Category Archives: personal

Running through the Window

Posted on October 5, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Does that give you a dramatic image of a triumphant crashing through glass?  I’m afraid it isn’t quite like that.  However, I ran today and thought a Sunday Running Commentary might make a nice post.

Regular readers know I have been having the damnedest time getting back into running, which is a little ridiculous considering how much I love to run.  Well, I’ve been busy with community theatre commitments (as you may have read my blog posts about), dealing with physical problems (long story, not very interesting), and my ever-present depression.

Lately I have been more comfortable talking about my depression.  Part of me cringes when I bring it up, though, because, I think about those nay-sayers (some of whom, I admit, live in my own head) who think it’s not a real thing.

“Put on your big girl panties!” they say (I talked about that heinous expression in yesterday’s post). Also,  “Snap out of it!”  “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”  “Get over it!”  “Just do something.”

That last bit of advice is actually a good one.  It has been widely observed that doing something, almost anything, will often alleviate depression.  It is also a widely observed fact that those of us suffering from depression often feel we cannot manage anything further than staying in bed and pulling the covers further up over our heads (that is, our respective heads in our respective beds; if we were all in bed together, well, I leave that up to your imagination).

What I have found for myself is that it does NOT work to just force myself to do something.  Grit-teeth determination only gives me a sore jaw.  Beating myself up only makes me feel worse (although I am really good at it, so that ought to give a boost to my self-esteem).  I have to sort of back into these things.  For example, I can’t say to myself, “I HAVE to run.  I MUST run. I OUGHT TO run.  I SHOULD run.”  I sit home and stew over these exhortations.  However, if  I say, “It would be a good idea if I ran,”  I often find myself in my running gear and going.

I ran on Wednesday using these tactics.  I felt so good about myself.  I wrote a blog post about it on Thursday, which never got typed in and published due to computer glitches (perhaps you read my Non-Sequitur Thursday post about that) (I suppose I could publish it next week, suitably introduced).  Then I did not run Thursday, Friday or Saturday, and felt predictably disgusted with myself over it.

Oh the vicious cycle:  too depressed to run, not running making me even more depressed.  Then I logged onto WordPress to see a picture of muscular running legs on Return of the Modern Philosopher, a blogger I often read.  I scrolled down and read some other blogs.  I could not bear to read about someone else’s running triumphs.  I read some earlier posts instead, making comments as I like to do.

Of course in one of his posts, the Philosopher talked about running.  I made some silly comment, he replied. I logged on and off WordPress as the day wore on, to be confronted by those legs again and again.  Hmmm…

This morning I slept in, decided that I would walk today and ease back into running.  I got up, made coffee, got on the computer.  Now, I did not make coffee yesterday.  I am on my own for the weekend, because my nice husband, who makes the coffee I like best, is visiting his family.  I had tea.  Later in the day I heated up some day-old coffee that was still in the pot (I know, some of you are saying, “EW!” while others are nodding, “Yeah, I’ve done that.”).  This morning I wanted some fresh-brewed goodness.

Logging back into WordPress, I made a few more comments and replies, saw those legs again, drank my coffee and pondered my fate.  Finally I looked up and said, “Oh, I’m going to go running now.”

This is unusual for me.  Normally I run as soon as I get out of bed or home from work or not at all.  Those are my three choices.  I guess sometimes I go at other times, though, and today was one of them.

I did not get any of them there endorphins I hear so much about, BUT I felt terrific from the moment I started till the moment I finished.  I was just so proud of myself that I got out there and did it.  Why in the world did I wait so long?  Perhaps the euphoria was the result of my first real cup of coffee in two days.  I don’t care.  I’ll take my good moods however I can get them.

I pondered the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier, and I realized something.  In the prison of depression (just to choose a really dramatic metaphor), I can’t break through the ever-thickening walls.  I can’t beat up the guards to break free (the guards being those nay-sayers that live in my head, I guess).  But every so often, a small window opens, and I can sneak through that window.

So remember that, any of you who suffer from depression or just a little blue mood, and I shall try to remember it myself:  watch for the window.  When one opens, sneak through it out into the sunshine and fresh air.  I hope to see you there.

 

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Mature Woman Undergarments?

