Me and Joan Crawford

Posted on January 5, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

The Mohawk Valley experienced some very cold temperatures yesterday. My place of employment became rather uncomfortable.

Regular readers (and WordPress tells me I have a few) know that I rarely blog about my work. It’s not that kind of a blog, and I don’t want to get in trouble with management (go ahead, call me a chicken). Well, this isn’t really about work.

I work in an old building, actually a series of old buildings all kind of hooked together. It is not very well insulated. The temperature varies from building to building and from section to section within each building. Guess which section in which building was the coldest. I suppose I can’t say for sure it was mine, because it’s really too big a place to check the whole thing out, but in my limited perambulations, where I work was cold.

Then I remembered: Joan Crawford. Joan Crawford always insisted that the sets of her movies be kept at cold temperatures, because it made the skin on her face tighter and minimized the appearance of wrinkles. I wash my face in cold water most mornings for that reason. Joan used to stick her face in a sink full of ice cubes, but that would involve a trip down to the kitchen for me and I’m too lazy to be beautiful.

Once I remembered Joan Crawford and her little beauty trick, I felt much better about everything. Of course I had to share my happiness, so I went and found my friend Sally and explained the whole thing to her.

“We’re glamorous!” I assured her. She was suitably impressed. I went back to work refreshed.

A short time later, I heard a voice exclaim, “Hey, isn’t that Joan Crawford?” It was Harry, a mutual friend of mine and Sally’s. “Wow! I thought it was Joan Crawford!”

I burst out laughing. I don’t suppose I’m hideous, but despite my earlier assurances to Sally, it was not one of my more glamorous moments. For one thing, I was wearing my knitted toque against the cold. No lipstick. My blue collar clothes of BDU pants, a t-shirt and steel toed work boots. He kept assuring me he thought it was Joan Crawford and I kept laughing. Afterwards I reflected, Harry is much younger than me. I’m not sure he knows who Joan Crawford is; he may have thought I meant Joan Collins.

The next time I had occasion to talk to Sally, I said, “I have so much in common with Joan Crawford!” She confessed to sharing my remarks with Harry, and told me a few silly things Harry had said about an unrelated topic (subject for another blog post? Watch out, Harry!).

Sometime later, I looked across at Harry and Sally and saw them pointing and laughing. I went over and demanded an explanation. It seems they were in the middle of a conversation when Harry had interrupted himself to say, “Oh my God, it’s Joan Crawford!” and I chose that moment to let out a huge, head-splitting yawn. Like I said, not my most glamorous day.

So today I told both Sally and Harry that I intended to use the episode for a blog post. I said regular readers may remember them as candidates for the role of French maid in a previous post. Harry’s one regret was that he had not picked more imaginative aliases. Perhaps Buttercup and Westley.

In conclusion, I think now we all know why I so rarely blog about my work. Happy Friday, everyone.

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Bela and the Baboon

Posted on January 4, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I seem to remember mentioning a cheesy horror flick involving Bela Lugosi and a baboon. Having no other topic at hand, I thought I’d try to write about it: Murders in the Rue Morgue (1932).

Full disclosure: I did not watch the whole movie. I didn’t even pay a whole lot of attention to the parts I did watch. For a horror movie based on an Edgar Allen Poe story, starring Bela Lugosi and featuring a killer ape, I found it to be a pretty dull movie.

According to the Guide on digital cable, the movie concerns Lugosi murdering women for his experiments with apes. They had me at Bela Lugosi, but mad scientist and murders (after all, they go together) sounded good too.

The picture opens during Carnival in Paris. Many revelers are having a wonderful time, including a beautiful girl, a handsome man and his not so handsome friend. They go into a side show where they meet Lugosi and the killer ape, although of course they don’t know it’s a killer at the time.

“It’s only a baboon,” comforts Handsome Man when Beautiful Girl is frightened. I don’t know if it was a baboon, a gorilla or an overgrown chimpanzee. I can’t even be sure whether it was an authentic animal or a guy in a suit. These days I suppose they would have faked something up with CGI, quite possibly having first indulged in a little research. I made him a baboon in the headline for alliterative purposes, but you probably guessed that.

I’d like to just say a word about Bela’s hair (I know it’s more proper to refer to him by his last name, but I just feel I want to call him Bela). It’s not the elegant, slicked back Dracula look we are used to. It’s wild, shaggy and almost curly. Like he used volumizing mousse instead of maximum hold gel, although I have no idea what hair products were available at the time this movie was made (I did not indulge in any research while writing this post. Sorry). As a theatre person myself, I have no problem with an actor mixing it up a little, changing appearance to serve the character. It was just a little disconcerting is all. He still has the scariest eyes in show business.

