and we were driving to Rome. It was a cold morning. Steven let the car warm up before taking me to work. While it warmed, I started singing and twisting. Once again Tabby danced with me. I made up words to the “Wipe Out” tune: “Well it’s a cutie little schnoodle, it’s a cutie little schnoodle…” Three minutes is not too long to dance and sing about your dog.

So that makes three days. Will I continue to meet the challenge? Hard to say. I am thinking of it more as the Twister Challenge than the Wipe Out Challenge. In any case, I needed a blog post and this was better than my usual Tired Tuesday. If only I’m not too tired to type it in.

And, as you see, I was not. Rock on!

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Come On, Spring!

Posted on March 25, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I begin my week with a Pedestrian Post (we all know the week begins Monday not Sunday, right?) rather than a Middle-aged Musings Monday. I did write something earlier, but it’s not ready yet. I want it to marinade in my brain before I edit further.

And can I just say, dammit, it’s the last week of March. Is 50 degrees too much to ask? Apparently so. Still, the sun was out, sporadically at least. I thought, hat, gloves, a scarf in case the wind picks up. I’d be fine.

Of course I forgot to put on the gloves and scarf. What can I say, it’s been a long day and I had an anxious schnoodle barking at me to hurry up. I pulled my sleeves down over my hands (my coats are all too big on me) and hoped for the best.

It wasn’t too bad on my hands. When the wind picked up, however, my face got to feeling quite uncomfortable. Oh well, these things happen. Dogs must be walked, after all, and I needed the exercise myself. At least there weren’t as many puddles or treacherous patches of ice. Enough to keep me on my toes but not enough to land me on my ass. Luckily.

We walked down Bellinger Street, sometimes on bare sidewalk, sometimes on muddy grass. We saw some workers from National NiMo working on something in a hole in the street. Tabby looked interested, but I didn’t let her go investigate. She probably thought the workers wanted to pet her.

Continuing down one street I saw three houses posted as uninhabitable. Oh dear. I suppose these things happen in every town. I looked around for something more cheerful to observe. I saw a free-standing porch swing in somebody’s yard. That made me think fondly of sitting outside, which I’m sure will be possible around here one day soon. March is too early for that even at more seasonable temperatures, I reminded myself.

I saw a beer can in the street and realized I had forgotten to bring a bag to put it in. No matter, I had two poop bags. One could just as easily be a can bag. I found two more cans as the walk continued. I laughed at myself for being pleased over fifteen cents. Then again, it didn’t cost me anything but a little effort to pick them up. I was taking the walk anyways. It will cost a little more effort and some gas to take the cans to the redemption center, but I can wait till I’ve collected a few more before I do that.

Soon I hope to be seeing crocuses when we take these walks. Then I can admire other people’s gardens, comparing them favorably or otherwise with mine. Ooh, and I can write blog posts about my gardening adventures. Come on, spring!

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Oh, Who Wants to Get Anything Done Anyways?

Posted on March 24, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I need a new approach. I spend all week not getting a lot done and thinking, “I MUST do a lot on the weekend.” Then on the weekend, I don’t get anything done. I spend most of the day Sunday REALLY not wanting to get anything done, least of all a blog post. Eventually I manage to write a Wrist to Forehead Sunday post. Then I go on to Monday and start the whole cycle again.

Then again, it is nice to have a routine.

I did not spend Saturday having Mohawk Valley adventures, as I would have liked to have done. Not many adventures offered themselves to begin with, and I got a muscle spasm, also known as a crick in my neck. I had already managed a rather nice walk with Tabby, so I didn’t feel too guilty about my dog. I took some ibuprofen and made the best of things.

Local readers may be thinking, “BUT weren’t you supposed to register for the Boilermaker?” Indeed, registration was Saturday, and the 15K race filled up in something like three hours. I was not one of the 14,000 ambitious runners. Sorry to disappoint any regular readers (if anybody was paying attention in the first place). I just couldn’t count on my back allowing me to train properly. In my defense, I have run the Boilermaker three times and I will continue to run, perhaps participating in other local runs which will make perfectly acceptable blog posts.

I probably could have written an entire post apologizing for not registering for the Boilermaker, but that might have smacked of slimy self-justification and weaselly rationalization. Well, only people who are ACTUALLY RUNNING THE BOILERMAKER THIS YEAR have any right to shake their fingers or their heads at me (you can shake your groove thing at any time).

Well, here I am over 300 words. More than respectable for a Wrist to Forehead Sunday. I must confess, I enjoyed writing this one. I hope somebody has enjoyed reading it.

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About that Play…

Posted on March 23, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I apologize to local readers (if any). I really prefer to attend Ilion Little Theatre (ILT) productions opening weekend. That way readers of the post about the play have another weekend to catch the show. Didn’t happen this time. Then again, I often write about events that were one-shot deals, and people do still have two more chances to catch Don’t Talk to the Actors (if you act quickly, as they say in the infomercials).