Posted on October 4, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

It is a well-known fact that if you spend too much time talking about your troubles they only get worse.  For one reason, people get tired of listening to you.  Then instead of sympathy you get eye rolls and, worse yet, advice.  And the longer you have been complaining, the less sympathetic the advice becomes, especially from the people that were not all that sympathetic to begin with.

The preceding paragraph was me trying to talk myself out of having Wrist to Forehead Saturday.  It is just about reaching the point (if it hasn’t already) when somebody tells me to put on my big girl panties, which is quite the confusing mental image, if you ask me.

In the first place, my panties as well as most of my clothes, have gotten smaller ever since I went on the South Beach Diet (not as small as I would like them to be, but let’s not open that can of worms). Oh, I know, by “big girl” they mean “grown woman,” and they don’t mean a growing waistline.  I wish they would say what they mean.

Additionally, at whatever size, “panties” does not conjure up images of toughness and the ability to handle things. I almost never call them “panties” anyways; I call them underwear.  In fact, they come in all shapes and sizes.  You’ve got your briefs, your hip-huggers, your bikinis and your thongs.  I suppose any of them could be “panties,” although the word brings to my mind the cute, lacy ones.  You try leaving the house wearing nothing but lacy underwear and see how far it gets you!

And another thing, what is with “girl”?  Shouldn’t that be “woman”?  It has been a sore point with feminists everywhere that in our language at least,  females remain “girls” throughout adulthood while males cease being “boys” and become “men” at least at some point.  At least when you’re talking about them; how some of them act is another can of worms we will leave for another day.

So, did we all enjoy that?  I started out to whine and instead dissected a commonly (over)used phrase.  I can’t help feeling I could make this a better post with a little more time, thought and effort, but, well, we’ve talked about the daily posting thing before.  We’ll just have to live with this one as is.

As a final note, and because I often over-share:  I’m trying to put off doing laundry for a little longer, so today I’m going commando.

 

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Me and Balzac

Posted on October 3, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Lame Post Friday.  I am your host, Mohawk Valley Girl.  To be perfectly honest, I would be taking another Blogger’s Sick Day, but it would be so tiresome in me to complain about my aches and pains.  Uh, I mean I don’t have any aches and pains.  I’m great!  I’m fine!  Everything will be delightful!

I got to work today and immediately sought out my friend, Dale, to say to him, “Balzac.”  I did not see him at first but paused to say hello to my friend Karen.  I told her, “If you see Dale, tell him Balzac.”  I thought she might not remember that, even after I explained why, but it did not matter, because I soon saw Dale and told him myself.

The explanation, which is not nearly as captivating as the word “Balzac,” is that Dale and I often work on crossword puzzles together.  Balzac was an answer we could not figure out.  While I was reading something completely unrelated the previous evening (while I waited for my desktop to boot up), I found out that Balzac was the writer referenced in the mysterious clue.  I spent the rest of the evening repeating, “Balzac” to myself so I would remember to tell Dale.

Full disclosure:  I have never read anything by Balzac.  I don’t know that I have even ever mentioned him in a sentence before this.  However, if this has been remiss of me, I believe I have made amends in the previous 24 hours.

If the ghost of Balzac is listening (and I’m sure I don’t know why he should be), I hope he is having a pleasant Friday, as indeed I hope you are yourself.

This was perhaps a silly post, but at least I didn’t whine too much.

 

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Damned at the Desktop

Posted on October 2, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

This is much better.

Just a little computer problem over here.  It is frustrating, because I wrote a blog post earlier today.  I think I even ended it with a little self-congratulation on not indulging in Non-Sequitur Thursday.  It was when I began to type it into WordPress that the trouble started.

I was, as usual these days, on our little Acer Netbook, a handy device given to us by my dear sister, Victoria.  It is a well-known fact that I am not technologically inclined and any device invented in this century mystifies me.  In other words, I don’t know what I did, but I messed it up.  The Acer is still working fine, but my WordPress account is suddenly in teeny-weeny, itty-bitty, minute, miniscule (I’m doing this without a thesaurus by the way) printing.  I can’t even read it properly with my glasses off (I am extremely near-sighted: me with my glasses off is the same as a normal person with a magnifying glass, as long as I hold whatever I’m looking at close enough) (that may be the only time ever that you see the phrase “the same as a normal person” referring to me).

Where was I?

Well, where I AM is upstairs on my desktop, which is for a change and perhaps only for the moment, behaving itself.  Why am I not finishing typing in what I started downstairs?  You know, that is a very good question.

