Tag Archives: depression

Yes, He Brought Me Coffee

Hello, and welcome to another late post, made around five in the morning, ten finger typing on the lap top. I have not even had coffee yet but expect my husband Steven to bring me a cup when he gets himself one right along here.

Last night I began to made a Tired Tuesday Post and just did not want to do it. For one reason, all I wanted to do was whine about how stressed and depressed I felt. For heavens’ sake, many, many people are stressed and depressed. I do not have any more reason to feel so than anybody else, considerably less than some. And from me, it is getting dull.

One thing I did to help myself last night was to go for a run. It was not a bad run. It was certainly not a long run. It felt as if I was running fast, for me. Unfortunately I had my Garmin on and was discouraged to find that fast for me is just under a 13-minute mile. Well, what am I so discouraged about? I am not racing against anybody.

On the brighter side, quite literally, a few people still have their Christmas lights on. Tradition has it we should leave our decorations up till January 6, you know, Twelve Days of Christmas. I have long wanted to throw a Twelfth Night Party. For one reason, it would postpone my Post-Christmas Letdown. For another reason, I like to give a party.

I see I have rambled on for more than 250 words. By my rules for me, that is more than respectable for a Late Tired Tuesday Post. I wonder if I should also categorize this as a Non-Sequitur Post. Or add a category of Just Babble On Till 200 Words Category. Any thoughts?

Write Something, Anything

I am afraid this will be a Slacker Saturday Post, although I had hopes of one of the Scattered variety. There was no chance of a Saturday Running Commentary as I woke to rain and icy roads.

After much hesitation (after all, my mother reads do this blog), I must confess that my depression has been kicking my ass lately. I am plagued by indecision, do-nothingism, and general despair.

I feel rotten about myself for giving in to such feelings. Do something, anything, I exhort myself. I am not wrong to do so, because very often doing something, anything can help. Unfortunately, doing something, anything can be very difficult.

Mostly I worry that I am being a whiny baby. Other people have way worse problems than me. I really do have much to be grateful for. I read somewhere that you cannot feel gratitude and depression at the same time. Quite frankly, I don’t know what idiot said that, but I am guessing it is someone who never suffered from depression.

So I am embarrassed for sharing my possibly unjustified tears and sadness. Yet I dare to do so in case somebody reading this feels the same way. It is such a comfort to feel that one is not alone.

As for myself, I will continue to do what I can: exercise, eat right, and strive to do something, anything. For example, make a blog post every day, as I like to do. Here is Saturday’s. Thank you for tuning in. I hope you will return for whatever kind of post Sunday’s turns out to be.

I’m Not a Monster

This will either be a Wuss-Out Wednesday or Mid-Week Monsters. I wonder if I could be suffering from a post-Christmas letdown. Really, I feel quite ashamed of myself for being in any kind of a bad mood, let alone sliding into depression and despair. My life is not all that bad, especially when I look at what others are going through. Additionally, there is the thought that we must do what we can to improve our own circumstances.

Reflecting on those last two sentences does not always help. Sometimes it snowballs the mood, because of the added guilt and feeling of What-the-hell-is-the-matter-with-me? I am not currently experiencing such a snowball, so there’s that.

Kafka knew from monsters.

I was searching my Media Library for a monster picture, just to take a break from whatever we might call the preceding paragraphs, when I came across a quote I like. I was just questioning whether I should continue this admittedly foolish post. Kafka obviously feels I should. So there.

Like this monster, Kafka?

Now there’s a monster who never did any writing. He is from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, one of my favorite cheesy horror movies. I wonder if I can talk Steve into watching cheesy horror movies for New Year’s Eve. Or we could go with the classics. Classic horror movies, of course.

He is fine, yes.

I see I am over 200 words, so I feel I have met my minimum standard. I am also feeling some improvement mood-wise. As I observed on Sunday, monsters often help.

I’m Having Trouble With This One

So I wrote a whole blog post and WordPress would not let me publish it.  It would not even save it at first, telling me I could not use those terms.  Then I found it in Drafts with no Categories or Tags (which I had so included), so I am trying again. 

This is going to be a Tired Tuesday Post. I did not do much today except to move a little closer to becoming employed. I don’t like to say much about that. For one reason, this is not a work blog. For another… well, I had another reason and started to tell it, but it was too complicated. Or incoherent.

Aren’t they jolly?

I decided to throw in a picture to pep things up. These Santa Clauses did not make it downstairs this year. It has not been a good year for decorating for me.

How about this cutie?

I decided to throw in a little snow for good measure. This is a picture from this year. All that snow went away and has not been replaced yet, which is completely fine with me.

This is me.

This picture showed up in my Facebook Memories. It was two years ago, at the Reindeer Run 5K in Little Falls, NY. I hope the Run returns next year.

I seem a bit disjointed today. This is not unusual for me, especially lately, and I guess it is not really surprising. I am having a difficult time doing anything, and when I do something, I am plagued by the certainty that it is the wrong thing to do and I am doing it poorly in any case.

