Tag Archives: depression

I Stress, But I Post

The question is: do I have time for a Monstrous Monday post early this Tuesday morning (but not as early as I had hoped)?  Yes, yes, I have been promising and promising to make real blog posts.  You didn’t think I meant every day, did you? (Oh, don’t say YOU did; you knew I didn’t and you’re just happy to shame me now that I haven’t!) (Did that make sense?  I really have had coffee this morning.)

Yes, this was the mug I used. It IS Halloween-time, isn’t it?

I am feeling perhaps more stressed these days than my life events justify.  I can’t help how I feel, but I am trying to get my stuff done and not run around waving my arms and making b-b-b-b noises (I would scream, but my throat is so sore from my allergies, it hurts) as I feel inclined to do.

Most people would find this stressful.

A lot of people are quite creeped out by spiders.  I, on the other hand, am not.  It is interesting to me how I can be squeamish and/or screamy about some things and not at all about others.  I shan’t tell you my phobias, in case local readers see this and want to torment me.

You see how little I fear spiders.

Can you tell that’s a spider on my hat?  I wore it on Kentucky Derby Day one year, and to a tea party last year.  It is one of my favorite garage sale purchases.

And now I am over 200 words.  Score!  Still feeling stressed?  Yes!  But that’s not your problem.  Do you have any problems?  If so, I am here to listen.  It will take my mind off mine.

 

Newton Was Right

So there I was, two days without posting, reluctant to make another Post About Not Making a Post, and pondering what the hell was wrong with me.  I thought about how we don’t really know what is good for us.  I like to write, I enjoy writing, I often feel good after I have written.  But there was this voice in my head saying, I don’t want to, I don’t have to, I can’t!  It is the same voice and same words even the voice uses when I think I should clean my house, go running, or even eat that cucumber that has been in my refrigerator since I bought it on Sunday.  For heaven’s sake, why would I not be able to cut up a cucumber, voice?

Unfortunately, I do not always think to talk back to the voice.  On occasion I ignore the voice, with varying results (turns out running or house cleaning, while not impossible, can be damn difficult) (but let us strive to think positively at this moment).  Today I pondered where the voice was coming from and why it often sounded so loudly.

My first thought was that we often do not know what is good for us.  For example, we drink one alcoholic beverage and it makes us feel good, so we have another.  By the third, that voice in our head (I am assuming in this example that I am not the only one who has one) is convinced that if we do not continue drinking, we will cease to feel good, we must have another!  We all know where this thinking leads us (if you have not actually had the experience, surely you have heard) (and I will call you Shirley if I decide to).  Most of us learn to ignore the voice’s toro poopie in these situations.

My next thought regarded a rule I have often observed in this space: writing begets more writing.  I write a letter to a friend or make an extensive entry in the TV Journal, I can easily make that day’s blog post.  Once I make a couple blog posts, I continue posting daily.  Obviously the opposite is true:  Not Writing begets more Not Writing. I capitalize Not Writing, because it is such a heinous situation to those of us who aspire to be Writers.

Then it hit me:  inertia.  Sir Isaac Newton did not just talk about Gravity, he also articulated the Law of Inertia:  An object in motion tends to stay in motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest, unless worked on by outside forces.  I like the words “tends to,” because in fact, writing does not always beget more writing in my case.  My eighth grade science teacher  also pointed out that friction, gravity, etc, are included in “outside forces” that cause a moving object to stop seemingly of its own accord.  I add this for the yahoo (you know who you are) who just rolled a ball or a stone (not wanting to gather moss) and said, “There!  That object didn’t stay in motion!”

So you see, I do not only suffer from laziness, depression, and whatever else is wrong with me (probably a lot; I can just see some of you gearing up to give me a comprehensive list) (you know who you are):  I am a victim of inertia.  Today I fought the inertia enough to make a blog post of — goodness over 550 words!  Will this writer in motion tend to stay in motion?  I hope so.