Do I really need to tell anybody that he meets Beautiful Girl and is immediately taken with her? When she gets too close to the cage and the baboon snatches her bonnet, Bela smoothly promises to send her a new one, what’s you address, my dear? Handsome Man blocks that gambit, but not to worry. Bela has at least one henchman who can follow Beautiful Girl home. Just in case anybody was worried that the mad scientist would not get her into his evil clutches eventually.

Apparently he has already had other women in his evil clutches. We only see him actually abduct one, but when the authorities find her dead body (did I need to include a spoiler alert that somebody dies in a movie with “Murders” in the title?), we learn that she is not the first. Soon Handsome Man is investigating the murders, something to do with something in their blood, while letting his Not So Handsome Roommate eat all the lunch.

I stopped paying attention about the time Beautiful Girl gets the new bonnet from Bela and doesn’t worry too much about how he found her, because it’s such a fetching piece of headgear. So I don’t really know how she gets into his evil clutches or even what his evil plan is (although I know it has something to do with blood). Naturally there is a dramatic climax involving the baboon getting loose and climbing all over the city, but like I said, not really watching by that time. I may yet go back and watch it again, paying more attention this time. Which may or may not be worth another blog post.

I never read the story the movie is based on. The next time I go to the library I’ll look for it. Not that I expect it to inform any subsequent viewings of the movie. Hollywood is famous for taking liberties with adaptations and never more so than when they attempt Poe. In their defense, Poe is a very literary writer. Perhaps I should watch a series of movies based on Poe stories, read the stories and write a doctoral thesis (I bet you thought I was going to say blog post). Do you suppose I could find a university that would give me a degree for that?

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Overheard at the Diner

Posted on January 3, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

“New Hampshire is a made up state.”

I overheard that statement in Crazy Otto’s Empire Diner, Herkimer, NY, on Monday, when Steven and I went out for breakfast. I think the guy was teasing the young boy he was talking to. He went on to say that he had never met anybody from New Hampshire and was sure the young boy hadn’t either.

The conversation may have stemmed from one of the many license plates that decorate the diner. Our own Georgia plate resides on the ceiling at the opposite end from where we sat Monday.

I did not hear the rest of the conversation, so I don’t know what, if anything, was proved or disproved. I lead with it because it was the most unusual thing that happened during our breakfast out. I know I’ve devoted a few posts to Crazy Otto’s. I have to shake things up when I can.

It’s not so easy for Steven and me to go out for breakfast together as it used to be. Our work hours work against us. New Year’s Eve, however, I didn’t work and Steven went in at 1:30. We had errands to run. A bite of breakfast at Otto’s was the way to go.

I love looking around at the decor. In addition to the license plates, there are movie posters, retro ads and more. I was especially taken with an old ad for chocolate covered Twinkies. Why would they stop making such a thing? Oh, I know, Hostess is bankrupt, Twinkies are dead. But I don’t remember seeing chocolate covered Twinkies in the decadent ’80s or ’90s either. Good chance I would have bought them, especially in the ’80s when I was young and skinny (I bet you thought I was going to say “young and foolish.” Well, I was that, too). I later heard a young voice behind me saying, “Two for ten cents,” in an impressed tone, so I was not the only one noticing the Twinkies.

Our breakfast, to get back to the real food, was very tasty. I ordered a sandwich with egg, cheese and bacon on an English muffin. It came with homemade chips and a little carrot and raisin salad. Steven had French toast, fried eggs and a very large sausage patty. And, of course, plenty of hot coffee.

The next day, we found out our friends Phyllis and Jim had eaten at Crazy Otto’s. It seems Crazy Otto’s has a gluten free menu featuring a variety of choices. Phyllis was especially delighted with the gluten free pancakes. I said, “I’m going to mention that in my blog post!” Hi, Phyllis!

Crazy Otto’s is located on Albany Street in Herkimer. For more information call 314-866-8801. You can also “Like” them on Facebook.

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New Year, Same Old Me

Posted on January 2, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

First a correction from yesterday’s post: We did not tape Santa Claus Conquers the Martians from TCM but from AMC. AMC, at that time, was a delightful destination for us, showing many features with directly interested us. Now I fear they cater to a different demographic. TCM is our go to cable source for movies, which accounts for my mentioning it by mistake.

I take so long making the correction because, as has become deplorably common these days, I don’t have much. It’s kind of a dull, no brain day for me. In my defense, it’s New Year’s Day.