There, I was trying not to whine about my petty little malaise and I went ahead and did it anyways. I offer my apologies but will not delete the paragraph. For one reason, I see I am over 250 words. By my own rules for me, making a blog post is the right thing to do, so I have that going for me.

I hope to see you all tomorrow. I will strive not to have a Wuss-Out Wednesday, but no promises.

 

 

About Politics

I was too depressed to make a blog post last night. I thought of making a post about that but was halted by the thought, “My mother will read this!” I do not want her to worry. I know, she will read those too sentences. But I felt I should mention that this post is late and why.

One reason I am quite depressed is the same reason many people are depressed: politics. I try to stay off politics in this blog. For one reason, I try to be upbeat, a booster for the area, as my subheading says, a “totally fun blog.” Politics is rarely fun.

The main reason I dislike talking about politics, and this is perhaps a cowardly reason, is that people who disagree with me will express their opinions, often in a hurtful, disparaging way. Because of my depression, I am likely to interpret arguments as disparaging and hurtful even if they are not meant that way, but these days many people feel free to insult and belittle those that disagree with them.

I am no hand at argument. I cannot think of the right thing to say till well after I have responded, even when I have had time to think about it in the first place. Usually I never come up with the right words. The other side always wins, and my side of the argument is poorly represented. So by expressing my opinion, I am not changing hearts and minds but merely giving the other side a forum for express their opinion.

This raises a couple of thoughts in my mind. First: Isn’t that the point of the First Amendment? Robust argument? Everybody gets a chance to talk? By expressing all ideas we will eventually arrive at the best ideas? This is, of course, the ideal. And I think many in this country have lost sight of that ideal. Many people do not listen to arguments with thought, looking for the truth or what part they might agree with. They are just waiting their turn to talk (if they do not interrupt).

Second, and this is another depressing one: Maybe I always lose the argument because my opinions are wrong. SAY IT AIN’T SO!!! In the first place, I do not believe my opinions are wrong, because they are well thought out, based on by own observation and experience and education. Additionally, my opinions are shared by many people who I respect. There may be places where I could modify my opinions or seek compromise on what I think is he best think to do. I must bear this in mind when I read others’ opinions. That is a timely reminder for me.

I am feeling less depressed as I type this (with ten fingers on the laptop this time, by the way). Just Writing often helps, of course. Additionally, I feel happy to have expressed myself. And if anybody wants to argue my points in the comments, feel free. I know none of my regular readers would express themselves in a hurtful, disparaging way, even if that is the point of the First Amendment.

Late Post Friday

Here I am once again, typing in a post (OK, picking out one letter at a time with the stylus) early on the morning after I was supposed to make said post. Yes, they are only my rules for me, but I feel I should follow them a little better than I do. But never mind that: on with the post.

I am still figuring out this new editor and somehow put these two vaguely related photos here. I daresay I could get rid of them easily enough, but I prefer to just go with it.

The picture on the left is Pete’s Tavern, on North Main Street in Herkimer, NY. The one on the right is Herkimer County Courthouse, further up Main at my beloved Historic Four Corners.

Next annoying thing about this new editor: I can’t see my word count as I go. How will I know when I reach my goal of 200 words? Shall I count them, as I did back in my pre-computer school days? Let us not resort to drastic measures.

This is turning into a Non-Sequitur Post, as I accidentally choose another photo and go with it. This is the Rose of Sharon from our backyard. I need to do some yard work this weekend. That might make a better blog post.

I am just going to admit here that I am fighting another bout of depression. I hesitate to say so, because my mother reads this blog and I do not want her to worry. Then, too, I can hear some people saying, “Poor pitiful you! Stop whining already!” Oh wait, that is my inner critic. But perhaps she has a point. A cup of coffee, a good run. I’ll be fine.

And I will strive to make my Saturday blog post on Saturday .

Is This a Blog Post to be Happy About?

I guess this is going to be a Tired Tuesday post.  It’s Tuesday.  I’m tired.  But one must keep one’s spirits up.  At least, I am trying to do so.  For the main reason, I feel I should not be a burden on others with my anxiety and depression.

Earlier today I went for a walk to the post office.  I took my Tablet with me, thinking to take some cheerful spring pictures.  Alas, the wind blew coldly and I was disinclined to make any stops.  I was skeptical of my ability to get good pictures in any case.

Oh dear, this is not a cheerful post, despite my best intentions.  Well, we are many of us struggling with our emotions these days.  These days have such a weird, unnatural quality,  and the future is impossible to predict.  Additionally,  I am feeling a great amount of guilt about how little I am accomplishing during this period of enforced inactivity.

However, it does me no good to dwell on these negative thoughts.  What did I just say in the first paragraph about keeping my spirits up?  Yes, I am trying to do so.