The fact is, I am having a bit of a mental/emotional/physical problem lately.  I don’t mean to complain about my ills (I know, I know, for not meaning to I do an awful lot of it), but I am having the damnedest time DOING anything.  Even taking a shower required great effort and self-motivation.  Laugh, point and judge all you want.  The fact is, as soon as I said to myself, “Oh just have a Non-Sequitur Thursday and be done with it,” I felt a great lightening of spirit.

I’ll use that other post tomorrow, when I bet Steven will have figured out how to fix my WordPress.  Or perhaps this desktop will continue to behave.  I do love a full-size keyboard.  If only I could think of a snappy headline for today’s post, my life would be perfect.

 

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But Was I Aged in Oak?

Posted on October 1, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

When Steven and I are in Rome, NY, we generally eat at Chez Mom and Dad.  the food is excellent and the company unparalleled.  the last time we were in town, however, Mom and Dad were not,  so we decided to check out Teddy’s on Black River Boulevard (“The Boulevard” to Romans).

When we lived in Rome for a brief period in the ’90s, I liked to go to Teddy’s for lunch.  As we walked in, the whole place looked different.

“You remodeled,” I said, admiring the improvements.  Imagine my embarrassment when the hostess told us they had remodeled at least five years ago.  You see what I miss by not living in Rome any more.

We were soon sitting in a booth and perusing menus.  Our waitress asked could she start us off with a glass of wine or a cold beer.  Pointing at the wine list, I asked in my most superior fake English accent if the Chardonnay was aged in stainless or in oak.  Regular readers may remember that is my one bit of wine-tasting knowledge.

“Or don’t you know?” I added, in my regular, not superior voice.  She thought it was oak aged, so I ordered Pinot Gris.  Steven asked for the Chardonnay.  I tasted it when it arrived and found it did have that buttery taste I don’t care for.  My Pinot Gris was quite tasty.

For dinner I ordered a Garden Burger, a veggie burger topped with roasted red peppers, cucumbers, spinach and tomato with pesto mayo.  Steven got Teddy’s Turkey Club.  Steven just loves a good turkey club.  We had a choice of cole slaw or french fries.  I got the slaw, Steve got the fries.

The food was yummy.  I haven’t had a veggie burger in a long time. I’ll have to look for them at the super market.  While we ate we enjoyed listening to some ’80s music over the loudspeaker.  I suppose I should be upset that this music is considered “oldies” now, but so am I an oldie.  Time passes, after all.

We were very happy with our meal.  I grabbed a take-out menu as we left.  Maybe some time when we’re headed to Mom and Dad’s, we’ll pick up dinner on the way.  In any case,  I don’t intend to wait as long before I got to Teddy’s again.

Teddy’s is located at852 Black River Blvd., Rome NY, phone number 315-336-7839.  Their website is http://www.teddysrestaurantny.com/ordereze/default.aspx.  You can also Like them on Facebook.

 

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Me and the Police

Posted on September 30, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

I saw on Facebook (an unending source of information) that Thank the Police Blue Ribbon Day happens from 9:01 p.m. Sept. 29 to 8:59 p.m. Sept. 30.  What better time, I thought, to make my post about Coffee and Conversation with a Cop (also known as Cup with a Cop).  I attended the latest session of the program last Saturday, Sept. 26, and enjoyed it very much.

The program runs the last Saturday of the month from 9 to 10:30 a.m. at First Baptist Church in Herkimer.  One or two police officers attend (as allowed by their duties).  Anybody in the community is welcome to come and chat.  I’ve asked questions about police procedure for that novel I keep trying to write.  We talk about the state of crime in the area, local police work, and many other related topics.

I confess that when I attend these sessions I am torn between an uplifting feeling of civic virtue and a sheepish acknowledgement that I am also looking forward to the refreshments.  Then again, as a community theatre colleague once observed as we contemplated with satisfaction a large crowd for dessert theatre, “If you feed them, they will come.”

While I enjoyed several cookies, I also contributed to a lively and wide-ranging discussion.  What I really liked about it was that people’s attitudes were geared to, “What can we do to make things better?”  The underlying thought seemed to be that we actually can make it better.  I found that refreshing and encouraging.