I actually did not party particularly heartily last night. I didn’t even stay up till midnight. I was watching the TruTV marathon of World’s Dumbest Partiers, so I may have gotten a contact buzz. Or would that be placebo effect? The power of suggestion?

In any case, I’ve spent most of the day watching some fairly creepy things on another cable channel I discovered called Chiller, with my unwritten blog post hanging over my head in a threatening fashion. I know, a dedicated blogger would have turned off the television, picked up a notebook and Written That Post.

And here we come to the ugly truth about me.

It is the last day of my four day weekend, so it is like a Sunday, and you know what that means. Wrist to Forehead Sunday!

I bet some of my readers are hoping I make a New Year’s Resolution to write fewer lame posts. Well, I strive always to improve. I did have a nice breakfast at Crazy Otto’s Empire Diner yesterday that I may write about tomorrow.

In the meantime, I am educating myself. The current feature on Chiller is Can You Survive a Horror Movie? Already I’ve gotten some useful tips on how to survive a zombie attack. Their experts don’t offer much hope for being buried alive, however.

The hosts of the show are willingly putting themselves in horror movie situations. Perhaps in 2013 I can do that myself with some of the cheesy horror features I review. I wonder who I can get to be Bela Lugosi.

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Cheesy Christmas

Posted on January 1, 2013 by mohawkvalleygirl

I wrote in a post earlier this month how I like to write about cheesy movies and was afraid people would hate on me if I wrote that way about Christmas movies. I tried to solve the problem with a cheesy Christmas movie: Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

I first heard of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians many long years ago in high school. I was writing a piece for Speech Club making fun of Milton’s “Paradise Lost” (I hated that poem), and my speech coach suggested I have one character ask another who claimed to be a great Actor (pronounced Ac-tore) if he wasn’t in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

In answer to the question I feel sure at least one of you just asked, yes, in fact, I could have been more of a geek. If I had studied more I would have been a great deal more geeky. I will, however, admit to a certain misfit quality, that I retain to this day.

But I digress.

I finally got to watch the silly movie when TCM showed it in, I believe, 2001. We videotaped it on our VCR, just to put it in historical context. We were charmed.

Is it cheesy, you ask. It’s like a Velveeta factory exploded onscreen! The martians’ make-up is in unevenly applied. Their killer robot looks like a homemade Halloween costume. The North Pole looks like a set from Lost In Space. When a polar bear chases the two earthling kids, you can see where the head piece is separate from the rest of the guy’s costume!

In short, this movie was begging for the robot head treatment.

It was actually just a few years ago that Steven discovered the MST3K version of the flick. We used to watch MST3K every Saturday on the SciFi Channel. However, these were in the later seasons, when Mike Nelson had replaced Joel on the space ship. They never showed the Santa Claus movie, and Steven always lamented that there was no Christmas episode of MST3K.

Imagine our delight to discover that there was so a Christmas episode and it featured a movie we already loved.

Well, now I’m getting all mushy and misty-eyed, thinking of my beloved MST3K, a truly delightful cheesy movie and, of course, Christmas. I warned you this might happen. Perhaps I should return to my DVR, where I have a fairly rancid movie involving Bela Lugosi and a baboon. I assure you, if I write about that one, no mush or mist will be involved. I hope you are all enjoying the latter part of your Christmas holidays.

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Don’t It Make My Chicken Bleu

Posted on December 31, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

I thought I’d change up Wrist to Forehead Sunday with a cooking post. Saturday I figured out how to make Chicken Cordon Bleu.

The only recipe I had was the memory of a co-worker telling me how she made it in the late ’80s. That is, she told me in the ’80s. When I reminisce about the ’80s with my friends, we don’t usually share chicken recipes. But I digress.

I started out by pouring myself a glass of wine, because I like to cook with wine (sometimes I put it in the food) (I read that on a refrigerator magnet or a t-shirt sometime). I set the oven on 350 degrees to preheat and grated some mozzarella cheese.

So right away I differed from my friend’s recipe. She used slices of cheese and ham which she cut into strips and rolled up together. I had nice chunks of leftover Christmas ham my sister had given me and a brick of mozzarella I had purchased that morning.

I differed from every Chicken Cordon Bleu recipe I’d ever heard of by using boneless skinless chicken thighs instead of breasts. I have better luck with thighs not drying out on me. Plus, I like dark meat. I think you’re supposed to pound the chicken with a hammer to flatten it out, but this is something else I’ve never had much luck with. I sliced it in half through the thickest part and spread it open.