 

An Apologetic Post

I guess I have some work to do to make it back to being a daily blogger.  Once again, as I have often done with my running, I begin again.  Perhaps that was a bad comparison, because I have not been running in, oh dear, I think it has been months.  Of course I am too lazy to pull up my Running Journal and look.  And by “pull up my Running Journal,” I mean lean off the couch, to the danger of the Chromebook balanced on my legs, and paw through the mess under my coffee table.  It is there somewhere. I need to update it on walks I have taken since (oh dear) June.

Me being lazy.

I threw in a picture to pep things up.  This is my legs’ approximate position, but I am wearing slippers with no socks.  It is early Friday morning, and I last posted Sunday evening.  For that I apologize.  As it happens, perhaps I should have swooned for real and not just metaphorically.  The week has not been terrible, but my state of  mind has been.  I quite frankly do not know what is wrong with me.  I suppose a number of others have wondered that for years (you know who you are).  However, I have made it to work every day and tried to keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Unfortunately, the song was usually The Volga Boatman.

 

Bloom where you are planted!

I add a cheerful picture to counteract the whining.  This is a photo from a previous year, but I believe my Rose of Sharon is currently blooming.  I spared it a glance while doing yard work yesterday (see, I have accomplished a few things), but I was too absorbed in gathering fallen branches and sticks to pay much attention.  We had a storm earlier this week.  Not a tornado, as Rome, NY had.  My parents live in Rome but, thankfully, suffered no damage, by the way.

I see I have babbled on for over 300 words. I hope to get back to posting on a daily basis, and of course I hope you will stay tuned.

 

Lame As I Ever Was

Hello, blogosphere, I am back!  What, blogosphere isn’t a word yet? I hear it all the time.  Perhaps I have it misspelled.  In any case, I am back on the blog after losing a few days to technical difficulties and my usual malaise which makes it a major effort for me to do anything.  I finally got back on my Chromebook. Phew!  I know, I could have posted from my Tablet, as I used to do all the time, but that, too has become problematic.  When I finish the post, I can’t type in a headline at all, and when I try to add categories and tags, the screen jumps every time I hit a key.  For the last post, I got on my phone to add headline and tags.

Now I feel a little ashamed for not going through such a rigamarole again (but I KNOW rigamarole is a word!  It has been a word for years!).

Random picture to denote passage of time.

I found it in my Webster’s dictionary.  “Rigamarole” is another spelling of “rigmarole.”  I think the extra syllable adds to the expressiveness of the term.  I recently read in an English history book about the origin of the word.  Of course I cannot remember it now, but I know which book it was in, and I will look it up for use on a future blog post.

My bestie, Kim, is coming to visit today.  Regular readers know she moved away early this year, to the detriment of my Saturday adventuring.  I’m sure we will have a lot of fun today, although I am a little concerned at the forecast of high 80’s.

This has been me and many of my co-workers all week.

I had actually been looking for a Mohawk Valley adventure picture to share, but I found this one and couldn’t resist.

 

In the Mood for Monsters?

In the Mood for Monsters?

Hello and welcome to another Monstrous Monday post.  I can’t say my Monday has been thoroughly monstrous, but I am feeling… well, never mind how I am feeling.  It is tiresome to always listen to someone whine about their feelings.  Anyways, I may very well feel differently after I encounter a few of my favorite monsters.

An evocative shot, yes?

Here is one from my favorite Nosferatu, the 1922 silent film.  They made more use of shadows in the older movies.  I think it is scary.  I like it.

Which is the bad guy?

In the interests of using a picture I haven’t used many times already (yes, I am still going to my Media Library for Monstrous Monday; haven’t learned how to get new pictures on the Chromebook yet), I show this one, which I do not remember using before and have no idea what movie it is from.  It looks like an alien and a fish monster.  Do any of you recognize it? If so, please comment and tell me.

A more homegrown monster.