Sometimes at these sessions, when we get to talking about the state of the world, we fall into a bit of,  “Look at THOSE people!  They don’t show any respect!”  From there, it is a short step to, “It wasn’t like that when WE were young!”  Yes, I have done it myself, but I question the validity of the assertion.  One time an older guy (older than me at any rate) was bemoaning the younger generation, and I said to him, “You realize your grandfather said the same thing about you.”  Of course I was just guessing, but I bet I guessed right.

Officer Crippen, our cop for the day, did talk about respect, but he talked a lot about how much better things go when he shows respect to others.  Obviously, sometimes you have to tackle the bad guy, but often when you come into a situation, what first meets the eye does not tell the whole story.  He finds if he can ask, “What’s going on here?” and get an answer, he often gets a better result.  He said when possible, he prefers verbal de-escalation.

Another topic that came up was the ever-increasing problem of heroin addiction.  We talked about societal and economic factors in the situation, as well as the more sophisticated techniques of the drug dealers and the police department’s troubles in combating them.  Long-range solutions, of course, are not easy to come by, but we discussed those, too.

As usual, the idea of all citizens being the eyes and ears of the police came up.  “If you see something, say something” is the rule the police would like us to follow.  This is not said with a “Squeal on your neighbor” kind of vibe but rather with the intent to help your neighborhood and make our community better.  An example of this was a question I brought up.  It seems a number of people in my neighborhood enjoy the night life, sometimes returning loudly at a late hour.  If I think I hear a fight, the police would rather I call them and be wrong than not call them and be right.  After all, the cops may be able to stop a fight before somebody gets hurt.

I felt it was a really good session and was glad I was able to attend.  Cup with a Cop has been going on for a year now.  One of the last things we talked about was how to expand the program, bring more people into the discussion, and let it spread to other communities.  One possibility is to ask other churches to host sessions. Another suggestion was to hold a Conversation at the library.

“Yes, the library,” I said.  “Then afterwards, people can stay and listen to Guitar Group!  I love that Guitar Group.”  It would make a wonderful blog post.

 

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Monday Malaise

Posted on September 29, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

I’m pretty sure I’ve used this title before.  I’m going to call today a Blogger’s Sick Day.  I actually wrote parts of a blog post while at work today, but I was not having a good day.  I don’t feel like talking about why.

OK, that’s not true.  I would LOVE to talk about ALL the things that are bothering me, but there are reasons why I shall not. One reason is that it is not all my stuff.  I don’t want to look as if I’m saying, “Oh, look at me, I’m so compassionate, worried about other people’s troubles!”  Anyways, it isn’t true.  Oh, I have a normal amount of compassion, I do worry about other people’s problems. But, how do I put this?  Sometimes other people’s troubles bother me because they bother ME.

This would be a ripe topic for a Monday Middle-aged Musings, but I’m just not up to having any profound thoughts today.  Did I mention Blogger’s Sick Day?  Well, it is not merely a mental malaise.  I also feel like crap physically.

I was afraid this would happen.  I was afraid I would feel too crappy to write a post. That is why I tried so hard to write something while at work. Oh well, sometimes these things work out, sometimes they do not.  All I can do is try again tomorrow. Happy Monday ,everyone.

 

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Miracle Puppies in Meyers Park

Posted on September 28, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

How about if Sunday Stroll replaces Wrist to Forehead Sunday?  For one reason, exercise is a proven anti-depressant, as is spending time with loved ones.  After returning from a nice walk with my nice husband, I feel decidedly less down.

We had planned to go for a walk anyways, since it is a lovely day and Steven has the day off (yay!).  I decided to write a Pedestrian Post.  After all, waste not, want not.

It was cold in our house this morning, so we had on long pants and long sleeves.  However, with the bright sun we wondered if we even needed jackets.  We did not.  I protected myself with my crazy old lady hat and prescription sunglasses.  I soon found that it was more comfortable in the shade.  Shorts and short sleeves would have been all right, too.  No matter.  We were out moving our legs and we intended to enjoy it.

We headed toward Meyers Park, where we saw three very cute little dogs enjoying a walk with their person.  I asked if we could pet them.

“Sure,” the guy said.  “They won’t harm you, they might jump up on you.”  That was OK with me.  As regular readers know, I no longer have a nice dog to jump up on me every day. I miss it.  The man told us they were all Jack Russells and two of the dogs were the offspring of the third.  One could not walk when he was born.  You wouldn’t know it now!  The other had been born dead but came back to life.