I put the grated mozzarella on, then the ham, folded it back together and rolled it in Italian Style Breadcrumbs. My mother always uses Italian Style for all her breadcrumb needs.

I put the chickens in the pan (on which I had previously sprayed no-stick cooking spray) and stuck a couple of toothpicks in them to keep them from opening back up. I’m not sure if the toothpicks were really necessary. I ended up taking them out after 30 minutes anyways, when I flipped the chickens with the help of barbecue tongs.

The chickens ended up cooking about 50 minutes total. Thirty, then flip, then check after 10, then after 10 more. While they cooked I made a cheese sauce with the extra mozzarella I had grated (I never guess the right amount).

And here’s where all you cooking purists will shake an admonitory finger at me. Also nutrition purists. I used a can of cream of mushroom soup to which I added the cheese and some spices. Well, you purists can shake your fingers or your heads or your groove things for all I care. My mother had suggested the cream of mushroom soup when I told her my dinner plans earlier. Everybody agrees that my mother is a marvelous cook. So there.

The Chicken Cordon Bleu turned out very tasty, even, dare I say, yummy. We had it with a macaroni salad I made using some leftover ziti (waste not, want not). And I am especially pleased that it enabled me to keep my wrist from my forehead on a Sunday.

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A Walk in the Dark

Posted on December 29, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

My plan for today is to get my blog post out of the way early, then spend the rest of the day having Mohawk Valley adventures or watching cheesy horror movies so that I can write more scintillating blog posts (I like to pronounce it “skintillating’). To that end, I took my dog Tabby for a walk this morning.

I’m sure some long time readers (if any) miss my Saturday Running Commentary, and I mean to get back into running. Eventually. Today I enjoyed my walk.

We left shortly after Steven left for work, which was before 6:30. All I could think of was, “It was quarter past dawn, all the Whos still abed…” But I could not think of a good way to transplant that poem to Herkimer. I did write a take-off on The Grinch once, by the way. It was “How the Lynch Stole Christmas,” written for a Sergeant Lynch I used to work with (he’s a Sergeant First Class now, I think). But I digress (wait a minute: Stream of Consciousness Saturday? Something to think about).

It was still dark, but I think the sun was up somewhere, somewhat. Too cloudy to tell. Too bad; I had hoped to catch last night’s full moon. The sidewalks were semi plowed. That is, they had been plowed and were navigable, but still had stuff on them to contend with.

I love walking in the winter. Years ago, when I was young and carless (yes, carless not careless, although I was that, too), I used to hate walking in the winter. At that time I was walking to get somewhere and that slight delay when your foot slides back a little in the snow used to weigh on me disproportionately. Now I walk for health and entertainment, and the extra effort needed clearly burns more calories.

So on we walked, enjoying the cold, fresh air and the feeling of not being on any kind of a time schedule. Lots of houses had their Christmas lights on. I like to see that. I even saw a couple of blow up displays, although some were not at full inflation. Santa was leaning out of the outhouse as if he had been partying a little too heartily. Oh well, his job is over for the year. He’s allowed.

One house with lots of decorations was not lit. I admired the hard plastic Santa and snowman they had. They looked old. I purchased my plastic Santa because he looked old-fashioned, but you can somehow tell he was purchased in recent years. This one looked as if he had been in the family for a while.

Tabby wanted to stop and sniff even more often than usual. I suppose it must be more difficult to pick up an odor in the snow (I always scoop up a little snow when I pick up her poops, another reason to love walking in the winter). I tried to keep a look out for poops left behind by other dogs. I don’t need her sticking her nose into poo.

When walking in the dark, I like to see houses with lights on inside. In the morning I like to think of people having coffee and getting ready for the day, you know, in a contented sort of way, not in an “oh crap I have to go to work” sort of way. I was feeling pretty contented myself, and my legs felt as if they had done some work. We’ll see how they feel once I start running again. Stay tuned!

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I Plan to Be Spontaneous

Posted on December 29, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

After yesterday’s silly post, I feel a little sheepish having Lame Post Friday. However, since I got nuthin’ else, I’ll see what I can come up with.

I did have one thought about my Friday Lame Post. As I prepared to drive to work early this morning, I wondered what I might find to write about during the course of the day, since I arose this morning with nothing. Then I remembered a comment on another Friday Lame Post, advising me that one could not be random on a schedule. I had to acknowledge the truth of that statement, then the little devil on my shoulder said, “Today I planned to be spontaneous.”

Well, that is just the kind of oxymoron I enjoy (being all different kinds of moron myself). I’m only sorry I can’t come up with more of them for this post. However, let’s get on with my planned spontaneity at least.