One thing I can feel kind of sort of happy about is that I have made a blog post.  Perhaps not one of my best, but one cannot always meet the highest standard, can one?  Or can one?  Could I in fact meet the highest standard every day if I tried?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

Trying for a Smile on Throwback Thursdsy

How about a nice Throwback Thursday post?  I hope I do not use pictures I have used too recently, but they will be pictures I have used before.  And there is a good chance I will say the same things about them.  Maybe I can think of something new.  Let’s see.

One of the all time greatest casts I have worked with!

I went back to March 2017 and found this gem.  It is the cast of Leading Ladies, the play I directed for Ilion Little Theatre in the spring of 2016.  Perhaps you read a few of my blog posts about it.  I SO look forward to getting together with my theatre friends again!

There’s trouble at the speakeasy!

This picture was also in March 2017, and is also from a wonderful theatrical experience, Rubbed Out At Ruby’s, an interactive murder mystery I wrote.  We were scheduled to present it again in April as  fundraiser for RCIL, but, alas, it has been postponed.

At least he looks relaxed!

This was the first picture I noticed, of our much missed late pooch, Spunky.  I wasn’t going to use it, because I thought it would make me feel too sad.  Then thinking about theatre experiences past and not knowing when I will have more…

Come, come, this will never do.  I do not mean to make a blog post purely to moan and groan about how depressed I feel!  That won’t help anybody.  Let me see what is in March 2018.

Yikes!

Here’s some theatrics that may bring a smile!  We were making a DVD on the Right to Bare Arms, for the Herkimer County Historical Society to use at a Celebrity Roast for Marc Butler in 2015.  It was great fun.

That is what I strive to do: keep a smile on my face.  There really is a lot to smile about.  The other stuff I can’t really do much about.  At least I can keep making my daily post!

 

I Left Out Play Solitaire

On the brighter side, it has been a long time since I had a really bad headache.  On the dimmer side, well, here I am on Thursday morning, typing in my Wednesday post.  I actually wrote something Wednesday morning.  It kind of took a turn, so I was not going to use it, but now I find it appropriate.  We can either call it Mid-Week Middle-aged Musings or, perhaps more appropriately, Wuss-out Wednesday.

I must write my update on Brainstorming the Bard.  It might serve as inspiration for me to get my act together and perhaps as comfort to other disorganized people, that they are not alone or even the worst.

Alas, it is not only lack of organization that plagues me.  It is the paralysis of will that I fear is a symptom of my depression. In short, I am finding it damn difficult to do ANYTHING.

I get up in the morning, feeling rather ill-used about it, but most of us are used to that.  I get to work and manage to function (my job is not difficult).  I go home and sometimes manage a chore or two (Just Do One Thing is my meager motto).  But all I really want to do is sit, stare into space, maybe read a book, do a puzzle, crochet or knit while watching a true crime show.

At least the last mentioned  will eventually result in an object that may be useful to someone, but these are not activities that will help me reach any of my life goals.

That is when I stopped writing and began to work on a puzzle, till it was time to go to work.  And now I am over 250 words, so I have that going for me.  That is a thing I have been saying lately.  As in tomorrow’s Friday, so I have that going for me.  Ah, I feel a wave of optimism coming over me:  in truth, I have a lot of things going for me.  Full disclosure:  this reflection does not always help.  As I may have mentioned before, sometimes when I think of all the good things in my life, it makes me feel worse, because how can I dare feel depressed, ungrateful wretch that I am.  Today, I feel grateful.  I think it is going to be a good day.  I will try to blog about it tonight, if my headache doesn’t come back.

 

Merry Christmas Anyways

I wonder if anybody has noticed that I have not posted since Sunday.  I have no valid excuse.  I have a few lame ones but I am loathe to share them, largely because my mother reads this blog and I don’t want her to worry.  Ooh, too late now, unless I delete this paragraph.

I can’t do that.  I haven’t posted for three days; I can’t get the type-it-in-backspace-it-out disease now.

However, it seems I can possibly get the hit-Save-but-don’t-Publish-it disease.  I confess to having a few atrophied partial posts floating in my Drafts.  Every so often I pull one out and try to finish it.  No luck so far.

So basically, what I am offering today is Yet Another Post About Being Unable To Make A Decent Blog Post.  Could that possibly be worth a three day wait?  You tell me.

The main reason I have not been able to post is my ongoing struggles with depression.  I dislike mentioning it, because I do not want to be whining, especially as I feel my problems are far less than what others deal with.  Incidentally,  the latter reflection makes me feel even worse.  What an ungrateful wretch am I!

However, perhaps other readers also suffer from depression, and they might like to feel that they are not alone.  They may even get a frisson of superiority if they are dealing with their problems with greater aplomb than I can muster.  Remember: no life is wasted, because one can always stand as a bad example.

In summary:  I have not been posting lately, because I have felt paralyzed by my depression.  However, it is nothing for anybody to worry about, should anybody feel so inclined.  This will probably just morph over into a common or garden post-Christmas letdown. I have survived those before.

On the brighter side (see, I can usually find one of those), once I hit Publish,  I have finally made a blog post.  Phew!  I was getting worried that not posting was going to become a habit.