Tired of looking for more movie monsters, I offer this show of my own Bonita, wearing a doggy devil mask I picked up at a rummage sale.  It is hard to see, but she is holding the bouquet of black tulips my friend Jerry made for a murder mystery.  He presented them to me after the performance, and they have been part of my Halloween decor ever since.

And that brings me over 200 words.  Score!  I thank my monsters, and I thank my readers for tuning in once again.

 

I Can Only Do So Much on Tired Tuesday

Did I mention this would probably be a Tired Tuesday Post? I think I did.

Always a favorite meme.

I drove to work thinking that Tuesdays, like Mondays, must be endured.  I remembered a saying I had back in the ’80’s:  “Today is a bad day.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Tomorrow will be a bad day.”  It was my angst-ridden pose, I suppose.  I told my work friend Zach about my saying, and he said, “Now you sound like Eeyore.”  I replied that I have always identified with Eeyore.  Oh, quit playing those miniature violins.  I’m not in a gloomy, angst-ridden mood now, and I am certainly not feeling sorry for myself.  I am merely tired.  Hence, the Tired Tuesday Post.

Earlier this evening, I finished and emailed my submission to Mohawk Valley Living magazine for May.  I hope they like it.  I always say writing begets more writing, but sometimes I am only good for so much per day.  Perhaps if I began to lead a healthier lifestyle, I would not feel so tired in the evenings and I could write more. I must research healthy lifestyles. I am afraid vegetables will be involved.  Cue jokes about how I am already a vegetable.

There’s something healthy

I thought I would throw in a cheerier picture to end with.  I see I am over 200 words, which regular readers know I consider respectable, especially for these nothing posts.  As usual, I will try for something better tomorrow, and hope you will all stay tuned.

 

In Your Easter Bonnet, With All The Frills Upon It…

I am a well-known slob.  Since Steven’s death (and even before) it has taken on ungodly proportions.  I share this as an explanation or maybe just an introduction to the picture I took this morning to share in a blog post.

This is the sort of thing I often see in my house.

When I try to get one coffee filter out of the package, two or three often stick together.  I just leave them all outside of the package, knowing I will use them and feeling that it is too much trouble to do otherwise (many things in my life these days feel like too much trouble; that is because of my depression, and I generally strive to do them anyways).  Last night I noticed that the extra filters had landed on this goblet  It is a plastic goblet, suitable for use on the porch or deck.  The flute next to it is plastic as well.  We have had one or two porch-sitting days this spring.

I thought it looked cute, like a bride or a lady wearing an Easter bonnet (seasonal!).  I thought the champagne flute gave the tableau a festive air.  The surrounding spices, coffee tin and what-not, I suppose only clutter up the image, but I must be honest in what I depict.  One could argue that I was too lazy to clean things up.  However, I go with my former reasoning.  I figure, I liked the image because the filter accidentally fell as if the goblet was wearing it.  It would add a layer of artificiality if I were to purposely clean up the surrounding area.  It may be a rationalization, but I like it (thus rationalizing my rationalization).

I see I am approaching 300 words.  Score!  When I first noticed the goblet and filter, I did not take a picture but merely enjoyed it.  It was not till I awoke this morning that I realized it would be an excellent illustration for a Non-Sequitur Thursday Post.

 

Some Blog Post, Any Blog Post?

I have been writing the following in my head for a number of days now:

I look at my pile of dirty dishes and think, “This is what depression looks like.”  I look at the unwashed laundry and think, “This is what depression looks like.”  I lie down, unable to sleep yet do not get back up and do something and think, “This is what depression looks like.”

And when I think about typing that into a blog post, I think of readers who will say, “Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself!”  Sometimes I say it to myself.  More often I just force myself to do something, anything.  Wash a few dishes.  Do one load of laundry.  At least move some dirty clothes from the floor into a laundry basket.

Make a blog post.

That last is what I have emphatically NOT been able to do lately.  What the hell, me?

Sign of spring, sight of hope?