“So they’re miracle puppies,” I said, delighted to make their acquaintance.  He said he also had a German shepherd that had been abused.  I’m always glad to hear about a happily rescued dog.

We walked on to Main Street and down past a few businesses.  I saw new two second-hand shops I mean to check out when they are open.  Pete’s Tavern was open.  I said we could go in and get a beer, but we continued our walk instead.

The walk was less than a half hour, and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  Now I shall get back to enjoying my Sunday.  I hope you are doing the same.

 

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Scattered but Sick Saturday

Posted on September 27, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

Sorry, kids, but I feel like crap.  I’m going to give you a brief overview of my day, whine about my ills, and hit Publish.  That was your warning.  If you don’t want to listen to me whine, STOP READING NOW!!  SAVE YOURSELF!   (That last said in a sweeping dramatic tone with gesture, like the character in the disaster movie who sacrifices herself for others.) (I’m either taking myself pretty seriously here or else I’m being silly. You decide.)

I started this morning with Coffee and Conversation with a Cop at the First Baptist Church in Herkimer, NY.  This worthwhile community endeavor has been going on for a whole year now, and I support it wholeheartedly.  I intend to write a longer blog post about it. I had intended to do so today, but, well, shit happens.

Having eaten sweet yummy stuff at the church but not had breakfast, I was feeling a little upset of stomach.  I went home and had eggs,  thinking protein would counteract the sugar.  I guess it helped marginally.

I left the house shortly before noon, headed for Ilion Little Theatre (ILT).  I understood  that people would be working on the set for Lunch Hour starting at noon.  Lunch Hour, I believe I mentioned, is the first official offering of the ILT 2015-16 season.  I am stage manager.  Rehearsals have started and are going very well.  I chatted with the director about how well things are going, gave my opinion about a couple of set pieces under consideration, and other than that was not a whole lot of help.

That was when I started to feel like crap.  The lightheadedness that has plagued me lately came back.  I couldn’t handle it.  I went home.  After visiting with Steven when he came home for lunch (poor soul has to work most Saturdays), I took a nap.

And some more stupid stuff happened after I awoke, but never mind that now.  I am slowly becoming more open about admitting that I suffer from depression.  On the one hand, I think it is a good idea to become more open about these things, take away the stigma of mental illness, and encourage each other to seek help.  On the other hand, sometimes it feels like I am whining, asking for sympathy that I don’t necessarily deserve (although who can say what one truly deserves?  I’m asking seriously: who makes these rules? I’d like a word with them), or possibly seeking excuses to get less done than I might otherwise.

All that said, my depression has been making itself felt in full force for some time now.  Before I began this post, all I wanted to write was, “I am too depressed to write a post today.”  And look, I’m over 400 words.  I think I shall feel happy about that.  I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday.

 

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And Then Another Lame

Posted on September 26, 2015 by mohawkvalleygirl

OK, so it really is a Friday for me when I did not completely expect one.  I thought I was working Saturday until about 2:47 this afternoon.  OK,  I don’t know exactly what time it was; I just thought it would be funny to say it was a specific time that did not involve fives or zeros.

So I got home all happy and had a glass of wine.  My nice husband and I had amorphous plans.  We thought to go to K Mart and look at a ghost we might like to purchase.  I thought I would cook quesadillas.  We were not clear on order of events or times.  Then Steven (really, the perfect husband) said, “Or we could go out to eat.”

Obviously that is what we did.  At my suggestion we went to the Copper Moose Alehouse in Little Falls.  We sat at the bar and had some more Pinot Grigio (not enough that Steven could not drive home) and ordered food.  I had shrimp tacos.  Steven had a hamburger involving a fried egg and other toppings.  We chatted up the bartender and others.

In all, it was a delightful evening and one well worth a blog post. Can I always write a blog post at the end of a delightful evening? Regular readers know, the answer to that question is NO!!!

On the other hand, it is Lame Post Friday.  This is me, being lame for the day. I shall now go back to enjoying my Friday, as indeed, I hope the rest of you are doing.

But until I get to writing a real post about Copper Moose Alehouse, you can check them out yourself.  They are located at 518 E. Main St., Little Falls, NY , open Tuesday through Thursday 4 to 10 p.m., Friday and Saturday 4 to 11 p.m.  You can Like them on Facebook.  Let me know what you think.

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