We arrived at the theatre on Remington Avenue in Ilion, NY right around 7:30 p.m. last night (Friday, March 21). We wanted to get there early, in case the play sold out. It had played to very appreciative audiences opening weekend. We knew it had gotten good word of mouth. There were plenty of seats left, although we had to discommode people sitting on the end of the row. We like to sit in the middle, although at ILT there are no bad seats that I know of.

As we waited for the show to start, we perused our programs and, as always, looked around at the framed posters on the walls. So many plays! I love to look at the dates and look for names I know.

The director didn’t make the usual curtain speech. It was made by a character in the play, the most sought after stage manager on Broadway. A nice touch which pulled us right into the story.

It is a fun story for any theatre lover, especially ones like Steven and me, who have worked on many plays and perhaps harbored Broadway dreams of our own at one time (I’m not saying we actually did, but perhaps). A naive playwright and his innocent fiance are in New York City, where the playwright’s play is about to be produced. I did think it was kind of funny that Buffalo was treated as a small town, from which people came who had NO IDEA how to cope with the rat race of NYC. I always thought Buffalo was kind of a big city. Then again, I live in Herkimer.

I guess I don’t need to tell you that things do not go quite as expected for our hero and heroine (wouldn’t be much of a play if they did). It is a very funny and surprisingly touching story. I expected the funny, because of what I’d heard beforehand, but the touching was a nice surprise.

We laughed out loud in many places, as did a lot of the audience. We enjoyed some coffee and candy during intermission. Another highlight of my evening was winning the 50/50 raffle at intermission. Proceeds from the 50/50 go toward framing the posters I always admire on the wall. Some nice people donate their winnings back, but I greedily kept mine. Don’t judge.

I recommend the production and, like I said, if you hurry, you have two more chances to see it: tonight, Saturday, March 22 at 8 p.m. and Sunday, March 23 at 2 p.m. For more information, check out ILT’s website at www.ilionlittletheatre.org. You can also Like their Facebook page.

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Maybe Tomorrow I Can Write About the Play

Posted on March 22, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I was so certain my gyrations this afternoon would yield material for a blog post that I didn’t write a thing all day. Well, a letter to my sister. I know, doesn’t count.

And now I must quickly come up with something. You see, we are going to Ilion Little Theatre (ILT) to see Don’t Talk to the Actors. We were supposed to go last Friday to see it, but I had a headache. I mean a really bad headache. I may have written a blog post about it. Today I had a headache again. I guess it was a good headache, because it’s mostly gone now. Phew!

I’m looking forward to the play, as I do to any ILT production. This one I am especially anxious to see. It is directed by Steve Wagner, who played Elwood P. Dowd in Harvey year before last. I played his sister (in case you missed all my myriad blog posts about that production). He’s cool. The cast features a number of ILT veterans, including two who are returning to the stage. Goody.

So I spent all afternoon, thinking I have to go here, do this, hurry there, get that done and, oh yeah, think of something to wear. I thought at least the wardrobe would be worth a post (this is Lame Post Friday after all). But no, I drove around and did all my stuff without drama. I even figured out something respectable and not very exciting to wear.

I’m ready to go. I only have to publish my blog post. And here it is, boring but done.

The play, by the way, is at the Stables, Remington Avenue, Ilion, NY, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, March 21, 22, 23, 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday. For more information visit their website, www.ilionlittletheatre.org, or their Facebook page (Ilion Little Theatre Club).

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I’m Afraid this is a Post about Movies

Posted on March 21, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

This past weekend as I was running in place on the mini-tramp and watching Nosferatu (1922), I began to consider the question what makes a movie scary?

I describe Nosferatu as possibly the scariest movie ever made. I am sure there are many who disagree (not even counting the ones who disagree just to be disagreeable) (you know who you are). However, having seen an auditorium of young children reduced to tears over it, I feel comfortable in calling it a scary movie.

As I ran, I asked myself, am I being scared right now? The answer was generally no. During a few shots I said, “Ooh, scary!” but in fact I was not frightened.

Then again, it was broad daylight. I remember once years and years ago reading the book The Amityville Horror. My sister had read it first. She was reading it one night when I came home from babysitting. As was my habit, I ran home, burst into the house and slammed the door behind me. My sister knew I was expected, knew it was me as I came through the door, and still jumped a foot in the air when I slammed it shut.

She proceeded to tell me every scary thing she had just been reading and made me walk with her to her upstairs bedroom. I came back downstairs and had to spend a good half hour reading the Bible and watching “Highlights from Bing Crosby Christmas Specials” (which I providentially found on the meager cable available in the ’70s) before I dared to go to bed myself. After all, we were the last ones up. ALL the lights were going to be off.

With this in mind, I looked forward to reading the book myself. I started it one evening. Yikes! I finished it the following afternoon. What a disappointment! I know, I should have just waited till dark to finish it. As a reader, I am almost completely incapable of such behavior.