I thought I should throw in a picture before I got too bogged down in discouragement.  I found these crocuses in my back yard the other day and took a picture with my phone.  I was happy to see them.  Since I never raked up any leaves last fall, I wondered if any crocuses would be able to bloom.

Ooh, a deep metaphor just occurred to me:  The un-raked leaves are my depression, and the crocuses are the little baby steps I take to try to help myself.  Oh well, maybe it is not a deep metaphor, or even a particularly accurate one.  My excuse for not raking the leaves is that I read somewhere that it is environmentally better:  bugs, birds, etc. use leaves for shelter or something like that.  I read it in a Facebook meme.  No, I do not believe everything I read on the internet.  Only when it provides a handy excuse for my own laziness, I suppose.

Funny thing: I am feeling a little more cheery now.  The magic of writing something, anything?  The act of using my brain to delineate a metaphor?  Or just laughing at myself for getting so profound over my failure to rake a few leaves?  As I have observed many times:  It is not easy being me, but it is at least mildly entertaining.  But once again, I thank you for tuning in to my little blog, and I will try for more regular and entertaining posts in the future.

 

Monsters (and Bloggers) Need Love

One might just as well admit that it is easier not to make a blog post than to make one (one being me).  I could go on at length about how my depression makes it difficult to do
ANYTHING, beginning with getting out of bed in the morning, and how blogging is a form of communicating and I am in a decidedly non-communicative state, but these are half-baked philosophies (I deal in no other kind) better suited for Lame Post Friday.  How about some Mid-Week Monsters instead, and apologies for not posting on Tired Tuesday (I was in fact very tired, but explanations are even more tiresome; let us get on with the blog).

I surely would have used this had I posted yesterday, and I might call you Shirley.

I had the delightful experience this morning of thinking it was Tuesday but realizing it was Wednesday, so I feel free to use this picture.  I could feel a little sad it is not Friday, but what is wrong with Wednesday? All days need a little love.

“You need room-darkening shades, by the way.”

Monsters need a little love, too.  That is all Nosferatu is looking for here.  Love, and a little nutrition.  Even vampires need to eat!

Only my hairdo is not as good.

This is my current profile picture on Facebook.  It is a pretty good description of me, by the way.

I’m sure he meant it as a compliment.

Speaking of looking for love in all the wrong places…  I’m sure Drs. Frankenstein and Praetorious (don’t know if that’s spelled right; too lazy to look it up) thought these two were ideally suited.  That is what makes me suspicious of dating services.  How do they know who is and is not compatible?

I see I am approaching 300 words.  I call that respectable, as regular readers (if I still have any) know.  Yes, my little blog is looking for love, just like these monsters.  They say you have to give it to get it, and I do love my readers.  Happy Wednesday, everybody.

 

Pre-Play Post

The question is do I have enough time to make a Scattered Saturday Post before I have to go to the theatre for the next performance of The Man in the Bowler Hat  (at Ilion Little Theatre; perhaps you read some of my blog posts about it) and I believe the answer is no.  Anyways, it has been more of a Slacker Saturday for me.  Judge me if you are so inclined.

I cannot tell if I am coming down with something or if it is my allergies making me feel miserable.   I suspect and hope the latter, because I would hate to be contagious.  In any case, I just thought I would whine about it.  Also, if I do come down with something and pass it on to you, don’t say I never gave you anything!

Where was I?  Ah yes, attempting some semblance of a blog post with one eye on the time.  That is, of course, just an expression.  My eyes do not act independently from one another, as I have heard some eyes in the animal kingdom do.

I finally got back to walking today, after taking too many days off.  I fear my lack of exercise has had a hand in my sad mood lately.  Of course I get some physical activity at work, but it is not the same thing (oh yeah, once again I neglected to ice my tennis elbow) (note to self: look up real term for “tennis elbow,” in order to avoid those yahoos who ask when you find time to play tennis).

Oh I’ll be damned! This nonsense has gotten me over 250 words!  I’ll throw 8n a picture for entertainment value, hit Publish, and call it a day.

I walked by the spring today.