Have you ever noticed, when somebody says, “I hate to rain on your parade,” it is almost always a lie. They LOVE to rain on your parade! They think it’s great that they know something that you don’t and it will ruin whatever you were planning/hoping/thinking. And, you know what, it’s usually not even a parade anyways. It is often something very mundane and by calling it your parade they have disparaged you twice. Or am I being too sensitive?

I just remembered that I had been going to philosophize half-bakedly on why I wanted to repeat myself in yesterday’s post. I sure do hate to rain on anybody’s parade who was waiting for that. Just kidding! I actually felt very mean for putting that, but I kind of also felt like I had to (come to think of it, that might be something else to philosophize about, half-bakedly, of course).

To set the record straight, I was going to repeat myself yesterday because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Hmmm… not very philosophical, was it? Perhaps Pouring My Art Out was right and one can’t philosophize on cue.

By the way, that was who commented, pouringmyartout.wordpress.com. I really don’t spend enough time reading other blogs, because, you know, some of them are really cool.

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This Post Does Not Bear Repeating

Posted on December 28, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”

It’s one of my favorite quotes. You say it in a real airhead voice, as if you think you’re saying something profound when really if you had a thought in your head it would not be crowded.

I’ve written about this before. I don’t want to repeat myself, BUT…

Oh, there’s a good topic for Non Sequitur Thursday. Most of us repeat ourselves. They say some things bear repeating (that’s not one of them), but mostly people repeat things because they felt clever for having said them in the first place, or whatever it is still bothers them, or they can’t think of anything else to say.

Wow, I guess there’s a lot of reasons to repeat oneself. Try this: the next time you want to repeat yourself, instead say WHY you were about to repeat yourself. Then see if you repeat that.

I was about to tell a story about a friend repeating herself and me repeating myself in reply to her, and her calling me on repeating myself but not noticing her repeating herself. I’ve told that story roughly 5,687,211 times (I was going to say a bazillion but thought I’d change things up with an actual number).

I guess this is more stream of consciousness than non sequitur (that remark may be a repeat from last Thursday). Let’s let this train of thought jump the tracks (which were crossing the stream; I’m not mixing metaphors) and give a shout out to Ilion Little Theatre’s December production.

Rented Christmas opened last weekend and continues this weekend. It is a family musical about a guy who, you know, rents a Christmas. If you like cute kids with nice voices singing Christmas carols, this is a good show for you. It plays Friday and Saturday, December 28 and 29 at 7:30 p.m., and Sunday December 30 at 2 p.m. For more information, visit their website, http://www.ilionlittletheatre.org/ or their Facebook page.

Final Note: On reading this over before publishing, I realize I did not follow my own instructions and say WHY I was going to repeat myself. I’ll save it for the half-baked philosophy component on Lame Post Friday.

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Have Yourself a Merry Post-Christmas Let Down

Posted on December 27, 2012 by mohawkvalleygirl

Look, bloggers get post-Christmas let downs, too. Today I can only offer a little more Christmas Carol commentary. I hope you find it amusing.

Regarding “Do You Hear What I Hear?”: If I would have been the little lamb, the second verse would have gone, “Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, ‘Hey, the wind is talking to me.'” Then the third verse could have gone, “Said the shepherd boy to the Hollywood agent, ‘I have a talking sheep.'”

I realize neither of those lines is in the rhythm of the original tune, but you know how singers interpret things (I actually hate it when they do that, but hell, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em).

One other thing: What if I don’t WANT to have myself a Merry Little Christmas? What if I want to have myself a Merry Big Fat Christmas? What are you going to sing to me then?

I have no other silly observations to make, so I will finish by sharing a Christmas Carol memory.

One Christmas many years ago, my husband Steve and I as well as my sister Diane and her husband, Chris, were staying at my parents’ house. To complete the picture, I’ll just mention that at this point my parents’ house only boasted one bathroom.

Christmas morning I was up before anybody else and got into the shower. I thought since everybody was still asleep, I could get away with taking a long shower. I sang Christmas carols in the shower. In retrospect, I don’t know how I thought anybody could sleep through that, but I do love to sing Christmas carols. Indeed, other people were up when I emerged from the shower squeaky clean.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “If I had known you were awake, I would have taken a shorter shower.”

My sister Diane retorted, “You would have taken a shorter shower if you didn’t have to sing every verse!”

It’s still five days away, but my New Year’s Resolution is to have more Mohawk Valley adventures, so I don’t have to make such silly blog posts all the time. Hope your own post-Christmas let down is mild.

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