But getting back to Nosferatu, I wonder if I would have been more frightened had I watched it in the dark. I can see where it would have disturbed my sleep as a child. I would have lain in bed and just seen that scary vampire somewhere out there in the dark. The big nose, the deep-set eyes — no sexy savoir-faire for this blood sucker. I’d be watching the wall for his eerie shadow with the long, claw-like fingers. Ooohh.

On this last viewing, however, I noted and admired his scariness, but I was not scared. I was pleased that my interest was caught enough that I ran a little faster and kept running till the dramatic conclusion. But my sleep patterns were not disturbed (at least, I had my usual insomnia, but that’s a whole other topic).

So I had to ask myself: what makes a movie scary? One answer is: that you think it might happen to you. Many people suffer from a fear of birds after watching Alfred Hitchcock’s movie about them. That’s a pretty scary movie by this criteria, because those were perfectly ordinary birds such as you might see anywhere, until… It could happen! Right here! Right now! EEEEEeee!

Monster movies, when one looks at them rationally, should not be as scary, because we know there are no monsters. Or do we? I will probably never see a vampire coming at me, of the Max Schreck or Bela Lugosi variety. But IF I did, it would be scary! This is where having a vivid imagination (as I do) can greatly enhance your enjoyment of a scary movie.

Next time, I’m watching that movie after dark. Maybe on the night of a full moon.

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Getting Ready for the Boilermaker

Posted on March 20, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

Today I did it! I came home from work, ran, and now I’m writing a blog post about it.

The weather forecast called for rain, but the rain had stopped a while before I left work. Of course, since most of the puddles were of melting snow origin to begin with, I knew I would have a wet run. No matter. The Boilermaker isn’t getting any further away. I was running.

The temperature was below 40, so I put on leggings and long sleeves. The shirt was a birthday present from my sister. It is specifically made for running. It is form-fitting. I looked at my bulges in the mirror and said, “Hmmm.” My sister had also given me a reflective vest. That would cover the bulges and be safe. Of course, it was daylight and I intended to stick to the sidewalks, so I might look like a total geek. Then again, when has that stopped me? The vest had the added advantage of a zipper pouch. I could lock the door and put the key there, so my dog Tabby would be safe too.

Tabby was disappointed that I was leaving her behind, but I reminded her that she doesn’t like running with me (she wants to stop and sniff too many times). I was off.

The day was still overcast and gloomy. Fortunately, I like it that way. The grey atmosphere suited my mood, because, I’ll be honest, I did not feel like running. Till I started actually running and then, well, it got a little better.

But not a whole lot better. Those damn puddles! I couldn’t plow right through the way I could walking in my flood boots. I would have splashed all over myself and then slogged along with sodden shoes. I went around as best as I could. Some areas were better than others, because a lot of the snow had melted and I could run in the muddy grass. I ran over some snow. The shallow stuff was OK, but the deeper banks were dangerous. And the ice. Yikes!

However, I did encounter a few long stretches of lovely bare sidewalk. Aahhh. And many places that at least offered a place to skirt around the water and ice. And in a pinch, there was always the road. Remember, I had on a reflective vest.

I must admit, this was one of the runs where I felt good that I ran more than I actually felt good after the run. Then again, I’m just getting back into it. And I’ve done the math. If I persist and add the recommended ten percent each week, I will be in grand shape for the Boilermaker.

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Best Laid Plans

Posted on March 19, 2014 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought the time had returned when I would come home from work, go running, and write a blog post about it. I put out running clothes last night when I put out my work clothes. I spent the day questioning my choice of running clothes and deciding what I would wear instead (because of how warm it was, not because I’m a running clothes horse).

And then my back betrayed me.

I guess us middle-aged ladies need to treat our bodies differently from how we treated them when we were in our resilient twenties (as if I remember that far back!). In any case, it seemed like a really dumb idea to spend the latter half of the afternoon at work complaining about my back pain, then go home and do something that would probably make it worse.

And any smug people sitting there smirking at me like I’m making up some lame excuse (they won’t openly accuse me of it, they’ll just sit there giving me that look — oh I HATE that look!) (you know who you are)… well, if you ever feel a fraction of my pain, just remember not to take pain relievers on an empty stomach.

Be that as it may, I took a walk instead, with my wonderful husband, Steven, and my delightful schnoodle, Tabby. I wore my flood boots, because some of those puddles are pretty deep. You know, where the snow banks on either side of the sidewalk act as dams (those damn snowbanks!) (get it? I thought it was clever). Steven did not wear his and had to do some fancy stepping to not get his feet soaked. I walked carefully through each one. Less twisting and maneuvering was better for my back.

Unfortunately, the walk was short and not very eventful. Then again, it’s a Tired Tuesday. Let’s see what I can come up with for Wuss-out Wednesday. As always, I hope you’ll stay tuned.

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